I pick up Ryan about an hour later and then we set off. Yeah, we have no idea where we’re going but that kind of adds to the uh… adventure? To go with my original plan, though, I get on the interstate and head towards California. And in like, two hours, we’re already lost. I get off the interstate and drive to a gas station because Ryan insists that we stop for directions. Even though /I/ insist that we’re having an amazing adventure. But, I comply to Ryan’s wishes and we find out where we are and how to get exactly to California. By the time the sun goes down, we’ve hardly gotten anywhere at all. Ryan is slumped down into his car seat, his feet against the dashboard and his knees against his chest as I pull into the parking lot of a kind of cheap-looking hotel. We get out, grabbing our bags as we do, and then go into the lobby area of the hotel. We get a room and go into it, dropping our bags to the floor. Since I’m trying to conserve money during our trip, our room only has one bed. Not that either of us mind, of course. The second we get into the room, Ryan immediately falls onto the bed, sprawling out onto it, I climb into the bed next to him.
“Scoot over!” I say, playfully. “You’re taking up all the room!” Ryan laughs but doesn’t move. So I wrap my arms around his waist and I roll myself on top of him, then over to the other side of him. And then we start making out and we do that for a while. But we didn’t turn the air in the room on when we got in here, so it gets really hot really fast and then we’re both really sweaty.
“Ew, I feel all… gross. Sitting in a car all day and now all sweaty and nasty” Ryan says, wiping his hair out of his face, lying next to me on the bed. Then he sits up. “I really need to take a shower,” he says and I laugh.
“You go ahead and do that, Ryan,” I say with a smile. He gets off of the bed and goes into the bathroom, turning on the light.
“The stupid fuckers don’t have shampoo in here!” Ryan yells. I laugh at him.
“I have some in my bag if you need it,” I say with a smile.
“Thank you. You’re amazing. I love you and you’re amazing packing skills,” Ryan says, going over to my bag on the floor and unzipping it. I watch him as he rummages through my bag before pulling out a bottle of shampoo then zipping it again.
“Um… I’ll uh… I’ll be out in a few minutes,” Ryan says before rushing into the bathroom and closing he door.

Ryan takes a lot longer than a few minutes in the shower. In fact, it’s more like close to an hour. I begin to get suspicious and wonder if he’s doing /more/ than just showering, but I try not to think about that. Instead, I turn on the television and end up watching part of Dawson’s Creek, When Ryan comes out of the bathroom he has a towel wrapped tightly around his waist and his hair is wet and hanging in his face. And, oh god, he’s really hot when he just comes out of the shower. I try no to stare at him too much, but my attempts are useless because I can’t bring myself to tear my eyes away from him. Ryan notices and smiles at me. I just smile back. Then he turns away from me rather quickly and grabs his bag and goes to the bathroom to put his clothes on. Leaving me thinking about him without a towel wrapped around him. And then I remember the box of condoms that my dad had given me that were stowed away in my bag. My bad which also held the bottle of shampoo that Ryan got out of it meaning that he mostly likely saw the condoms. Which is really, really weird and awkward considering that we haven’t even really /talked/ about having sex yet. But, I mean, like I said before, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared. And since we /are/ on a week long, parent-less trip together, it would be best to be prepared. But maybe /he’s/ not prepared. Mentally, anyways. And maybe I just totally freaked him out. I mean, I have the easy part when it comes to the whole… sex thing. Ryan, not so much. And now he knows that I’m thinking about having sex with him and that I /want/ to have sex with him and that I want to have sex with him in the near future. My thoughts are soon interrupted by Ryan coming out of the bathroom again, this time dressed, wearing boxers and a t-shirt. His hair is still very clamp and he is still very hot. He sits down next to where I’m laying and I look up at him.
“You smell good,” I say to him. He smiles.
“Well that’s good,” He says with a laugh. I smile up at him and he leans down to me to kiss me. I place my hand on the back of his head so that he doesn’t pull away and soon, my fingers become tangled in his wet hair, and he climbs on top of me, both of us gasping out ‘I love you’s every few seconds. But Ryan ends our intense make out session abruptly, saying that we had a lot of driving to do tomorrow and that we should probably get to sleep. When he turns the lights out, it’s barely ten… I feel like an asshole.
The next morning we check out of our hotel and get ask on the road by noon. During our drive, the interstate leads us through a lot of empty desert space and none of the radio stations work other than like, a country station. Ryan flips through all of the stations one more time, but gets nothing but static, so he finally just turns the radio off. Which then makes the car feel extremely, awkwardly silent. I look over at Ryan he’s staring out the window at the vast desert region of Nevada- yeah, we’re still in Nevada, we haven’t even gotten out of our own state yet. Any ways, we go on for about five minutes with silence until Ryan starts switching through the radio stations again. Now, not even the country station from before comes in. So, he turns the radio off again.
“Well, it looks like we’ll be driving in silence for a while,” He says.
“Well then, we can talk,” I say.
“Okay,” Ryan says. But then there’s a silence.
“Let’s talk about se,” I say, and Ryan looks shocked for a second.
“….Sex?” He says timidly.
“Yes. Sex.”
“What… what about sex?”
“I dunno. Everything.” I say. Ryan stares at me for a while.
“Like, sex in general…. Or sex involving… us?”
“Well… either, I guess but… I was kind of thinking more along the lines of… involving us….” I say.
“Oh… well, uh…” Ryan says, sounding nervous.
“Just so you know, I’m not in any rush to… to do it and I don’t want to like… pressure you or anything… because I know that when you went in my bag yesterday, you most likely saw the--”
“Yeah. I did. Um… I uh… I didn’t really know… what to think about that. And then I was thinking about it in the shower and one thought turned into another and then… well…” Ryan says and I laugh a bit.
“I wondered what took you so long…. Anyways, I didn’t buy them. My dad did and made me bring them because… well, I dunno. But the point is… is that I’m not uh… /expecting/ anything from you… until, you know… we’re both totally… ready.” I say.
“Until then, there’s plenty of other things we can do,” Ryan says with a smile. I smile over at him.
We make it to California by like, six that evening. We find another hotel to stay at and we check in and get settled into it. Since it’s only like, 7:30, we decide to go out for a while. And since no one in California knows us, it safe for us to hold onto each others’ hands the entire time that we’re out. Which is amazing and really makes me wish that we could do that at home. Anyways, we get back to our hotel around ten and make out for a while, then we go to sleep. The next morning, we get up, check out of our hotel, and then start driving to Los Angeles. We get there by nighttime. And this time when we check into a hotel, it’s actually a really nice one, since we’ll be staying at it for more than just the night. After we bring all our stuff up to our room and whatnot, we go out to check LA out. After a while, we find an eighteen and up club, and since neither of us have ever been in an actual /club/, we decide to go in. They check Ids at the door and I feel really cool that I’m eighteen and can get in. Hey, I’ve only been eighteen for four days now. It’s exciting, okay? When we go inside, there’s a lot of loud music and a lot of people dancing. There’s a bar off to the side which several people- who obviously came alone and are looking for a hook up- are sitting at. I hold onto Ryan’s hand as we go in and I feel kind of awkward because I don’t really know what to do. We just stand there for a few minutes, then I suddenly smile and begin to pull Ryan by the hand towards the large group of dancing people.
“Brendon, what are you doing?” He shouts over the music. I look at him with a large smile.
“We’re dancing!” I shout back.
“But I don’t know how to dance!” Ryan shouts, sounding slightly panicky. I shrug, still smiling.
“Neither do I!” I yell as we reach the dance floor. I let go of Ryan’s hand and grab him by the waist, pulling his body close to mine. I begin to grind my hips against Ryan’s and he just stands there awkwardly, obviously having no idea what to do. I don’t really know what to do either, but I’m just going with whatever. The song that is playing is some hip hop song that I don’t think I’ve ever heard before, but the beat is very danceable. I continue to “dance” against Ryan while he just stands there, laughing at me.
“Ryan! What won’t you dance with meee?!” I yell. He laughs some more, then leans down to yell into my ear.
“I told you! I don’t know how to dance!”
“So?! Neither do I! I’m just doing whatever! Come on, Ryan!” I shout.
“I don’t know how!” He says again. I roll my eyes, then place both of m hands on his hips and begin to move his hips from side to side. He laughs, shaking his head, then leans down to say something to me again.
“I feel like an idiot, Brendon!” He says.
“Yeah, so do I… but so what?” I yell.
“But you actually look hot doing whatever you’re doing! I just look like an idiot!”
“No you don’t! Besides, we’re never gonna see any of these people ever again so what does it matter?!” I shout. Ryan laughs, shaking his head, but I apparently made a good point, because he complies to my wishes and dances with me. Yes, we probably look like two idiots who cant dance, but… well, we are two idiots who can’t dance. But it’s fun, so it doesn’t matter. Within like, twenty minutes, we’re both really sweaty and really out of breath. So we walk over to the bar and get sodas and take a break. I check the time and it’s already close to midnight. Once it gets closer to midnight, the DJ that was off to the side on a really small stage, begins to pack up his stuff and leave, so the music stops for a while. When the music starts again, this time someone is singing it- very horribly and very drunkly. I might add.
Then, Ryan gets really excited beside me. I look over at him and he looks up at me with a huge smile.
“Brendon! Karaoke! You /have/ to sing karaoke!” He says excitedly. I laugh, but shake my head.
“I’m not singing karaoke,” I say simply. Ryan frowns.
“But you /have/ to! Please?!” He begs. I shake my head.
“No!’
“But you made m dance! Which I am /obviously/ not good at. But… karaoke, Brendon! You’re a /good/ at singing! Please, please, please, /Please/?!” He begs me. I sigh and look at him.
“If it means /that/ much to you-”
“Yes! It does!” He yells excitedly. I roll my eyes.
“/Fine/,” I say. Ryan makes a yelp of excitement, then grabs my face and pulls it towards his, kissing me very hard on the lips. Which is something that we’re never done in public, so I, of course, enjoy it a lot. Then Ryan drags me over to where people are singing karaoke. Almost everyone that plans on singing is very drunk. I look over at Ryan and tell him that I hate him for making me do this. He replies that he loves me. He grabs the book full of songs for karaoke and then we look at it together. I end up picking a Britney Spears song to sing. “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” Whatever, it’s a classic. And then I wait while a bunch of drunk people slaughter their own renditions to various songs. Then it’s my turn. I’ll admit, I’m extremely nervous. But Ryan gives me a very long kiss before he pushes me onto the small stage which makes me feel slightly better. But then I get onto the stage and some dude hands me a microphone and I’m suddenly really, really extremely nervous. The only person I’ve ever song in front of before is Ryan. And now there’s a whole room of people. And yes, most of them are drunk, and yes, I’ll never see any of them again, but I still wish that I hadn’t agreed to this. When the music starts, I’m pretty sure that everyone can see how badly I’m shaking. But I bring he microphone to my mouth and begin to sing anyway. I keep my eyes on Ryan for he entire beginning of the song. And after the first like, minute or so, I begin to feel not so nervous anymore. And people are watching me and I almost feel like I’m doing a good job. In fact, I even begin to dance a little bit. And when the song ends, people clap. People /clap/. For /me!
I basically run off the stage as soon as I’m done and Ryan meets me with a very big, amazing kiss. When he pulls away from me, he’s smiling really big.
“That was amazing! /You’re/ amazing! I love you!” He yells before kissing me again. I’m really into the whole Ryan-kissing-me-in-public thing.
“I can’t believe I let you make me do that,” I say to him, laughing.
“You know you had fun! And you were totally the best singer so far,” He says, still smiling. I shake my head, still laughing. We go back to our hotel not long after that, and we’re both really weird from the night’s events. It’s like, close to two by the time we got to our room and as soon as the door is closed, I have Ryan pinned up against it, shoving my tongue into his mouth and running my hands along his sides, underneath his shirt. I move my mouth from his lips down to his neck and he lets out a soft whimper which totally makes me as hard as it’s physically possible for me to be. Ryan begins to push my back towards the bed and then we fall onto it, Ryan on top of me. My hands are under his shirt, roaming along his lower back and sides. I roll over so that I’m on top of him, still kissing him, and my hands begin to wader along his stomach, up to his chest, then back down until they meet the top of his jeans. I pull my face away from his, bringing myself u, my knees on either side of Ryan’s waist. I reach down to Ryan’s pants and unbutton and unzip them, then my head goes back down so that my lips meet Ryan’s again. I shove my hand down into Ryan’s jeans and he moans into my mouth. I stroke his erection softly and his fingers dig tightly into my back. I wrap my hand around his dick and begin to move slowly up and then back down. Ryan lets out a moan, then reaches up to touch my achingly hard cock through my jeans and I, too, let out a loud moan, not having been expecting contact. I pull away from his again, so that he can undo my pants as well, then he pushes them down to my thighs so that my erection is out and visible. Ryan grabs onto it and then he starts moving his hand along it and I resume what I was doing to Ryan. We both get each other off, then I collapse onto Ryan breathing heavily. My pants are still like, halfway down, so my uncovered penis rubs up against Ryan’s hip. I try not to think about the contact or else I’ll get hard again. Ryan kisses me softly and tells me that he loves me. I smile and reply that I love him too. Then I pull up my pants and we fall asleep.
The next morning, we don’t wake up until pretty late because, well, we didn’t fall asleep until pretty late. The only reason we really wake up is because I get a call from my dad on my cell phone to check up on me and make sure everything was going okay. After I get off the phone with my dad, I crawl back into bed and make out with Ryan for a while.
The next few days seem to fly by way too fast and then, before we know it, it’s our last night in LA before we have to start heading back home. I’m kind of bitter about this. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to have to go back to my house, back with my parents and back to normality. And I don’t want to have to go to school. This whole time that Ryan and I have been in California, we haven’t had to pretend like we didn’t know each other or have to hide anything. We’ve been open with it; holding hands and kissing in public, but as soon as we go back home and back to school, all of the openness has to end and we have to go back to hiding everything. And that sucks.
The night before Ryan and I have to leave, we don’t go out or do anything since we need to be up in the morning- and our sleeping pattern hasn’t exactly need normal. We finish packing all of our stuff so that we’ll be ready to leave in the morning and we lay on the bed with the television onto some movie which neither of us are exactly paying attention to. My arms are wrapped around Ryan’s wait and he’s on top of me and kissing me softly, his hands in my hair. I’m already turned on and so is Ryan. My hands move up from his wait under his shirt and up his back, bringing his shirt up as my hands move up. He pulls away from me for a second so that I can pull his shirt over his head and off of him. Then my mouth goes to his neck, trailing kisses upwards to his ear.
“Ryan…” I whisper, once my mouth reaches his ear. He lets out a soft moan. “I… I want to… I want to fuck you,” I say extremely softly into his ear. Ryan doesn’t say anything in reply. He just lays there on top of me, not moving and I’m starting to wish that I had kept my mouth shut. Ryan finally moves, lifting his head up and then looking down at me with a nervous look on his face.
“I’m… I’m not… sure… if I’m… ready,” He says quietly. I stare up at him and my heart is beating really hard and really fast and I feel like an asshole and an idiot and Ryan is looking down at me and I don’t know what to say. I mean, what /does/ someone say after they’ve been rejected for sex? Especially their first time.
“I… I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to.. I mean, I’m not… I…”
“I want to, Brendon… believe me! I want to… I just don’t think that… right now…”

“It’s fine,” I say trying to hide my disappointment. “I understand.” I really, really do. I told him that we would wait until we were both ready, and if he’s not, then there’s nothing that I can do about that and that’s fine. I can wait until he /is/ ready. I just wish I hadn’t said anything because now this is really awkward.
“I’m sorry, Brendon,” Ryan says before rolling off of me.
“Don’t be,” I say, then lean over to give him a kiss on the check. Then I reach for the television remote and turn it off along with the light. Then we fall asleep, cuddling under the blankets. Well, I don’t really fall asleep. I just lay there in the dark for a while thinking about how much of an asshole I am. And how I’m even more of an asshole for feeling disappointed that things didn’t happen. Maybe I’m just eager to lose my virginity. And maybe I shouldn’t be. I’m really angry at myself. I eventually fall asleep, thinking thoughts along the same lines. When we wake up in the morning, we act as if nothing happened the night before even though we’re both thinking about it and we both know that we’re thinking about it. But nothing is mentioned, which is probably for the best. We check out of our hotel, get in the car, and start driving towards home. We reach the outskirts of Nevada by the end of the day so we stay in a hotel that night. The next day, we get back home around five. We go to my house for a little while, then I drop Ryan off at his house. I go back home and I start to unpack my bag, throwing all of my dirty clothes off to the side to wash later. When I reach the unopened box of condoms, I throw it over to my computer desk with a sigh. Then I try to tell myself that I’m not disappointed or upset that the condoms didn’t get used. Even if I might be lying to myself.
When school starts up again, I’m extremely depressed about it. I have to go back to not talking to Ryan throughout the day at all. When I pick Ryan up that morning, he seems as equally depressed about school as I am.
“I’m just happy that we only have one quarter left,” He says to me. I roll my eyes.
“That’s still a quarter too long,” I say.
When I get to first period, I take my usual seat behind Jon and wait for class to begin. But today, Jon decides to turn around in his seat and talk to me.
“So the rumours about you actually /are/ true, then?” He asks. And for a second, I’m about to ask him what the fuck he’s talking about, but then the scene from my birthday dinner suddenly comes back. Jon and Nicole, sitting at their table, witnessing the entire thing. I don’t answer him right away. I don’t know what to say.
“I’ve kind of been thinking about it a lot,” Jon continues, “I mean, since what happened in the restaurant that day… and after listening to what you said to your mom… I uh… I kind of… understand. I mean, I have a gay uncle and I never really thought about the whole gay thing before but you… I mean, Nicole told me all about what happened with you and her and why you broke up and I think it’s stupid that you have to hide the fast that you’re gay around school and that your mom doesn’t accept it, but… I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to worry about me telling anyone or anything,” He says. And I stare at him. Is this dude serious?
“Um…. Thank you.” is all I can manage to get out. Then he turns around in his seat without another word. Then our teacher comes in and starts lecturing us about how the fourth quarter is usually when seniors start slacking off, but in this class, that wont be accepted, blah blah blah, blow me, okay, thanks. There really is no point in putting an effort into the fourth quarter unless you’re going to one of those prestigious colleges or whatever. We’re already been accepted places for the most part. Community college for me. Hooray. And then I realize that Ryan and I haven’t talked about after high school. Like, I don’t even know what college he’s going to. What if it’s out of state?! But I’m sure he would have mentioned it if it were, I’m probably just overreacting. Besides that’s /months/ away. Pretty much all of first period is spent getting lectured about the last quarter and ‘preparing us for college’, so really, I don’t pay attention. My next two classes are basically the same and in gym, we don’t dress out and we just sit in the bleachers and chill. And today, I decide that I can’t stand not talking to Ryan during school, s I sit next to him in the bleachers. When I do, he looks at me with a surprised look on his face, but he smiles.
“What are you doing?” He asks. Smile.
“Sitting next to my boyfriend in gym class.” I say.
“What about…” He nudges his head upwards towards my usual gym friends. I shrug.
“I’d rather sit by you today, is that a problem?” I ask with a smile.
“No! Not at all!” Ryan says.
“Good.”
During lunch, I see a few people hanging up posters around the cafeteria, and at a closer look, I see that they’re for prom. When I get in chemistry, I sit down and immediately turn to Ryan.
“We should go to prom,” I say to him. He looks over at me, eyebrows raised.
“We as in… us? Together?” He asks. I nod.
“Yes. Like… as a couple. Like, as each others’ dates,” I say, smiling.
“I think that you’re forgetting one important factor, Brendon.”
“And what’s that?”
“No one /knows/ about… us,” He says. I roll my eyes.
“So, they find out. /Please/ Ryan? We can dance again!”
“Like /dancing/ will make me want to go?” He says with a laugh.
“Please just think about it?” I say. He sighs.
“Fine, I’ll think about-,” He says. The conversation ends because more people come into the classroom and it’s not exactly safe to speak about the subject anymore. After school, I attack Ryan with the topic of prom again.
“You have two weeks to decide,” I say. “But I really hope that you don’t take two weeks to make a decision, because there’s things to be taken care of, like a limo rental and outfits and all that jazz.”
“Limo rental?” Ryan asks, his eyebrows raised.
“Yeah! Like /we/ could go to prom without a limo? That’s a ridiculous, Ryan,” I say laughing.
“I don’t know… the whole /prom/ thing… it just seems so… so overrated,” He says.
“Maybe it is,” I say with a shrug. “But we can make it amazing,”
“Okay well… I’ll think about it,” He says.
I drop him off at his house and then I go home and go straight up to my room. I start thinking about prom and how amazing it would be if Ryan and I were to go. I mean, of course there’s the whole issue with the fast that the school doesn’t exactly know about us but… what if they did know? Or what is we went, despite the fast that no one knows? And then people would know, but it really wouldn’t make that much of a difference now, with only like, two months left of school, and even less once prom rolls around. I really wish that Ryan was a s enthusiastic about this whole prom thing as I am. But then again, I don’t think that he’s ever been to one of the school dances. As for me, I’ve been to homecoming all four years of high school. All with dates, all of which were female. I didn’t go to prom last year though, for some reason or another, which is probably one of the reasons that I’d really like to go this year. Plus the whole thought of it, and spending it with the boy tat I’m in love with… it’s just nice. My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door followed by my father’s face. I haven’t really gotten the chance to talk to him since Ryan and I got back from California, so he probably wants to know how that went.
“Hey, Dad,” I say to him.
“Hey. So, how was your trip?” He asks me. Oh, I’m good.
“It was good. It was very fun,” I say, then I tell him about it- leaving out a few certain details. Towards the end of my story, I notice my dad looking over at my computer desk. And I turn to see the unopened box of condoms that he bought for me just sitting there. I feel my cheeks heat up.
“Nothing happened.” I say, and his eyes snap back to me.
“Oh. Uh…” He says awkwardly. I let out a sigh.
“Is it wrong that I feel disappointed that nothing happened?” I ask him.
“Well, I don’t know. Were you /expecting/ something to happen?” He asks me. I shrug..
“I dunno. I mean, yeah, I guess I was…” I say, not looking at my dad.
“And you and Ryan talked about sex before you left?”
“Well, no, not exactly. But we did talk about it later. And we agreed that we would wait until we were both ready,”
“Which is probably best for both of you,” My dad says. I nod.
“I know. But the thing is, is that I /am/ ready, but… he’s not. And I mean, I’m fine with that because I don’t want him to not be ready, but at the same time, I feel… impatient.” I say my dad nods understandingly.
“That’s completely normal, Brendon. And I’m glad that you’re willing to wait from him to be ready, too.”
“Well, I love him. I don’t want to pressure him.” I say.
“And that’s good. But you know, when he /is/ ready, the moment will just be that much more rewarding then it would be if you hadn’t waited for the right moment.” He says.
“Yeah… you’re probably right. And I’m probably being stupid but…”
“No, not at all! I’m actually glad that you can come to me about these things.” He says.
“…So am I,” I say with a small smile. “I have one more question though,” I say.
“And what would that be?”
“How can I ask Ryan to prom that he can’t possibly say no to?” I ask. My dad stays silent for a minute, thinking, then he lets out a laugh.
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid that I can’t help you with that one,” He says.
When my dad leaves my room, I try to think if a way to get Ryan to go to prom, but I really don’t know. I obviously can’t just /ask/ him, because… yeah, that wouldn’t work. But for the time being, I’m pretty clueless.
By Friday, I have asked Ryan about prom at least a hundred times, but he still hasn’t given me a straight answer. I’m seriously ready to go to my knees and beg him… well that might not be /so/ bad, pervertedly speaking. I just wish that he would understand how badly I want to go!
“Ryan /please/?!” I’m begging him.
“I don’t know, Brendon!”
“Why don’t you know? What is there to not know? /Please/ Ryan? They start selling tickets on Monday,” I say. Ryan sighs.
“I don’t know,” He says again.
“/Please/?!” I say again.
“I don’t know,” He says, and that’s the end of that conversation.
The next day, Saturday, my dad wakes me up at like, noon, telling me to get up, go to the store, and go grocery shopping. I sit up in my bed and demand for him to get me the phone so I can call Ryan and see if he can come with me, but he tells me to just go, saying that I can survive doing /one/ thing without Ryan. So, whatever. I get up, get dressed, and then I leave, bringing the grocery list that my dad had handed to me. And then, I decide I hate grocery shopping alone. Yes, definitely. So, I hurry up as fast as I can to get the things on my dad’s list and get out of there. When I get home, I bring the bags into the house and set them on the kitchen table. Whatever, my dad can take care of those. Then I grab the phone and start upstairs to my room. When I reach the door, I take a second to turn the phone one and quickly dial Ryan’s number. But as soon as I open the door to my bedroom, I hang the phone up. Because Ryan is in my room, sitting on my bed. It actually takes me a minute to register exactly what I’m seeing in my room. There are several balloons lining the walls as well as a streamer- banner things, and… basically it’s decorated and really pretty. I look to Ryan and he’s smiling.
“I’ve decided that I’ll go to prom with you,” He says nonchalantly. I just stare at him, at a total loss for words. Then I pretty much run over to him and basically jump on top of him, kissing him.
“Ryan! How did you… what… how did you do this?!” I ask him. He smiles.
“Your dad helped me out a bit,” He says. I kiss him again.
“You are amazing. I love you,” I say, then I kiss him some more. And then we start making out on my bed. Then I hear a noise coming from my doorway. I quickly turn around to see my dad rushing out of the room saying that he’s sorry for interrupting.
When we



go back to school on Monday, Ryan and I decide that since we will be going to prom together, it’s time to start being open with our relationship. As risky as that might possibly be, we agree that it’s probably for the best. So, as we walk from my car into school on Monday morning, I hold onto Ryan’s hand. And it’s amazing. And when we go our separate ways for first period, I kiss him. And it’s wonderful. And apparently news travels really fast around this school, because as soon as I walk into first period, I pretty much get attacked with questions, some from people I don’t even know. And I answer all of them truthfully. Yes, I’m gay. Yes, Ryan is my boyfriend. By gym, though, I’m thinking that I should probably just make a sign that says ‘I’m gay’ and tape it to my forehead. Although when I see Ryan in gym, and greet him with a kiss, it’s a pretty clear indicator to those who have not yet asked me about my sexual orientation that I am in fact, gay. When we’re released to the locker rooms to change into our gym clothes, Tyler pulls me aside.
“So the rumours… were true all along?” He asks me. I nod.
“Yeah. Yeah, they were.”
“So… you’re gay?”
“Yes. I am.” I say relieved that he used ‘gay’ rather than calling me a fag. Tyler is silent for a moment, seeming to be figuring things out in his head.
“So that’s why you got so offended when I said those things to… Ryan. Because he’s your… your boyfriend…” He says. I simply nod. “Wow, I’m really sorry, Brendon. If I had known… I never would’ve…”
“Are you serious? But you’re like… one of the biggest homophobes….”
“No, I’m really not. I just like to make fun of people. And that Ryan kid was an easy target. But, I mean, now that I know about you… and I /know/ you, so, I mean, it’s kind of different. And I’m gonna be done being a homophobic asshole.”
“Wow. Thanks,” I say. Then we go into the locker room. All of this is so weird. I mean, people who I didn’t expect to be so… accepting, are. And it’s just shocking. Other people, of course, shoot some dirty looks towards Ryan and me, but I ignore them. I don’t really care about them at all.
By the time seventh period rolls around, I’ve been called a fag a total of eight time, all by people who I’ve never spoken to. But honestly, I really don’t care. It really doesn’t bother me. If I’m a fag, then I’m a damn happy fag. Before the start of seventh period, Ryan and I get a visit from Jon, who takes a seat in the desk next to me, then turns to face both of us.
“You guys are going to prom, right?” He asks us and we both nod. “Okay. Well, me, Nicole, and a whole bunch of other people are all sharing a limo and going out to dinner before prom and we wanted to invite you two to join,” He says.
“Are you serious?” Ryan asks him.
“Yeah, of course!” He says. Ryan and I look at each other, making a decision, then we both turn back to Jon.
“Yeah, sure, we’d love to,” I say with a smile. He smiles back at us.
“Okay, great. I’ll give you more details when it gets closer,” He says, then he does back to his seat in the back.
When the day of prom arrives, I actually start to feel kind of nervous. I mean, what if the night isn’t totally perfect? Every other school dance that I’ve gone to, I had a date that I really didn’t care that much about impressing or whatever. But this is very, very different. I start getting ready around five, we’re supposed to meet at Jon’s house at 6:30, and then go out to dinner and the to prom from there. Ryan gets ready over at my house as well. I put on my shirt and then I realize that I’m clueless on how to tie a tie. But I try at it anyways. Ryan notices me trying to tie it in every way possible, and he laughs, then comes over to me.
“Brendon, you’re gonna end up tying it in a knot,” he says then grabs the tie out of my hands. I watch him as he very easily ties the tie perfectly around my neck. I look up at him with a smile.
“Where’d you learn how to tie a tie?” I ask him.
“I used to go to Catholic School,” He says with a laugh. We continue to get ready and the, when we’re done, my dad requests that we pose pictures. I roll my eyes even though I like that my dad wants to take pictures of us before prom.
“/Dad/,” I say with a laugh
“Come one,” He says, “Just a few. You know you’ll be thanking me in a couple of years.”
“/Fine/,” I say. And my dad beings to take pictures of us on his digital camera. Although ‘a few’ turns into more like fifty. Seriously. While my dad is taking pictures of us, I see my mother peaking out from the kitchen. I haven’t really spoken to her at all since my birthday fiasco, so I kind of just ignore her. When my dad /finally/ finishes pictures, he walks with us to the front door.
“Just so you remember, your mother is dragging me off to some church convention tonight and it’s pretty far away, so we won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon. So when you come home and we’re not here, that’s why,” He says. As we walk out the door, I hear my mother saying something.
“Have fun,” She says to us. I look back at her and I can’t help but smile at her.
We leave my house and drive to Jon’s, following the directions that he had given me. When we got there, it seems as though Jon’s parents are being the same way as my dad had been. A few other people from school that I talk to occasionally are there and Jon’s parents are taking pictures of everyone. When Ryan and I get out of my car, everyone greets us with large smiles, and Jon’s dad rushes over to shake our hands.
“You must be the homosexuals!” He says excitedly.
“Dad!” Jon yells from not to far away. I almost can’t help but laugh a bit.
“My brother is a homosexual,” His dad says. Then Jon walks over to us.
“I’m sorry,” He says and I shake my head, laughing.
“It’s fine,” I say, as Jon’s dad begins to walk away.
“You know, people wonder why I act stupid sometimes and I swear to god, it’s his fault.” He says nudging his head towards his father. Ryan and I both laugh.
Jon’s parents take pictures for about another twenty minutes until everyone gets there and we all pile into the limo.
When we get to the restaurant for dinner, we all sit at a very large table and everyone is really loud and it’s actually really fun. I can tell than Ryan is having a good time which just makes me even happier. After dinner, we get back into he limo and then get off to where prom is being held. In the limo, I hold on to Ryan’s hand, him sitting next to me very closely.
“You know, I was kind of thrown off by the whole /gay/ thing at first, but you guys are actually really, really cute together,” On of Nicole’s friends says to us. I smile and look over at Ryan who is also smiling and blushing a little bit. One of the other girls agrees with her.
“Yeah, we are pretty damn cute, aren’t we?” I say with a laugh. Then the girl pulls her camera out of her purse that matches so perfectly with her dress.
“I want a picture of you guys together. /Please/?” She asks. Ryan and I both shrug, then I turn to Ryan and press my mouth against his cheek and pretty much every girl in the limo lets out a loud “aww”- and I’m pretty sure that Jon does as well.
We get to prom a little after it starts, and when we go in, I immediately try to get Ryan to dance with me. He shakes his head insisting that he looks like an idiot when he dances, but I tell him that I don’t care and that he’s dancing whether he wants to or not. I pull him onto the dance floor and it’s pretty much the same thing as when we went to the club in California; I’m dancing against him while he stands awkwardly, not knowing what to do. So, I move his hips for him and eventually he’s dancing with me and really, I don’t care that people I don’t know that go to our school are giving us dirty looks. They can all suck my cock. Well, not really, because that is reserved for Ryan. But really, the dirty looks almost don’t even phase me.
After a while, we both get pretty worn out and decide to take a break. Ryan sits down in one of the seats off to the side and I tell him that I’ll be right back with drinks. I walk over to where they are serving drinks and I grab two cans of soda and start back towards Ryan.
“Brendon!” I hear someone call. I turn around to see Nicole and I smile politely at her. Then she waves her hand, tell me to come over to her. So I do.
“I kind of wanted to talk to you,” She says over the music. I shrug.
“Okay,” Then she nods her head towards the exit door and begins walking towards it and I follow. We walk outside where we can talk without the music. She looks at me with a frown.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
“No, I’m really not,” She says.
“What? What’s wrong? Is everything with you and Jon fine?”
“/Yes/, everything with me and Jon is fine. Everything with me and Jon is just fan-fucking-tastic,” She says, sounding frustrated. I raised my eyebrows. Then she sighs loudly.
“You just don’t get it, do you? The only reason I started dating Jon in the first place was to make you jealous. Which obviously didn’t happen. But then, I couldn’t break up with him before prom because then I wouldn’t have a date, and all this time I’ve been hoping that you’ll get over this whole gay thing and then I can have you back!” She says and I stare at her, completely speechless.
“Nicole… being gay isn’t something that I can just ‘get over’. Do you think that I would feel comfortable letting the entire school know that I’m gay if it’s just gonna be a phase for me? I’m really sorry, Nicole. I really am. That everything that happened had to happen while we were dating--”
“So there’s really no hope left for me at all?” She asks desperately. I shake my head.
“I’m sorry, Nicole. I really, really am. But… I love Ryan.” I say and I notice the formation of tears in her eyes. “Please don’t cry,” I say. “You… You’re makeup will run.” She looks up at me, a tear falling from her eye.
“Oh god, you really /are/ gay.” She says, then goes over to the cur and sits down on it. I really don’t know what to do, so I sit down next to her. She starts sobbing in her hands and, really, I don’t know what to do at all.
“Nicole,” I say, placing my hand awkwardly on her back, to try to comfort her. “Nicole, I’m really sorry. Look, Jon is a nice guy,”
“Yeah, he’s nice, but he’s not /you/, Brendon! And he’s /stupid/!” She cries looking up at me. Her makeup has already started to run and smear, but I don’t say anything about it.
“Why is it so hard for me to find a guy? Either they’re gay or I just don’t like them! What’s wrong with me?!” She wails.
“Nicole, there’s /nothing/ wrong with you. Really! You’re pretty, you’re nice, you’re smart… and if I were straight I /would/ date you. But, I’m not”
“Yes! I know you’re not. You don’t have to keep reminding me. Every time I see you and Ryan, I get reminded enough. And I see how you look at Ryan and how you both look at each other and you never looked at me that way and you never will! And I just /hate/ how /prefect/ you two are together and it just drives me absolutely crazy! I’m /never/ gonna have that! With /anyone/!”
“Nicole, don’t say that! I’m sure one day you /will/ have that!” I say.
I sit outside comforting Nicole for the next like, forty five minutes, until she finally stops crying and is mentally stable enough to go back inside. When we walk back in, the first thing I see is Ryan sitting exactly where I left him, completely alone and picking at his fingernails absent mindedly. There’s a slow song playing and there’s a large group of couples dancing on the dance floor. And I feel like a totally asshole. I rush over to Ryan and when he sees me, he jumps a bit, then quickly wipes at his eyes with his hands.
“Brendon!” He says. Shit. I made two different people cry in one night.
“Ryan, I’m /so/ sorry!” I say and I really mean it. Ryan stands up from his seat.
“It’s… it’s fine…” He says but I’m not convinced. But I don’t know what else to say. He doesn’t ask me what happened or where I went when I told him that I was going to get us drinks- which I accidentally left outside, by the way. And I don’t know what to say. We stand there awkwardly for a few minutes in silence.
“What… Where where did you go?” He finally asks me. I take a deep breath before telling him exactly what happened. When I finish he replies with an “oh”. And he sounded upset and I don’t want him to be. And I’m pissed at myself for completely ruining he night when I wanted everything to be absolutely perfect.
“I’m really sorry,” I say to him again.
“It’s fine, really.” He says softly, not looking at me.
“No, it’s not! It’s not fine! I’m an asshole!” I insist.
“Brendon, it isn’t your fault,” He says. I look up at him.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
“I know,” He says with an extremely small smile. “Come one, let’s go dance. There’s only a half hour left of this thing.” I raise my eyebrows at him.
“/You/ want to /dance/, Ross? I think I’ve created a monster,” I say and Ryan laughs, shaking his head.
“Come on,” He says, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the dance floor. We dance for the rest of the dance. During the last song, a slow song, I pull Ryan close to me, my arms wrapped around his waist and his around my neck.
“I’m really sorry that tonight didn’t turn out perfectly… like I was hoping,” I say to him. He smiles and shakes his head.
“It’s fine Brendon. It’s okay now and… you still have time to make up for earlier,” He says, then leans down to my ear. “Your parents won’t be home until tomorrow.” I smile up at him and he just smiles back. And now I’m very eager to get home.
When prom ends, we get back into the limo and we drive back to Jon’s. Nicole doesn’t look at me at all. When we get back to Jon’s, everyone says goodbye to each other. A few people ask if Ryan and I are going to any of the after-prom-parties, but I say no. Then we get into my car and go to my house. When we get there, we go up to my room and immediately start making out. After a few intense minutes, Ryan pulls away from me and looks me directly in the eyes.
“Brendon…” He says softly, then places a hand on the side of my face. “I… I’m ready.” My heart speeds up and I stare at Ryan, a smile coming onto my face.
“Are… are you sure?” I ask him and he nods.
“Very sure,” He barely whispers.

That night, Ryan and I fall asleep cuddling in my bed. I made sure that my door was locked before we fell asleep so that neither of my parents walk in and see us. The next day, Ryan doesn’t go home and we spend the day being lazy. Ryan doesn’t go home that night, either. And the next day, he skips school. Completely and totally not like him, I know. But it was his idea, and I wasn’t going to talk him out of it. Besides, having him here is a lot better than spending my suspended day at home alone.
So, we pretty much hide out in my room until my parents leave because they didn’t even know that he stayed the night. My parents go to work and Ryan and I finally go downstairs to the kitchen and we cook breakfast together.
“I feel so bad ass,” Ryan says to me after we finish breakfast. I smile.
“Your ass is good, though.” I say to him. He smiles and I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him against me. “/Very/ good,” I whisper as one of my hands runs down to his very small but very cute ass. I give it a small squeeze and Ryan’s cheeks immediately turn pink. I tilt my head upwards to meet his lips and I kiss him for several wonderful minutes. Then we go back to my room and Ryan does amazing things to me involving his mouth and my dick. Then we just do whatever. I drive Ryan home a few hours later and I’m actually kind of upset that he has to come home. I mean, I just spent like, two and a half strong days with him and I kind of really enjoyed being with him. We “say goodbye” to each other for a few minutes in my car and then he leaves my car and goes in his house.
I don’t see Ryan again until I go back to school on Wednesday. I pick him up on the way there because I’m a good boyfriend like that and then we go to school. Once we get to school and we have to go our separate ways for first period, I almost lean in to kiss him, but then where we are registers with me and I don’t.
In first period, while I was gone for three whole days, my seat had been taken over by some new kid who I immediately dislike because… well he took my sea! I go up to him and tell him that he’s in my seat, but he just looks up at me and shrugs. Thanks, asshole. So now I have to sit in the desk behind him. Yeah I know. Hardly a difference at all, but it still pisses me off.
The new kid’s name is Jon and he’s in my gym class as well. I only see him for a second, though, before I see Tyler coming up to me and I’m scared.
“Urie!” He says and I stare up at him. He sounds like he’s being nice to me now. Like before all of the locker room fighting.
“Um… Hi,” I say nervously.
“Look,” He says, “I know what happened between us wasn’t pretty, but I’m willing to forgive you and be cool again, but anyways, I’ve been hearing some things and I just wanted to make sure that they’re only rumours.” He says and my heart starts beating really fast. I look him in the eyes and this is weird, being all friendly with him considering that the last time I cam in contact with him, I was punching him.
“What… What did you hear?” I ask him calmly.
“I’ve heard that Nicole’s been saying that you cheated on her,” he says, “And then I’ve heard rumours that you cheated on her with the Ryan kid in our class… but I’m guessing that those rumours only started because of what happened the other day,” he says. And he pretty much seems to have figured out whether or not he believes these rumours, so really, I don’t know why he came to me because I don’t even know how to respond to what he said. So I laugh. I’m a pretty convincing actor, I like to think,
“Yeah, don’t believe everything you hear, Tyler,” I say. He seems satisfied, even though I didn’t tell him if anything was true or not. But I’m not complaining, of course. When we get into the locker room, I quickly whisper “there’s rumours” to Ryan.
“I know,” H whispers back. Then we both exchange worried glances and then go about doing whatever. Ever since the fight last week, the locker room is now supervised which really kind of sucks.



Throughout the day, more people ask me about the rumours. I deny them because I don’t know what else to do. It’s not like I can just be all like, “Yes, I am now dating a guy.”, because… yeah, that wouldn’t be good. During lunch, when I usually sit next to Nicole, I instead sit next to some person who I don’t really know at the same table. Nicole doesn’t look my way once the entire lunch period.
As soon as I walk into math, I go straight over to Nicole.
“Nicole, what have you been telling people?” I ask her. She looks up at me and shakes her head.
“It doesn’t matter what I said. You’re denying it, anyways. And I’d really prefer it if you would just leave me alone now. I’m over you Brendon. I’ve moved on,” She says. I raised my eyebrows.
“You’ve moved on?” I ask her. She nods.
“Yes, I have,” She says, and then, as if on cur, I hear a voice behind me.
“Excuse me,” I turn around to see the new kid and then I look back to Nicole to see that she’s smiling.
“Hi Jon!” She practically yells. And then the bastard sits down in my usual seat. Seriously, three fucking days and everything is all fucked up. I don’t even say anything as I trudge to the front of the class and fall into the desk behind Ryan. I mean, of course I don’t mid sitting behind Ryan because he’s really pretty and it’s a nice view, but it still kind of pisses me off. This Jon kid comes to our school and in just a few days, he’s taken over my seats and he’s dating my ex-girlfriend. And that really shouldn’t bother me at all, but just the fact that he’s doing it angers me. And now I’m sitting behind Ryan, but we made the decision to talk to each other during school until the rumours fly over. So we don’t talk until he meets me at my car after school. As soon as he opens the door, I start to rant.
“I hate school,” I say. “I’m thinking that I’m just gonna… drop out.” Ryan smiles a little then leans over to the drivers seat and kisses me on the check, And yeah, it makes me feel instantly better.
“You can’t drop out now. Third quarter is almost over. And then fourth quarter and then we’re free!” He says. I smile a very tiny bit.
“I know, I know, It’s just that… I’m not in school for three days and as soon as I get back there’s rumours going around about me- which may or not be true- and then this new /Jon/ kid comes and totally steals my seat in two classes! And now him and Nicole are dating and she’s known him for what? Two days? Honestly…” I say. Ryan frowns and I’m pretty sure I know what he’s thinking. “It doesn’t bother me personally that he’s dating Nicole,” I assure him. “It’s just….”
“I understand.” Ryan says.
When we get to his house, I drop him off and then I go home.
The next day sucks just as much as the day before. If not worse, because I don’t talk to Ryan at all, and almost every time I see Nicole and Jon together, Nicole gets all giggly and weird with him. I’m very relieved when the last bell of the day rings and then Ryan is with me in my car. But I just drop him off at his house then I go home. The next day is exactly the same, but I’m extremely happy that it’s Friday. After I’m home for a while, and the phone rings and I jump up to get it, knowing that it’s most likely Ryan. My mom answers the phone downstairs first, though. Then she yells out that its for me. I immediately grab the phone that’s in my room and answer it.
“Hellooooo, My lovely, darling Ryan.” I practically sing into the phone- I hear Ryan laughing on the other end.
“Hello, my hot, sexy, Brendon,” He says and I smile really big.
“So what’s up?” I ask him
“Well,” He says, “My dad will not be home for… quite a while…”
“Oh Really?” I ask, smiling like crazy.
“Yes, really. So uh… wanna come over?”
“Well… I dunno. What might we do if I come over?” I ask. Ryan laughs.
“Well, there will probably be some kissing involved…”
“Mhmm,” I say, “What else?:
“Probably a little bit of touching… and maybe if you’re lucky… some--”
“Okay, don’t even finish that sentence because I don’t feel like driving while I’m hard,” I say and Ryan laughs. Then there’s a loud clicking sound on the other end. “What was that?” I ask.
“I dunno.” Ryans says.
“Oh… Well anyways, I’ll be over in a little while.”
“Okay good, see you soon,” Ryan says. Then we hang up and I rush into the bathroom to fix my hair and make sure that I look okay. Then I’m bouncing down the stairs, car keys in hand, ready to leave. My parents are both sitting on the couch and I yell out to them that I’m leaving.
“I’m going over to Nicole’s,” I lie to them- yeah, they don’t know that we broke up. “I’ll be back later.”
“Wait!” My mom calls out to me, standing up from the couch. I turn to look at her.
“What, mom? I’m already running late!” I say.
“I think that you should stay home tonight,” She says. I stare at her.
“You’re kidding, right?” I say to her. She shakes her head.
“No, I’m not. I think that you spend to much time with your friends and not enough time with your family.”
“Okay, well, we can have a family bonding time some other day because I have plan for tonight,” I say.

"No, Brendon." She says. Then I see my dad looking at her oddly, then to me.
"Go on, Brendon," He says to me.
"No!" My mom insists. "I think you should stay home tonight."
"But mom!" I say, getting really impatient.
"Just go, Brendon. And I'll monitor your mother's drinking from now on," My dad says, and then I'm pretty much running out of my house before my mom can get in another word. On my way out the door, I hear my dad asking my mom what's wrong with her. I'd like to know, too, but I have a gorgeous boy waiting for me and frankly, that's more important. When I get to Ryan's house and knock on his door, it only takes like, two seconds before I'm being attacked and pushed back towards Ryan's room and then we do wonderful, amazing, enjoyable things.
I attempt to leave Ryan's house around 10:30, but I don't /actually/ leave until about eleven. When I get home, my mom is still awake, which is highly unusual. She's sitting at our kitchen table not doing anything and she looks as though she's been crying.
"Mom, are you okay?" I ask her, walking into the kitchen and over to the fridge.
"Yes, I'm fine." She says. "How was Nicole's?"
"Fine," I say, opening a bad of potato chips and shoving some in my mouth. My mom is silent for a while.
"Why are you lying to me?" She suddenly asks. I turn to look at her.
"What?" I say, my mouth full of food, so it comes out slightly muffled. My mom doesn't look at me.
"You didn't go over to Nicole's tonight. You... you.." And then she starts crying. I set the bag of chips on the counter and I rush over to her really fast because she can't be talking about what I think she's talking about. She can't know!
"Mom, what... what are you talking about?" I ask sitting in the chair next to her at the table. She sobs into her hands and doesn't answer. "Mom!"
"I heard you on the phone today!" She cries. And I suddenly feel like I'm going to throw up.
"Mom..." I say placing my hand on her arm. She pulls her arm away from me, still crying and not looking at me.
"Mom," I say again. "Mom, please stop crying. Please look at me and let me explain." I'm totally panicking inside and I feel like I want to cry or throw up. My mom cries harder and doesn't look at me.
"What is there to explain!? You... you're..."
"Mom! Please!" I'm practically yelling. "Just calm down and we can talk about this!" Why do I feel like I'm being the more mature one about the situation? My mom stands up from the kitchen table, shaking her head. Then she just leaves the kitchen, going toward her room.
"Mom!" I call out to her. But she goes in her room and closes the door. I slump down in my chair and I'm feeling really sick. My mom knows. That's why she was being so weird earlier today. She didn't want me to go over to Ryan's. She doesn't want me to be gay.
I don't know if I've mentioned that my parents are religious. But they are. More so my mom then my dad, though. They go to church- and they used to make me go. but I finally talked my way out of it. Anyways, my parents are Mormons. Which is probably the most ridiculous religion to ever be, a religion which is the main reason why I stopped going to church. It's stupid. But one of the main things I learned during my like, sixteen years attending the stupid Mormon Church was that homosexuality is like one of the biggest sins ever. And if you're gay, you're going straight to hell. So it's kind of obvious why my mom is overreacting, being the devout Mormon she is. And it probably didn't help that what my mom overheard on the phone wasn't the most uh... innocent conversation ever. Sex before marriage is a pretty big sin, too. Even though we weren't talking about /sex/ sex, it was still pretty sexual.
I sit at the kitchen table for only a few minutes before I get up and trudge up to my room, trying not cry. When I get to my room, I don't even bother trying to hold back tears anymore. I can feel them pouring out of my eyes and onto my cheeks. I squeeze my eyes shit, trying to make them stop, but it's really no use. I blindly find my way to my bed and fall down on top of it, burying my face into my pillow. After a while, I finally stop crying and then I just lay there in my bed and I eventually end up falling asleep. When I wake up the next morning, I don't immediately remember what, exactly, happened the night before. And to be honest, I didn't want to remember. But I did. And then I consider staying in my room for the entire day. But I don't. I walk downstairs completely dreading facing my mom. I walk into the kitchen and she's sitting at the table again. This time with my dad sitting next to her. They both look up at me when I walk in and I feel extremely uncomfortable. I walk over to the fridge casually, hoping that neither of them say anything to me and that I can grab something to eat and then go straight back to my room.
"Brendon." My dad says to me.
"Yes?"
"Your mother and I need to have a talk with you," He says. Shit. I hesitate for a second wondering if it's possible for me to come up with some way to get avoid this conversation. But my mind is blank.
"Okay," I say, then turn to the table and take a seat across from my parents. My dad looks at me with a calm expression while my mom is wiping her eyes with a tissue.
"Now... your mother tells me that she overheard something on the phone yesterday involving you friend, Ryan-"
"Boyfriend," I correct him. My dad raises his eyebrows and my mom starts sobbing.
"I was going to tell you both eventually. I'm really sorry that you had to find out the way that you did. I really am." I say and I'm amazed at how calm I'm managing to stay. Especially with my mom crying the way she is right in front of me.
"Brendon... Are you sure... about this decision?" My dad asks me.
"It's not a /decision/, Dad. It's just... how I am"
"God did /not/ make you this way, Brendon!" My mother suddenly yells. I look at her.
"What, do you think I /chose/ to be gay?!" I say and now I'm yelling. Goodbye, calmness.
"You're not gay!" My mom yells, still crying.
"Yes I am! And if you can't accept that, then you can't accept me!"
"I won't! I won't accept it!"
"Well, too fucking bad! Because it's not changing!" I scream.
"Brendon Boyd Urie. Don't you /ever/ use that language with me ever again! And if you refuse to change, then I don't want you living in my house!" My mother yells. My dad yells my mother's name and tells her to calm down.
"You can't do that, Mom! That's not fair! I didn't choose to be this way and I can't help it! I can't just /change/!"
"For nearly eighteen years, I've been putting a roof over your head and clothes on you back and you barely have to work for a thing you own and /this/ is how you repay me?! By being a disgrace to this family!" My mother yells, and my dad says her name sharply again. And now I'm standing up and screaming with tears pouring out of my eyes.
"Is it not enough for you that I try as hard as I possibly can to be the perfect son for you and that I love you and that I try /really/ hard to not disappoint you or upset you?!"
"No! It's not enough, Brendon! What do you think you're doing to me now?! You're a disgrace to the family! What are your father and I suppose to tell people?! How will I show my face in church ever again?!"
"You're worried about your own reputation, Mom! That's not what this is about! This has nothing to do with you! You're being selfish!"
"No, /you're/ being selfish! Did you not think that this would affect other people, Brendon?!"
"Of course I knew it would affect other people, but what don’t you under about the fact that I /can't/ help it?! This isn't my fault, Mom!"
"Yes it is!" My mom screams.
"No it's not! If it were my choice, I /wouldn't/ be gay! Do you have any idea how hard it was to come out to /myself/ let alone coming out to you?!"
"Well you sure didn't have a problem coming out to /Ryan/," My mom snarls at me. I stare intently at her.
"This isn't about Ryan, so don't bring him into it, please."
"I don't want you spending anymore time with that boy."
"What?! Mom, you can't do that!" I scream.
"Oh, I very well can! While you're living in /this/ house, you are not to see him!"
"You're /punishing/ me for something that's completely out of my control?! Mom, you can't be serious!"
"I am /very/ serious!"
"I hate you!" I scream very loudly, before turning away and running out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and into my room. I fall down onto my bed and I can hear my parents downstairs yelling at each other- which is highly unusual. Now they're gonna get in fights and then get a divorce and it will all be my fucking fault. I cry into my pillow and my eyes really start to sting, but I just can't stop crying. My mom hates me. My mom is ashamed of me. And her being this way hurts more than I ever thought imaginable.
I lay in my bed for about an hour, then I hear a soft knock on my door. I yell to whoever it is to go away. But my door opens and my dad steps inside.
"You have a phone call," He says to me. I look up and him and he hold the phone out to me. "It's Ryan," He says with a small smile. I take the phone from him, giving him a mildly shocked look, then he leaves my room.
I tell Ryan everything that happened with my parents. And how my mom doesn't want me to see him anymore- but I quickly reminded him that my eighteenth birthday is very close, and that even if she does get her wish, it will only be for a very short amount of time. After I get off the phone with Ryan, I lat in my bed some more. Then I hear knocking on my door again and my dad comes in again.
"What?" I ask, not bothering to look at him.
"I want to talk to you, Brendon," He says. I sit up in my bed. He sits down next to me. I stare at him, waiting for him to talk.
"You know, your mother doesn't mean the things she says," He says. I roll my eyes.
"Yeah right."
"She really doesn't. She's just saying those things because she doesn't know what else to do."
"What about you, Dad?" I mean, you didn't get a chance to say much of anything earlier..."
"I know. That's why I'm here now..." He says. Then he's quite for a second. "You're mom told me last night... about what she overheard. And at first... I was shocked. And a little upset, even. But I listened to what you were saying to your mom earlier... and... if you really have no control over... this... then there's nothing that I, your mom, or anyone else can do to change that. And if this is how you are, then I'm going to have to deal with it eventually, whether I like it or not. And by the looks of what happened earlier, it looks like you could really use a supportive parent right now. I love you, Brendon. No matter what, and you'll always be my son, no matter what... whether you like it or not," He says. And then I'm crying again and hugging my dad and mumbling how much that means to me. And then I'm telling him how sorry I am. He pulls me tighter to him and says that I have absolutely nothing to be sorry about.
When I finally stop crying, my dad stops hugging me and then we on my bed in a semi-awkward silence.
"So... About this Ryan boy..." My dad says. And I instantly feel my cheeks heat up and I start smiling a bit. "Tell me about him." Hey says. My face just gets hotter, and I'm sure that my dad can see it.
"He's... he's really nice... and really smart- he's been helping me in my classes! And... and I really like him a lot." I say, not making eye contact with my dad because... this is kind of awkward.
"Well, that's good. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters." Hey says. "But... now that I know about this, we're gonna have to set some ground rules. Such as a curfew when you're out with him. What do you say... ten on weeknights and midnight on weekends?" He asks. I nod with a smile.
"That works."
"And when he's over here, I want your bedroom door open, understand?"
"Yes, sir," I say rolling my eyes. "If he ever comes over here again..."
"Don't worry, I'll talk some sense into your mom," He assures me.
He leaves my room a little while later, telling me that everything will be okay. And I feel a lot better after that. At least one of my parents accepts me.
The next day, I leave my house with my dad's permission to go over to Ryan's. When I get there, I feel like things are weird and different. My mom fucks everything up. We don't savagely start making out like we usually do and... it's just kind of weird. Of course, within like, an hour, the weirdness goes away and we're making out like animals.
The next day at school, it seems as though all the rumours about me and Ryan have disappeared everyone is now focused on what they're doing for spring break next week. Which leads me to wonder what I will be doing for the entire week we're off from school. That day in the car after school, I look over at Ryan with a smile on my face.
"Let's run away for a week and do something totally crazy for spring break," I say to him. He laughs at me. "I'm totally serious!"
"And where do you propose that we run away to?" He asks me. I smile.
"I dunno. Somewhere cool. obviously." I say
"Well, /obviously/. Like /we/ would go somewhere /not/ cool? Honestly." Ryan jokes. I roll my eyes at him.
"I'm being totally serious, Ry. This is our last high school spring break, we need to make it memorable. And in like, twenty years we can look back and be all like 'oh remember that one year when spring break was totally amazing?' and then you'll be thanking me." I say. Ryan laughs at me.
"Look, I'll do whatever you want, you just have to think of something," He says.
"Thanks, leave me with all the decision making." I say.
"Well, it's your idea." He says.
After I drop Ryan off at his house, I go home and go straight upstairs to my computer to try to figure out what Ryan and I can do over spring break. Yes, I'm totally serious about going somewhere with him. I just don't know where. I'm on the computer for probably like, an hour or two when I hear my dad coming into my room. I know it's my dad because ... well, me and my mom aren't currently on the best of terms at the moment. Anyways, my dad comes into my room and then he stands over my computer.
"Planning a trip?" He asks me.
"Oh, uh......" I say, minimizing the screen.
"Anyways," He says, "Your birthday is on Friday."
"I know." I say.
"Your mother and I are planning on taking you out to dinner. And we want Ryan to come, too." He says. I stare up at him.
"By 'we' do you mean 'you'?"
"Well... it was my idea, yeah, but your mom agreed to it. I've talked to her, you know, and she's gonna give her best effort to try." He says. I'm hesitant for a moment.
"Fine," I finally say. "I'll call Ryan and ask him if he wants to come," I say. Then my dad leaves the room and I grab for the phone. I call Ryan and tell him what my dad had just told me.
"Uh... are you sure that that's such a good idea?" He asks. I sigh.
"I don't know. But... please come?" Ryan doesn't answer for a while.
"I guess I will," He says.
The rest of the week goes by slowly, almost tauntingly, because I'm really excited for spring break. I still have no idea what's going on, but I do know that /something/ will be going on. I talked to my dad about going away with Ryan for the weekend and he approved. Not that he could have really stopped me considering that my eighteenth birthday is the Friday before spring break starts. Anyways, by the time Friday rolls around, I'm more excited about spring break then I am about the fact that I'm finally eighteen and legal. When I pick Ryan up for school that morning be practically bounces to my car with a huge smile plastered across his face.
"Good morning, my birthday boy!" He says cheerfully as he climbs into my car, then leans over to give me a long, passionate kiss. When he pulls away, we're both smiling.
"Good morning to you, too!" I say.
"It's your birthday! You're eighteen! You can buy cigarettes! You can watch porn! You can... you can get into all eighteen and up clubs and! And date a fifty year old and-"
"Ryan, none of those sound appealing," I say laughing a bit.
"That doesn't matter! At least you have the option!" He says excitedly and I laugh at his enthusiasm.
The rest of the day, only like, two other people remembered my birthday, but I guess that's what happens when I kind of stop talking to other people. During chemistry, though, we get our third quarter report cards. Ryan got his before mine since they were in alphabetical order and well... Ross comes before Urie. Anyways, Ryan gets his and I look over to see what he got. Yeah, I know, we weren't talking to each other in school but... it's my birthday! I'll talk to my boyfriend in school, dammit! Ryan smiles when he sees his grades.
"I have a C in this class," He says.
"Whoa. Wait. /You/... /Ryan Ross/... has a /C/ in chemistry? And you're /smiling/ about it?!" I say, almost laughing.
"Yeah, well... I spent so much time helping /you/ that I kind of started slacking off. Not that I mind, of course." He says.
"Mr. Urie... much better this quarter." Mrs. Morris says, dropping my report card on my desk. I pick it up at look at it.
"Holy shit, are you serious?!" I yell out. Ryan looks over at the sheet of paper in my hands and he smiles at me. I have mostly Bs, except for a C in this class and a D in history. Which is /really/ good for me. And it's all because of Ryan!
By the end of seventh period, I’m in such a good mood that Ryan and I walk to my car together instead of doing our usual routine where he meets me here. We go straight to my house after school and go up to my room. Since my dad is home, I follow his wishes and leave my door about halfway open. Then, I go on my computer and Ryan lays on my bed and I begin to tell him the options for our spring break.
“I was thinking.” I say, leaning back in my chair a bit so that he can see my computer screen, “that we can drive to California. And not like, just drive straight there but like, stop along the way. And then there’s this really nice hotel that’s in the middle of everything, pretty much. How does that sound?” Ryan thinks for a minute.
“I told you, Brendon, I don’t care what we do. Anything will be amazing,” He says.
“Fine, whatever, don’t be involved in anything we do,” I say jokingly. Ryan laughs.
“Fine, I won’t be. I’ll just tag along and make you take advantage of me at every rest stop.” He says, and I’m really turned on by the thought of that.
“You know, that actually doesn’t sound half bad,” I say, standing up from my computer chair and walking over to the bed.
“Of course it doesn’t,” Ryan says, reaching up to me and pulling my down onto the bed on top of him. My lips meet his and then my hands are running through his hair and I /really/ can’t wait until we get to spend almost a whole week by ourselves away from home. And the main thing that I’m thinking about when it comes to this week alone is: sex. For some reason, I just feel like there’s a very high possibility of it happening. I mean, we’ll be away from home together, where there’s no parents around and… it just makes sense right? And of course, as much as the thought excites me, it also kind of scares me. I’m such a virgin! But… maybe I won’t be for very long…?
After making out for quite some time, we get up and then I make sure I’m ready to go out to dinner with my parents, then I drive Ryan over to his house so that he can get ready. Around five, we leave his house so we can meet my parents at the restaurant by 5:30. By the time we get there, my parents are already there and they’re waiting outside on a bench for us. We get out of the car and I’m praying to god that this won’t be as awkward as it probably will be.
I sit across from my mom at our table. Ryan sits next to me, across from my dad. It’s probably the best possible seating arrangement because my mom is being really awkward and I’d rather her be awkward right in front of me than right in front of Ryan, because I don’t want Ryan to feel awkward. Anyways, all through dinner, there’s hardly any conversation. Our table is probably the quietest table in the entire restaurant. People are probably seeing us and thinking ‘wow, that must be a really dysfunctional family’. After we’ve eaten our meals, my dad slips away for a second to ‘use the restroom’. Even though I know that he’s actually going to get the restaurant people to sing to me because that’s what he does every year on my birthday. While my dad is away, I feel like the awkward tension increased by like, a million. I’m pushing a piece of lettuce around my plate with my fork because I’m bored and awkward.
“Well, this was nice.” My mother says. I look up at her. “I miss spending time with you, Brendon. It seems like the only time I get to see you is on someone’s birthday. And I was very nice that you brought your friend with you.”
“Boyfriend, Mom.” I say to her. She looks at me for a second.
“… Friend.” She says stiffly. I see Ryan shift uncomfortably in the seat next to me. I don’t even bother to answer her. We sit in silence again for a few minutes. I really wish that my dad would come back already.
“So, Ryan.” My mother says, “What do your parents do for a living?” I notice Ryan’s cheeks turn pink,
“Oh… um… my… my dad… he uh… he changes jobs a lot.” He stutters out. My mom nods.
“And your mother?” She asks. I could probably shoot her right now, I mean, okay, yeah, she doesn’t know that Ryan doesn’t live with his mom but does she really have to be so… nosy?!
`”Um.. I uh… I’m not sure. I don’t… I don’t live with my mom…”
“Oh, well that explains it, then,” My mom mumbles. My eyes snap up to her.
“”Mom,…” I say. Just then, my dad comes back to the table and sits down. He opens his mouth to say something, but my starts talking again instead.
“You know, I did some research online the other day, and it’s a proven fast that kids who don’t have a great family life or that have problems at home are more likely to be gay. It’s something about a need for attention or something.”

“Mom, stop!” I say sharply to her. Ryan it staring extremely hard at the table and I feel like I could possibly slap my mom right now. My dad asks my mom what’s going on but she doesn’t respond to him.
“But see, that doesn’t make sense for you, Brendon. Because you have a good family life and you always have. So, I’m trying to figure out why--”
“Mom, please stop.” I say. She doesn’t listen.
“I’m just wondering what I could have possibly done wrong for you to turn out the way--”
“Mom, please just stop. For /one/ single night can we /please/ just get along like a /normal/ family? Is that so much to ask?” I beg her.
“Is it so much to ask that my son were normal?” My mother says, not looking at me. I don’t say anything in reply. My brain is too busy registering what she just said. I stare angrily at my plate, still pushing the piece of lettuce around with my fork. Then, totally out of anger, I throw my fork down onto my plate and it makes a very loud crashing sound. Both of my parents and Ryan jump and then look over at me.
“Brendon! Control yourself! We’re in a public place!” My mother whispers harshly.
“Don’t tell me to ‘control myself’, Mom. I’ll control myself when /you/ shut the fuck up and just accept the fact that I’m gay and stop denying it or blaming other things.” I say, my voice rising just a bit.
“Brendon! What did I tell you about speaking to me like that?!”
“I can speak to you however the fuck I’d like because you know what? I have absolutely /no/ respect for you, Mom! Just accept the fact that your son is gay!”
“You aren’t gay!” My mother yells. Yes, yells. And now everyone in the place is staring at us but I don’t care. I am very angry and very irrational.
“Yes I am!” I yell, standing up from my seat. And then I suddenly feel like I’m stuck in a scene from a really horrible movie because then a bunch of restaurant people are coming over to our table to sing to me, but I’m standing up and screaming at my mom. “I /am/ gay, mom! And you can’t change that and you denying it is pointless because you’re going to have to accept it sooner or later or you’re going to have to accept it sooner or later or you’re going to end up losing me because I’m not sticking around with a mother who is ashamed of me!”
“I’m not ashamed of /you/, Brendon! I’m ashamed of this mistake that you’re making with your life!”
“Mistake?! How is this a mistake?! If you haven’t noticed, I’m extremely happy and in an amazing relationship with an amazing boy who I am very much in love with!” I yell, and the words seem to just slip my mouth like I have no control over them even though I have total control and I mean every single work. I see Ryan look up at me after I say this. Pretty much the entire restaurant is staring at me, but Ryan is the only one who matters. The restaurant workers who came over to sing to me are all standing around awkwardly and it’s very obvious that none of them know what to do.
“You are not in love with him!” My mother screams.
“Yes I am! How can you possibly tell me whether or not I’m in love with someone?! You don’t know my feelings, Mom! And you /obviously/ don’t know me!” I yell, then I reach down to grab Ryan’s hand, “Come on, let’s go.” I mumble. To him and he stands up and I don’t let go of his hand.
“Thanks for ruining my birthday, Mom.” I say to her before turning around and heading towards the exit.
“Brendon, stop!” I hear my dad yell out at me. “Brendon, please come back!” I don’t listen, though. I can feel everyone in the entire building staring at me and Ryan as we leave. Then I see a table which Nicole and that Jon kid are sitting at and they’re both staring at us. Seriously, fuck. I try to ignore their stares as Ryan and I finally reach the exit of the restaurant and some bitch at the exit tells me to have a nice evening. I have to refrain from telling her to go fuck herself. We walk outside and I’m still holding Ryan’s hand and I’m not aware of how tightly I’m griping it. I’m trying so hard to not cry. I don’t want to cry in front of Ryan. But I’m apparently very bad ad at holding back tears because they come pouring out of my eyes and I cant do anything to stop them. When we reach my car, I finally let go of Ryan’s hand and I get in, wiping at my face and hoping that Ryan didn’t notice that I was crying. If he did notice, he doesn’t say anything. He gets into the passengers seat and I stick the key in, but for some reason, I don’t start my car. I cant stop crying. I cant control it at all.
“Brendon…” Ryan says softly. And then I feel his arms wrapping around me and my face buried into his shoulder and it’s kind of an awkward position considering that we’re in my car but I don’t care. Ryan just hugs me and lets me cry. Then he says the most amazing thing that I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth- or anyone’s mouth for that matter.
“I love you, Brendon.” He whispers softly in my ear. And my heart speeds up so much that I actually think that it might explode for a second. I look up to him and his eyes meet mine.
“I love you too, Ryan,” I say. Then we just look at each other for a while in silence. Not an awkward silence, but more like an understanding silence. I’m not crying anymore and everything that happened in the restaurant just minutes ago seems to be completely erased from my mind and all that I care about is staring into the gorgeous eyes on the man that I am in love with. I lean up to his face and press my lips against his and I can’t even explain how I’m feeling. I love him. And he loves me. We are in love and despite all of the unpleasant events of the evening, I couldn’t be happier.
We finally drive away from the restaurant and we go to my house since Ryan’s dad is home. My parents get home not long after we do, but my door is closed and locked so they don’t bother us. Yeah, I know, my dad wanted me to keep my door open while Ryan was here but really, I don’t care. We lay on my bed, Ryan next to me, one of my arms flung over his body.
“I’m sorry that tonight was so… weird,” I say to him
“It’s not your fault. Don’t be sorry. /I’m/ sorry that your birthday wasn’t… amazing.” He says.
“Are you kidding? I mean other than my mom, my birthday was pretty perfect.”
“I uh… I have a uh… a birthday present for you… it’s…. it’s kind of stupid… but I didn’t really know what to get you… and… yeah…” He says, sitting up and reaching down to the floor. He sets a wrapped package on the bed that I guess I didn’t notice him bring up to my room. I sit up as well and I smile.
“Like I said, it’s… kind of stupid… so don’t, you know… get too excited or anything,” Ryan says, his cheeks turning pink. I pick up the package from the bed and I tear back the wrapping paper. I tear off the paper and I look down at a cardboard box, decorated with markers. I lift the lid off of it and look inside. The first thing I see is a CD with the words “Brendon/Ryan Mix #1” written on it in black marker. Under that is a mess of papers, some of which I recognize from his notebook, a few pictures of us together, and the detention slip from when we had detention together. This is probably the cutest things anyone has ever given me and I almost feel like I might start crying again.
“Ryan…” I say.
“I know… it’s stupid…”
“No, it’s /really/ not, this is amazing, Ryan. I love it… and… I love you,” I say. Ryan smiles.
“I really like hearing you say that,” He says, still smiling. I lean over to him and my lips brush his softly.
“Well then, I’ll make sure to say it more often,” I whisper against his lips. “I love you,” I say again before pressing my lips against his.
“I love you, too,” He mumbles out between kisses.
Ryan sleeps over that night. We don’t leave m bed at all from the time that he gave me my birthday present until the morning. When I wake p, Ryan is still sleeping. Our chests are pressed against each other with Ryan’s hand in between, resting in the middle of my chest, my arms around his waist. Our legs are tangled together and we’re so close that I can feel Ryan’s chest rising and falling as he breaths. I don’t wake Ryan up. I lay there and watch him as he sleeps. When he finally wakes up, he smiles at me and then I lean in to kiss him. And for a while, we just lay in my bed not saying anything and just kissing each other.
“You realize that It’s officially spring break, right?” I say. Ryan smiles.
“And do we have any idea what we’re doing yet?” He asks.
“Well… not /exactly/… but… we should just get in the car and drive. And wherever we end up… is where we spend spring break,” I say. Ryan laughs.
“That sounds… like it could be extremely interesting and… amazing.”
“So you’re up for that?” I ask.
“Yes!” I smile.
“When will you be ready to leave? I ask excitedly.
“I’ll be ready to leave as soon as you are ready to take me to my house and then let me pack shit,” He says. I smile.
“Okay, get in the car, I’m taking you home now,” I say, then we both jump out of my bed.

I drive Ryan to his house and drop him off so he can pack, then I go back to my house so that I can pick. When I get into my room, I pull out a bag and I start throwing pretty much everything I own into it. I’m kind of rushing because I’m really anxious to leave. Once I’m pretty sure that I have everything I need. I hear a knock on my bedroom door and then my dad comes in.
“Are you guys leaving today?” My dad asks. I nod.
“Yeah. Is that a problem?”
“No, not at all. It’s just… before you leave, I wanted to talk to you,” He says. Oh god, I know what’s coming next. /The/ talk.
“About?” I ask organizing some of my stuff. My dad sits down on my bed.
“About your trip with Ryan,” He says and I turn around to look at him. “I know that you’re an adult now and that I don’t have any control over your actions, but since I know that you and Ryan are… pretty serious now, I figure it’s time that we’re had… this talk. And I don’t know what has… already happened -”
“Nothing!” I cut in, feeling really awkward.
“Okay, well… I’m going to spare you the awkward parts of this conversation, but basically, you’re going away together for a week alone and… I just wanted you to uh… be prepared for what for whatever might happen and uh…” I suddenly notice that my dad has a plastic, grocery-store bag in his hands which he then sets on my bed. Then he gets up. “Have a good time. Make sure you tell me before you leave.” He says, then leaves my room. I walk over to my bed and pick up the bag that my dad left on my bed. I don’t even have to look inside to know what’s in it. I pull a box of condoms out of the plastic bag and let the bag fall to my floor. Then I unzip my bag full of clothes and throw the box inside of it. Nothing wrong with being prepared, right?

Current Location: cayla's bed.
Current Music: fob.

if anyone wants to find or make me an awesome layout thingy, that would be...awesome.
brendon/ryan, plzzz. duh.
<3

this is new. this is different.

credit goes to cayla for typing most of this for me.  so, if there's any horrible typos, blame her ass.

They got out of the car and went into the house and spent the next few hours waiting for it to be time to leave, once again, for the airport. When the time finally came, they left for the airport and successfully boarded their plane. Once on the plane, both Brendon and Ryan pulled out their iPods and busied themselves for the several hour flight. Within the first couple hours of flying, they had both fallen asleep. Ryan awoke a couple hours later due to discomfort from the small airplane seat. The first thing he noticed when he woke up was Brendon’s arm which was flung across Ryan’s lap, his hand resting only inches away from his manly area. Ryan tensed and looked at Brendon who was sleeping soundly, then back to Brendon’s hand. He wanted to move it, only because he was mildly turned on by the closeness of it to his own…area, but he didn’t want to wake him up by moving him. He thought about it for a while, deciding whether or not waking him up would be better than getting a hard-on simply because oh his hand being on his lap. But it wasn’t /just/ because his hand was on his lap, but more so what the hand could do on his lap. Ryan pushed the thought out of his head, angry at himself that he even thought about it. He wasn’t supposed to be having those kind of thoughts about Brendon. They agreed that there was nothing between them. Ryan stared at Brendon’s hand. He wouldn’t be having these dirty thoughts if there was nothing between them. He wouldn’t be having these dirty thoughts if nothing had ever happened between them. Ryan reached down to grab Brendon’s hand off of his lap, but as soon as he did, Brendon shifted sleeping positions. He pulled his hand away and Ryan let out a sigh of relief. Brendon turned sideways in his seat, resting his head against it, then flung his other arm around Ryan’s chest, then moved his head onto Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan frowned. This was worse than it was before. His hand wasn’t by his crotch anymore, but now he was basically /all/ on him. Ryan tried to not think about it and to think about anything else other than Brendon, but he couldn’t. And the part that he disliked most was the fact that he was thoroughly enjoying having Brendon snuggled up against him.
“Brendon,” Ryan whispered, trying to wake him up. “Brendon!” Brendon looked up at him, his eyes barely open, but then just closed his eyes again. “Brendon,” Ryan said again. Brendon let out a grunt, then nestled closer to Ryan. Then Brendon sat up, away from Ryan, opening his eyes all the way.
“Oh! Ryan! I’m sorry!” Brendon said, sleepily. Ryan looked at him, unsure if he wanted to laugh or not.
“It’s fine,” Ryan said. Brendon sat up a bit more, rubbing his eyes.
“Are we almost there?” he asked. Ryan shrugged.
“I don’t know. Probably.”
“Oh. Okay. Well…okay,” Brendon said.
The plane landed in Europe about an hour later. The got off the plane and found their luggage and were then greeted by Spencer, Brent [[ew. Why is he not gone yet?!]], and the band’s tour manager.
“Shit,” Brendon said. “We’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do.”
“Do you know how lucky you two are that you don’t have any shows until tomorrow?!” their tour manager yelled out at them.
“We’re so sorry, [Tour Manager’s Name]! You have no idea how badly we both feel!” Ryan said to him.
“Just don’t let it ever happen again! And whatever it was that caused this to happen, don’t let that ever happen again, either!” he said. Brendon and Ryan both exchanged quick glances and then looked back at [Tour Manager].
“It won’t happen again, I promise,” Ryan said. And then they left the airport and got on the bus that they were using for the tour. The next morning, Brendon and Ryan decided to walk around outside and do a bit of European sight-seeing. They walked outside of their us and were immediately met by William yelling their names from a few feet away.
“Ryan! Brendon!” he called out, quickly walking up to greet them.
“William!” they both yelled, then hugged him.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” Ryan said.
“Because you haven’t!” William laughed. “So, I heard that you two missed your flight yesterday.” Brendon and Ryan looked to each other and laughed.
“Yeah, uh…yeah, we did,” Brendon said.
“Now, how did that happen?”
“Well…we both overslept…and I hadn’t finished packing…” Brendon said.
“Mm, irresponsible,” William joked. Brendon and Ryan laughed.
“Well...things uh…things popped up,” Brendon said, then looked over to Ryan who looked away, wanting to laugh at the double-meaning of Brendon’s statement.
“So, William,” Brendon said, quickly changing the topic. “How are you doing?”
They talked for a while longer, then they went on doing whatever. They played the show that night and then they went on to the next place. The next few days passed and soon, they were around the England area and William’s girlfriend who had been studying abroad in England came to visit for a few days. The first day that she visited, William introduced her to everyone that didn’t already know her, and then they both disappeared to the TAI bus for a while.



TO BE CONTINUED.

until i type more...........

They got back home and then a couple weeks passed and after what seemed like no time at all, they were packing their stuff to go back on tour, this time overseas. The evening before they were supposed to leave, Ryan had almost finished packing and was throwing a few more things into a suitcase. After he was basically done, he assumed that Brendon was still procrastinating with packing, so he left his room and knocked on Brendon’s door. He walked inside and saw that Brendon was sitting on his bed, his Sidekick next to him, staring straight forward. A few open suitcases were on the floor and piled of clothes were sitting next tot them. Brendon looked up at Ryan.
“Oh, hi,” he said to him, sounding dazed.
“Hey,” Ryan said. Brendon jumped up from his bed and began to go towards the empty suitcases.
“Shit. I haven’t even started packing my stuff yet,” he said, sounding flustered.
“Do you want some help?” Ryan offered.
“Yeah. Yeah, that would be great,” Brendon said, grabbing some of his clothes off the floor and throwing them into his suitcase. Ryan walked over and began to help him. The worked in silence for a couple minutes, both of them sitting on the floor, packing Brendon’s stuff.
“Audrey and I broke up,” Brendon suddenly blurted out. Ryan looked up at Brendon, looking shocked.
“What?! Oh my god, I…I’m so sorry! Are you okay?!” he asked him. Brendon sat down the pile of clothes he had and looked at the ground with a shrug.
“I don’t really know. I…I think so. I mean…I mean, I guess I kind of knew it was coming, but…I mean…I just…it’s so…weird. And of course, we’re leaving tomorrow. And of course, it had to be over the phone and now…I feel like I should be upset, but really, I’m not and that’s the weird part because I feel like I don’t even care. Even though…I should.”
“Well…if you don’t care, then…that’s good. I guess,” Ryan said.
“But I feel like I should! I mean, I love her…or…loved her. I mean, I never remember falling out of love with her, yet, I don’t care that we broke up. And that doesn’t make any sense!”
“Well…maybe you will be upset. After it sets in and such. And then you won’t feel so weird,” Ryan said.
“But I don’t want to be upset,” Brendon said.
“Well then, if you don’t want to be upset and you’re not upset, then maybe you just shouldn’t worry about it. Maybe because since you knew that the breakup was coming, you had subconsciously prepared for it, so now that it happened, you’re okay with it.”
“Maybe…. Or maybe I just really don’t care. Maybe I never really cared at all. Maybe I’m a heartless asshole and when I said that I loved her and when I told myself that I loved her, maybe I was just doing that to make both her and myself believe that I actually did love her and maybe I never even loved her at all and I just thought I did and maybe now that it’s over, me not caring is just proving that I never really loved her and if that’s the case, then I was lying to myself about that and who knows what else I’m lying to myself about and now I’m totally rethinking everything I ever thought about and it’s driving me crazy! And maybe dating Audrey in the first places was pointless if I never even loved her,” Brendon said.
“Well, do you regret dating her?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, if you don’t regret it, then it wasn’t pointless,” Ryan said. “I mean, so what if you never actually loved her. You still enjoyed being with her, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, of course I did. But, I mean, our relationship went on for so long and if I never even loved her, then what was the point in it being so drawn out? I mean, I’m already almost nineteen and I’ve never even been in love!”
“Brendon. You’re /only/ almost nineteen. You and I /both/ have plenty of time for love, still,” Ryan said.
“Yeah, but you’ve been in love before.”
“Yes, I have, but look at how that turned out.”
“Do you regret it?” Brendon asked. Ryan shook his head.
“Not at all. I regret how it ended, of course, though,” he said. Brendon was silent for a moment, as if thinking.
“…What’s it like? Being in love, I mean?” he asked.
“What’s it like?” Ryan repeated. “It’s……fucking amazing, honestly. When it’s mutual, anyways. I mean, to have such strong feelings for a single person who has the exact same feelings for you…it’s like, the most unbelievable connection you could ever have with someone. And it’s an amazing feeling to know that there’s a person that you would willingly do anything in the world for that would willingly do anything in the world for you. And to be able to have the thought that you might possibly spent the rest of your life with that person…even if that’s not how it turns out…,” Ryan said, trailing off. Brendon looked at him.
“…Are you…still in love with…him?” he asked him. Ryan looked at him.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I would like to say no, obviously, but of course, there’s still that part of me that wishes more than anything that we were still together. I mean, I don’t love him anymore, no…but as far as being /in/ love with him…I don’t know…” Ryan said, looking down at the floor. When he looked up again, Brendon was staring at him.
“I feel…like there’s something that I would really like to do right now…but at the same time, I know that I shouldn’t…but I want to,” Brendon said softly and slowly, as if choosing his words carefully. Ryan looked him directly in the eyes and they stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. Brendon began to lean in closer to Ryan, extremely slowly at first, then Ryan leaned in closer as well. Their faces were only inches away before their lips brushed against each other’s, but only for a second before Ryan jerked away and then jumped up to his feet. Brendon did the same.
“I uh…I should probably go uh…finished packing!” Ryan said and Brendon nodded.
“Yeah! Uh…I need to finish packing, too, so uh…yeah!” he said, and then Ryan turned towards the door. He was halfway to the door when he paused and turned his head back to look at Brendon who was watching him. They looked at each other for only a few seconds before Ryan turned around from the door and then they both flew at each other, their mouths meeting. They kissed each other forcefully and passionately and they kept going as if neither of them even cared about breathing. Ryan’s hand moved up either side of Brendon’s face, pulling him closer still and kissing him harder. Brendon ran his hands up Ryan’s shirt and they broke away, finally, both of them gasping for air, just long enough so that Brendon could pull Ryan’s shirt off of his body. Brendon dropped Ryan’s shirt to the floor and pushed his mouth against Ryan’s again, beginning to push him back towards the bed. They broke away again so that Brendon could pull his shirt off, but quickly resumed, their tongues rolling over each other, hands running over each other’s bare skin. They pulled away from each other once again and Ryan began to fumble with Brendon’s belt, trying to remove it, but was soon distracted by Brendon’s mouth on his neck, moving down to his shoulder. Ryan let out a soft whimper as he finally undid Brendon’s belt and began to unbutton his jeans. Ryan unbuttoned Brendon’s jeans and had just begun to unzip them when Brendon pushed him back and he fell back on top of the bed. Brendon climbed on top of him and started kissing him again, holding himself up above Ryan, one of his legs between Ryan’s, the other off to the side of one of Ryan’s legs. Ryan placed his hands on the back on Brendon’s neck, pulling his face down, closer to his and kissing him harder. Brendon moved one of his hands down to his pants and finished unzipping them and pulled them down as fast as he could with only one hand. He got his pants down only a little before Ryan reached down to help him pull them off. Brendon kicked his pants off completely and then readjusted himself so that he was straddling Ryan’s waist. He continued to kiss Ryan as he began to undo his belt and pants, but then climbed off of him so that he could pull his pants off. As Ryan finished pulling his pants off, Brendon reached over to the dresser next to his bed and pulled open the drawer before reaching inside and feeling around for a second, and then pulling out a condom. He turned back to Ryan and kissed him again, then Ryan pulled away for a second.
“Brendon, what are we doing?” he asked breathlessly.
“I don’t know. But I don’t care. I don’t want to stop,” Brendon relied and then started kissing Ryan again.
“Brendon. Seriously. If you’re gonna regret this, then - “
“I won’t regret it,” Brendon said, shoving his tongue back into Ryan’s mouth and rolling himself on top of him. Ryan reached down and stroked Brendon’s erection through his underwear, making him moan into his mouth. Brendon jumped up, off of Ryan, and hurriedly pulled his boxers off and tore open the condom package. Ryan tore his underwear off and as soon as Brendon had rolled the condom onto his length, Ryan reached out to him and pulled him down on top of him. Ryan rolled them over so that Brendon was on his back and he was on top of him. He kissed him again before he sat up, straddling Brendon’s waist. Brendon stared up at him and the Ryan placed his hands on Brendon’s lower stomach, supporting himself as he lifted himself up and then slowly down onto Brendon’s erection. Brendon moaned and pushed his hips upward, pushing himself into Ryan. Ryan bit down on his lip as he pushed down onto Brendon as far as he could, then back up and then down again. Brendon grabbed onto Ryan’s hips and thrust himself into him at the same time that Ryan pushed himself down. Brendon moaned, arching his back and pressing his lips together, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as Ryan continued to slide up and down on Brendon, moaning just as loud as him, his head thrown back slightly. Ryan leaned down, his mouth colliding with Brendon’s, his sweaty hair hanging in his face. Brendon reached up to Ryan’s face and placed a hand on his cheek and they stared into each other’s eyes, their thrusting and heavy breathing in sync. Ryan bit down on his lip harder, grabbing at the sheets below Brendon before moaning again, louder than before. Brendon closed his eyes, grabbing at Ryan’s skin and pulling him closer as they both finished. Ryan collapsed down onto Brendon, his head on his chest and they laid there, the only noise being their heavy breathing. After several minutes of laying on top of Brendon, Ryan finally rolled off of him and onto the bed, next to him.
“Brendon…,” Ryan said quietly.
“We can talk in the morning,” Brendon replied, without looking at him. And then they laid there n silence until they both fell asleep. The next morning, Ryan awoke, not sure if what had happened the night before had actually happened. He opened his eyes to see that he was in Brendon’s room, in Brendon’s bed, and without clothes on. He turned over on his side to see Brendon lying next to him, sleeping. Ryan stared at him for a minute, watching him sleeping and breathing. And even though he was lying right next to him, Ryan still couldn’t believe what they had done. He turned back onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about what happened. He slept with Brendon. He had had sex with his best friend; his band mate. The exact night that Brendon broke up with his girlfriend. The night before they had to leave for Europe. Ryan shot up in the bed and quickly turned to Brendon.
“Brendon, wake up!” he yelled. Brendon’s eyes fluttered up and he looked up at Ryan for a second before he also sat up quickly, looking both shocked and scared.
“Europe!” he yelled, then threw the blankets off of him, jumping up out of bed. “Shit! I didn’t even finish packing! What time is it?!” he asked frantically, grabbing his boxers from the floor and pulling them on.
“I don’t know!” Ryan replied, then turned around again to look at Brendon’s alarm clock. “It’s already 10:30! Our flight is at 11:15!”
“Fuck!” Brendon yelled out, hurriedly throwing his last few items to be packed into his suitcases. He picked up Ryan’s boxers from the floor and threw them at him. “Hurry, get dressed and get your stuff together! We still have a chance to make it!” Ryan pulled his clothes on and quickly walked out of Brendon’s room, into his own and threw a few last things into his suitcases, then grabbed one and carried it out to the living room. He relocated all of his luggage, then went back to Brendon’s room to see if he needed help still. He opened the door and Brendon was pacing his room, talking on his Sidekick.
“I don’t know how it happened, Spencer! We both forgot to set an alarm or something, I don’t know!……Yes, we are hurrying……I don’t know, if we don’t make it, just go without us!….Of course we’re gonna /try/ to make it. …Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye,” he said, then hung up and looked at Ryan.
“I finished packing,” he said. “We just need to put out shit in the car and then go and catch the plane and we have…twenty minutes.”
“We’re not gonna make it,” Ryan said softly.
“Yes we are! Just get moving and we’ll be fine!” Brendon said, grabbing his suitcases and heading for the bedroom door. They loaded their luggage into the car and then pulled out of the driveway, heading towards the airport. They got to the airport and they got out of the car, grabbing their suitcases and began to run towards the entrance as fast as they could with their luggage. Once inside, they had to pass through security, Brendon checking the time every few seconds. When they got past the security, they ran towards the boarding gates, running through crowds of people. The finally found their plane to find that the doors for boarding had been closed.
“Fuck!” Brendon yelled out, causing several people to turn and look at him.
“What are we gonna do?!” Ryan asked, sounding as though he were about to cry.
“I don’t know. What /can/ we do? We’ll just have to take a later flight,” he said, turning around, looking around the airport. “Come on,” he said to Ryan and then they set off, back through the airport to where boarding passes were bough. Brendon walked up to the desk and began to talk to the lady. Ryan stood beside Brendon, looking at the floor.
“Are you serious?!” Brendon said. “The next flight isn’t until /nine/?!”
“I’m sorry,” the lady behind the desk said. Brendon took in a deep breath.
“Okay, well, we’ll take those, then,” he said. He turned around to looks at Ryan while the lady printed their plane tickets.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said quietly.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Well, this never would have happened if - “
“Ryan, it’s not your fault. It’s both of our faults,” Brendon said aggressively. Ryan looked towards the ground again.
“I’m sorry…it’s just, there’s a lot of stuff going through my mind right now,” Brendon said.
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Ryan said in a half-joking tone.
“And for some reason, the only thing that bothers me the most is thinking that us missing the plane is a sign that last night was a mistake.”
“Well, it probably was, but -”
“It was?” Brendon asked, looking at him.
“I don’t know, was it?!”
“No!” Brendon said.
“But you just said - “
“Do you think it was?!”
“No! I don’t think so. I mean, I sure as hell don’t regret it, but I mean, really the only bad thing that’s come from it so far is this…”
“And that’s really not that bad. I mean, it’s kind of worth it,” Brendon aid.
“Is it?”
“Yeah, I think so. I mean, last night /was/ pretty amazing. And it’s not like there was no other flights today. I mean, yeah, we’ll get there later than everyone else, but it’s not like it matters /that/ much,” Brendon said.
“Um, here are your boarding passes,” the lady behind the desk said, handing the tickets to Brendon.
“Oh! Right, thanks,” Brendon said, taking them from her, then he and Ryan began to walk back to the airport exit.
“Well, we have like, eight hours to kill,” Ryan said. Brendon looked at Ryan with a smile.
“We can do more of what we did last night,” he said.
“Brendon!” Ryan laughed. And then they walked in silence for a while.
“We should probably talk about what happened, shouldn’t we?” Brendon asked. Ryan looked at him and nodded.
“Probably.”
They walked back to the car and got in and Brendon began to drive back to his house.
“So…last night…” Brendon said.
“Last night…” Ryan repeated.
“Was, without a doubt, the hottest sex of my life, but where does that leave us?”
“Where can it leave us? I mean, we can just forget it ever happened and just go about our lives…”
“And it would remain as just an irrational, one-night thing. Or…there’s the option of…having more than that,” Brendon said.
“But along with that option comes a lot of risks,” Ryan said.
“Our friendship, the band, all of that.”
“Exactly. And…that’s /a lot/ to risk.”
“I agree,” Brendon said. “And, not to say that I wouldn’t like to have more than just a one-night things with you, but I strongly think that there’s too much at stake for us.”
“I definitely agree,” Ryan said. “So...last night was just a one time thing?”
“Yeah, I think that would…probably be best.”
“Unless you want to make it…one and a half times,” Ryan said, then looked surprised at what had come out of his own mouth. Brendon looked at him, also looking surprised.
“Ryan Ross can talk dirty?!”
“That…wasn’t even that dirty,” Ryan said with a laugh. “I mean…unless you /want/ me to talk dirty,” he said as he reached down to Brendon’s thigh. Brendon tightened his grip on the steering wheel and looked at Ryan.
“You do whatever you want, Ryan,” he said with a smile. “But if you’re gonna do something, please make it quick because I’m finding it very hard to concentrate on the road when I’m this hard.”
“If you can’t even concentrate now, how the hell will you be able to concentrate if I’m sucking you off?”
“Oh, I’ll manage!” Brendon said. Ryan smiled and leaned down and unbuttoned and unzipped Brendon’s pants. Brendon lifted his hips slightly so that Ryan could slide his pants down just enough so that his erection was visible. Ryan wrapped his hand around it, then leaned down and ran his tongue alone the length before putting the tip in his mouth and sucking on it hard. Brendon moaned loudly, grabbing onto the steering wheel even tighter. Ryan used his hand to stroke the rest of Brendon’s erection that wasn’t yet in his mouth. He put the rest in his mouth and sucked it, running his tongue against it. He looked up at Brendon who was looking down at him, moaning.
“Road!” Ryan said, muffled by Brendon’s penis. Brendon’s eyes snapped back up to the windshield as Ryan continued the blowjob. Brendon pulled into the driveway of the house and turned the car off, just ass he was overcome with loud, uncontrollable moans, thrusting his hips upward, closing his eyes. He fell back onto the car seat, panting, and Ryan sat up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. They looked at each other for a while, not saying anything.
“well…,” Brendon said. “That was a nice way to end our relationship that never happened.”
“Yeah. It was. So, now, there’s absolutely nothing between us,” Ryan said.
“Right. Nothing at all,” Brendon agreed with a smile.

No more was mentioned about what Ryan had done and he didn’t tell anyone else. Ryan had to wait until the end of the tour and until he was back home before he could get tested, but there was only a little more than a week left anyways. Ryan was dreading the last few days of the tour, all of them being in Chicago. The first two Chicago shows went fine and it wasn’t until the last Chicago show and the last day of the Truck Stops and State Lines Tour that the reason Ryan was dreading the shows made itself present. Ryan sat in the bus with Spencer watching television to pass the time until the show when the door to the bus opened and Brendon stepped inside followed by Patrick.
“Patrick!” Ryan and Spencer both yelled out before jumping up to greet him with hugs.
“Hey!” Patrick said, hugging them both. Then he turned to look at Ryan. “Ryan! How are you?” he asked, sounding concerned.
“I’m…okay,” Ryan replied, knowing fully well what Patrick was implying. Patrick nodded with a small smile.
“That’s good,” he said.
“Um,” Ryan said, looking towards the floor. “Um…is he…here?” he asked, then looked up from the floor to Patrick who nodded.
“Yeah. He is,” he replied softly. An awkward silence followed. Brendon and Spencer looked to each other before Brendon spoke as to break the silence.
“So. Uhm,” he said. The looked to him and he looked as though he wasn’t sure what to say, but he began to talk anyways. “So, uh…it’s a…very nice day,” he said.
Patrick talked to them for a while longer before he left their bus, leaving Ryan feeling slightly uneasy at the high possibility of having to see Pete later. Even if he didn’t come in contact with him at all, simply seeing him would make Ryan uncomfortable. The day went by and they played the show and Ryan didn’t see Pete at all. After they played their set, Panic went backstage and then into their dressing room to change out of their stage clothes. As Ryan walked out of the dressing room, he stopped in his tracks, looking in front of him. There he was, standing with Patrick and William, engaged in some conversation. Ryan didn’t move, he just watched Pete, suddenly feeling horribly sick.
“Ryan, what are - oh,” Brendon said from behind him.
“Why would he even come?” Ryan asked, without looking away. “I mean, it’s not like it’s just coincidence that we’re both here. He /knew/ that I would be here and it’s not like this is even an important event. I mean, he’s seen this exact same show how many times now? He doesn’t have to be here but he /is/ and now for some reason I can’t stop staring at him because I don’t even know what to do because I don’t want him to see me and I don’t want to make any contact with him whatsoever because that’s awkward and I just wish that he would go away,” Ryan rambled, still not moving or looking away.
“Ryan…just…walk and don’t worry about him. I’ll walk with you and it will be fine,” Brendon said, placing his hand on Ryan’s elbow and nudging him forward. Ryan nodded and began to walk forward.
“Brendon, get on this side of me, please,” Ryan said, moving so that Brendon would be between him and Pete when they walked by him. “Wait, where are we even going?”
“I don’t know, where did you plan on going?”
“I don’t know! Why am I even walking?!” Ryan whispered harshly.
“Just keep walking, Ry,” Brendon said. They were almost halfway to where Pete was standing and then they would be past him. Ryan kept his eyes on the floor as he walked. He looked up when they had almost passed him just as William left Pete and Patrick and Pete and Patrick began to walk into the exact path that Ryan and Brendon were walking. Without saying a word, Ryan swiftly turned around and began to walk in the other direction. And also, without saying anything, Brendon grabbed Ryan and turned him back around just as Pete and Patrick crossed in front of them. Ryan stopped walking and just stood there as Pete turned and looked at them and made eye-contact with Ryan. Pete stopped walking as well and they stood there, neither of them knowing what to do. Brendon and Patrick looked to each other, both of them looking at alarmed at what could possibly happen.
“Ryan, come on, let’s go,” Brendon whispered to him. Ryan appeared to have not have heard him. “Ryan!” he whispered again. Ryan didn’t move. Brendon looked from Ryan to Pete.
“Why did you even come if you knew that he was going to be here and that there would be all this awkwardness?” Brendon said to Pete bitterly. Ryan and Pete finally looked away from each other and then they both looked to Brendon.
“Well…I didn’t know that - “ Pete started.
“Bullshit,” Brendon cut in. “You just expect that you can come to the same place where the guy whose heart you broke will be and expect to not see him or for him to not see you or for there to be no awkwardness and for everything to be fine?”
“Brendon, that…really doesn’t concern you,” Pete said, looking away from him.
“Well, actually, it does. Because you hurt my best friend to begin with in more ways than you could ever imagine and now you being here is hurting him all over again and I was pissed at you to begin with, and now I’m /really/ pissed at you and I’m using every ounce of strength I have to not attack you right now,” Brendon said angrily. Ryan looked at him, his mouth slightly open, looking taken aback.
“Brendon…stop,” Ryan said softly, placing a hand on Brendon’s arm.
“No,” Brendon said to him, shaking his head. “Because there’s a lot of shit that I’ve been wanting to say but couldn’t and now I finally have the chance.”
“Brendon…” Pete said, looking away. “I can understand why you might be mad at me, but…don’t you think that you’re being just a bit irrational?”
“Irrational?” Brendon laughed. “Yeah, I’ll show you irrational.” And then before anyone could stop him, Brendon lunged at Pete.
“Brendon!” Ryan screamed out just as Brendon’s fist met the side of Pete’s face. Pete stumbled backwards, his hand flying up to his face where Brendon had hit him. He looked up at Brendon before they both charged at each other, their arms flailing, trying to hit each other as many times as possible. Ryan stared at them in shock, then looked over to Patrick who looked just as shocked. Brendon and Pete only got in a few punches before William and Mike rushed over. William grabbed Brendon away from Pete, but Brendon quickly pulled himself out of William’s grasp and flew back at Pete who was now being held back by Mike. Pete also pulled himself away from Mike and went back to attacking Brendon.
“Brendon! Pete! Stop!” Ryan yelled, but they either didn’t hear him, or they ignored him. William made an attempt to pull Brendon off of Pete again, but didn’t manage it. Finally, Mike grabbed Pete and pulled him away from Brendon. William grabbed onto Brendon tightly so that he couldn’t escape again.
“What the hell is going on?!” William yelled. Brendon looked up at William, glaring at him. Ryan still stared at them, his hands covering his mouth, totally in shock. Pete stared at Brendon, breathing heavily and glaring, his nose dripping with blood.
“He started it,” Pete growled, then looked up at Mike angrily. “You can let go of me now,” he said. Mike did as Pete requested and loosened his grip on Pete who then pulled himself away from Mike. William let go of Brendon, as well. William looked at both Brendon and Pete and then spoke.
“So, I don’t know what the hell just went on here and frankly, I don’t care to know, but I’m sure that whatever it was, was not worth fighting over, so I’m very disappointed in both of you. Now, Mike and I have to go play a show, so this had better not happen again. So, Pete…you…go to the bathroom and take care of your nose and…Patrick, go with him. Brendon…you and Ryan go to your bus and then as soon as the show is over, I’m having a serious talk with both of you,” William said, sounding very motherly. They all looked up at him and nodded and when he left, they all did what thy were told. Patrick began to lead Pete towards the bathroom and Ryan and Brendon walked towards the backstage exit, but not before Brendon gave Pete a final, angry glare. Ryan and Brendon stepped outside and then walked to the bus in silence, both of them keeping their eyes on the ground. The stepped inside the bus and Ryan looked up at Brendon.
“Your lip is bleeding,” he said to him. Brendon reached up to touch his lip and pulled his hand away, looking at the blood that had come from his lip.
“Sit down,” Ryan said, motioning towards the bus sofa. Brendon did as he was told and sat down. Ryan walked over to the small bus fridge and opened it. He looked inside, then pulled out a bottle of water, closed the fridge, and then walked back over to Brendon.
“It’s not ice, but it works,” Ryan said, placing the bottle of water on Brendon’s bloody lip. Brendon reached up and put his hand on the bottle to hold it.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. Ryan shook his head.
“Don’t be,” he replied. Brendon looked up at him, looking sad.
“Are you mad at me for what I did?” he asked.
“Are you kidding me?!” Ryan said, suddenly smiling. “Brendon, that’s the hottest thing I have ever seen you do!” Brendon began to smile, but then stopped.
“Ow,” he said, bringing his hand up to touch where his lip was bust open.
“Stop touching it,” Ryan said, grabbing Brendon’s wrist and pulling his hand away from his mouth. “You’ll just make it worse.” Brendon smiled at him as much as he could. Ryan fell down onto the couch next to Brendon and looked at him.
“You know, as stupid as that was of you - even if it was amazingly hot, it was still pretty stupid…thank you. What you did really means a lot to me,” he said.
“Yeah, well, I’ve been wanting to kick his ass for a long time now,” Brendon said. “And if William and Mike hadn’t cut in, I /really/ would have kicked his ass!”
“I’m sure you would have,” Ryan said with a laugh.
“I would have!” Brendon said. Ryan just laughed at him.
After TAI finished their set, the tour was officially over. It wasn’t long before William pulled Brendon away to “talk to him”, but when Brendon came back, he was smiling.
“Was he mad at you?” Ryan asked. Brendon laughed.
“Not at all. Well, a little bit, I guess, but not really,” he replied.
When the time came, the bands all said goodbye to each other and prepared to go back home. When Ryan said goodbye to William, William pulled him into a tight hug and held him like that for a few seconds.
“You’ve done so much for me the past few months,” Ryan said to him. “And I have no idea how I can ever repay you.”
“Just be…careful,” William said. “And that will be enough.”
“I feel like I’m never gonna see you again,” Ryan said with a laugh. “Even though I’ll see you in like, less than a month.”
“Hell yeah! We’re going to Europe!” William exclaimed excitedly. Ryan laughed at him. Once they had all said goodbye to everyone, Panic got on their bus and began to head back home.
When they finally arrived back to Las Vegas, Ryan was once again staying with Brendon at his parents’ house. A few days after arriving home, Ryan had his appointment to be tested. The morning of his appointment, Ryan sat at the kitchen table, propping his head up with his hand, staring into space.
“Ryan, do you want something to eat?” Brendon asked him while looking through the refrigerator. Ryan looked up at him and shook his head.
“No thanks,” he said. “I don’t feel good.” Brendon looked at him.
“You should eat. Something, at least,” he said. Ryan shook his head.
“I don’t want to.”
“But you need to. When was the last time you ate? You’re too skinny, Ryan. I’m gonna make you breakfast!” Brendon said. Ryan smiled a bit, but shook his head again.
“I’m really not hungry, Brendon,” he said, but Brendon ignored him.
“So, what will it be? Pancakes? French toast? That’s about the extent of my cooking skills, so…pancakes or French toast?”
“Seriously, Brendon, I don’t - “
“Pancakes it is, then!” Brendon exclaimed, then began to rummage through the refrigerator.
“Okay, fine, I’ll eat your stupid pancakes,” Ryan said with a slight laugh. Brendon turned to look at Ryan, and angry look on his face.
“My pancakes are not stupid,” he said seriously. Ryan laughed at him and then watched him as he began to cook. When Brendon finished cooking, he set a plate of pancakes in front of Ryan, and then one in front of his spot. Ryan looked down at the plate in front of him, and then back up at Brendon.
“Brendon, there’s like…twenty pancakes here,” he said.
“Yeah, well…I never exactly learned how to make smaller portions. But it doesn’t matter. You’re too skinny anyways, so…eat!”
“You’re trying to make me fat, aren’t you?” Ryan laughed.
“Maybe,” Brendon replied with a smile.
Once they had finished breakfast, Brendon went to his room and Ryan went to the guest room that he was staying in. Ryan changed out of his pajama pants into a pair of jeans when Brendon knocked on the door, and then peered inside.
“Hey. Are you uh…ready to go?” he asked Ryan. Ryan nodded.
“Yeah. I just need to put shoes on and I’ll be ready,” he replied.
“Alright. I’ll be waiting for you in the living room,” Brendon said, then left Ryan’s room. Ryan finished getting fully dressed and then walked out of the room and then into the living room where Brendon was waiting for him. Brendon stood up and they walked outside to Brendon’s car in silence. They got in the car and set off for the doctor’s. When they got there, Brendon pulled into a parking spot and turned the car off, then looked over at Ryan who looked as though he was going to vomit.
“Are you okay?” Brendon asked him. Ryan nodded.
“Sort of. I would just…really rather not be here right now. And I really don’t want to have to do this. And I’m nervous…and scared and I don’t want to do this.”
“I don’t want you to have to do this, either. And I’m nervous and scared, too. So, let’s get this over with, shall we?” Brendon said. Ryan took in a deep breath before nodding. They got out of the car and began to walk towards the building. They walked inside and Ryan went up to the receptionist’s desk. He said a few things to her and she nodded, then handed him and clipboard with a pen and pointed towards the waiting area. Ryan turned back to Brendon and they walked to the waiting area. The waiting area was almost full and there were no chairs next to each other, so Ryan took a seat next to a lady with a screaming baby and a man who was coughing nonstop. Brendon sat down in a chair on the other side of the coughing man. Ryan looked down at the clipboard that the receptionist had given him. He picked up the pen and began to fill out the forms that were attached. When he finished filling them out, he got up and returned them to the receptionist and then went back to his seat in the waiting area. The waiting room was loud, what with screaming babies, coughing men, and other things. Ryan sank down uncomfortably in the plastic chair that he was sitting on, just wanting to get the whole ordeal over with. Finally, after what seemed like forever, a lady in a white doctor’s coat appeared by a door entering the waiting area.
“Ryan Ross,” she called out. Ryan stood up quickly and then looked at Brendon.
“Come with me,” he said to him quietly. “Please,” he added. Brendon nodded and then stood up and they walked to the door. The lady in the doctor’s coat looked them both over.
“Now, which one of you is Ryan?” she asked.
“I am,” Ryan said. The lady nodded and then looked at Brendon
“And you are…?”
“Moral support,” Brendon replied. The lady nodded again.
“Alright, Ryan and moral support, follow me, please,” she said, and then began to walk down a hallway. Ryan and Brendon followed.
“Now, according to this, you’re here for an HIV test as well as for any other sexually transmitted diseases?”
“Uh…yeah,” Ryan said, sounding uncomfortable.
“Alright. Go in here and have a seat right up there,” she said, pointing inside a small room to a long, blue, vinyl seat covered with a long sheet of paper as to keep it sanitary. Ryan did as she told him.
“Moral support, you can sit next to him, if you’d like, or you can sit in the chair over in the corner,” she said. Brendon looked to Ryan who nudged his head in the direction of the space next to him. Brendon sat down next to Ryan.
“I’m Dr. Blank, by the way. And in case you didn’t already know, it’s pretty much impossible to get an STD test at your age without getting lectured by your doctor,” she said. Ryan didn’t say anything, he just looked at her, looking very uncomfortable.
“So,” she continued, “According to your file you’re nineteen years old, correct?” she asked. Ryan nodded. “Moral support, how old are you?”
“Um, my name is Brendon. And…I’m eighteen. Almost nineteen.”
“And are you sexually active?” she asked as if it were the most normal question ever.
“Um……yeah,” Brendon replied, turning slightly pink in the face.
“Now, since you are both young and sexually active, I’m sure you know that it’s important to use precautions, and I’m sure I’m not the first one you’ve heard this from, yet, here you are, Ryan, being tested for STDs,” she said, sounding both sympathetic and strict.
“Look. I /was/ in a totally monogamous relationship - well…for /me/, anyways. I can’t really say the same about……anyways, it was totally monogamous, but then he and I broke up and then I made a huge mistake and had a one-night stand with some random dude which I totally regret and it was the first time I had ever done anything like that, and definitely the last time, too. And I’ve had the safe-sex talk before - hell, I had it with my ex-boyfriend’s parents, and frankly, I don’t need to hear it again and really, I just want to get this whole thing over with, so…do you think that we could possibly skip the lecture and just get to the…other stuff?” Ryan said. Dr. Blank shrugged.
“Well, if you insist…”
“Oh, and uh, in case you were wondering, I kicked his ex-boyfriend’s ass,” Brendon declared proudly. Ryan looked over at him. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t appropriate, was it?” he asked. Ryan just shook his head.
“Okay, well, that brings me to my next question,” Dr. Blank said. They both looked up at her. “Are you two in any way romantically involved with each other?” she asked.
“Oh, n-”
“Yeah,” Brendon cut Ryan off and then reached over to grab a hold of his hand. “Yeah, I’m his boyfriend.” Ryan turned to look Brendon in the eyes, his eyebrows raised. Brendon just smiled and squeezed Ryan’s hand.
“Okay, now, Brendon. If Ryan has the chance of STDs, might you possibly have that chance as well?”
“Oh, no! I haven’t…we haven’t…we have not slept together…yet,” Brendon stuttered out. Ryan stared down at his lap, trying to hide his smile and urge to laugh.
“Alright, what about previous partners?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, uh…I’m in a…I mean…I /was/ in a totally uh…mono-whatever that word Ryan used earlier was - relationship. And uh…it was safe and whatnot,” Brendon said, turning pink in the face again.
“Alright. Well, I will be right back with the testing equipment and then you’ll be free to go,” Dr. Blank said and then left the room, closing the door behind her. Ryan turned to face Brendon.
“So, I guess I missed when you and Audrey broke up and then when you and I started dating,” Ryan said with a laugh, and then Brendon started laughing.
“Hey, I’m just trying to make this whole situation less…blah. And make it more…entertaining?” Brendon laughed, and then the door opened again and Dr. Blank returned, holding some medical-looking things. She looked at Ryan and then explained the process to him. When she finished explaining, she unpackaged a small, sponge-looking thing with a handle and walked over to Ryan, then places it in Ryan’s mouth, between his cheek and teeth. She left it there and then walked back over to the counter where she had paperwork. She scribbled down a few things and then returned back to Ryan and pulled the sponge-thing out of his mouth.
“Alright, you’re free to go. Your appointment to get your results is in two days. So I’ll see you then,” she said. Brendon and Ryan both stood up and then they left. Once they were back in the car, Brendon began to drive back home.
“That wasn’t /that/ bad,” he said to Ryan who smiled.
“No, it wasn’t. It would have been if you hadn’t come, though,” Ryan said.
“Yeah, well, that’s what I’m here for. I mean, I /am/ your boyfriend, after all,” Brendon said. Ryan laughed.
“Oh, right, I forgot,” he laughed. “So, I guess that means you’ll be coming with me to get the results, too, right?”
“Of course. Like I would make you go alone?” Brendon replied and Ryan smiled.
“If you did, we would totally break up,” he said.
“And that would be pretty tragic considering that we haven’t even had sex yet,” Brendon laughed.
They got back to the house and two days later, they had to go back to the doctors’ office so that Ryan could get his results. They got there and went to the waiting area. It was much less crowded then it had been before, so Ryan and Brendon sat down in chairs next to each other. And then they waited. They sat in silence, impatient and uncomfortable. Every time a nurse would appear at the door to the waiting area, Ryan would sit up a bit, preparing to get up, but as soon as the nurse said someone else’s name, he would fall back into his chair.
“Okay, seriously, why is this taking so long?!” Brendon said. “I mean, they’ve already had two days, why do they have to drag this out longer than it should be?!”
“Because they’re doctors, Brendon. That’s their job,” Ryan replied.
“Yeah, well they really need to stop being so - “
“Ryan Ross?” a nurse called from the doorway. Ryan jumped up from his chair and Brendon did the same. They walked over to the nurse who looked down at the file in her hand and then at the two of them.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Results can only be given to the person tested.”
“But…but he…I can’t…I,” Ryan stuttered, not wanting to have to go alone.
“But I’m his boyfriend,” Brendon insisted. The nurse shrugged.
“I’m sorry. Those are the rules,” she said. Ryan frowned and looked to Brendon, then back at the nurse.
“Fine,” he said.
“Okay. Well…I’ll be…waiting out here, then,” Brendon said and then turned back to where he had been sitting before. The nurse led Ryan through the hallway to a small room.
“Your doctor should be in shortly,” she said to him, then left. Ryan sat down and waited, alone and wishing that Brendon was with him. Soon enough, though. Dr. Blank came into the room holding a folder - a folder which most likely held the results. Dr. Blank looked at Ryan and smiled.
“Well, hello, Ryan,” she said.
“Hi,” he said softly. She opened the folder that she was holding and looked inside of it, and then back at Ryan.
“Well, I have your results,” she said. Ryan stared intently at her, impatient for her to continue. She let out a sigh before she began to speak again.
“Your HIV test came back negative as did everything else. You’re fine, Ryan. Totally normal and totally healthy.” Ryan let out a deep sigh of relief, closing his eyes and smiling. He opened his eyes to see that Dr. Blank was smiling at him.
“Feel better now?” she asked, cheerfully.
“You have /no/ idea,” Ryan said. “I need to go tell Brendon!”
“Alright, just hold on one second,” she said, just as Ryan jumped up, getting ready to leave. He looked at her.
“You know, you got lucky this time. If the situation ever arises again, you might not be so lucky.”
“Yeah, I know,” Ryan said impatiently.
“So hopefully I won’t be seeing you back any time soon and…I can tell that you’re anxious to get back to your boyfriend and give him the news, so I’ll let you go now,” she said.
“Thank you!” Ryan said.
“Oh, and that boyfriend of yours…he’s definitely a keeper. I wish /I/ had a guy who would beat up /my/ ex-boyfriends and was that cute…” Dr. lank said, sounding slightly distant. Ryan looked at her, wanting to laugh, but not.
“Um…uh, yeah, he’s pretty great,” he said, holding back laughter.
“Okay, well, you can go now,” she said, and then Ryan left, walking back through the hallway, and then out the door to the waiting area where Brendon was sitting. He jumped up as soon as he saw Ryan [[dancing on the check-in deck with a basket of condoms, throwing them into the waiting room as if they were at a parade with Santa Clause]]. (ßthanks, Cayla and Robert. =] ) Ryan walked over to Brendon and smiled.
“Everything’s fine,” he said.
“Oh, thank god!” Brendon yelled out, and then grabbed Ryan and pulled him into a hug. Ryan laughed a bit and hugged him back.
“Oh, and according to Dr. Blank, you’re ‘a keeper’,” Ryan said. Brendon laughed as they began to walk towards the exit.

Shortly after, Panic had sound check. William offered one of his band mates to replace Ryan for the night, but Ryan made the decision to play the show himself. After they played the show, Ryan retreated back to the bus by himself with the request to be left alone. He laid in his bunk, face down in his pillow, but he wasn’t crying. He just laid there, trying to work things out in his head. He was still in total disbelief about everything that had happened. He shifted in his bunk so that he laid on his back, staring up above him. He and Pete had had sex in that bunk less than a week ago and now they were broken up. Ryan thought about Pete and how he had slept with Jeanae. He shuddered at the thought of it, but as much as he tried to forget it, the thought kept coming back. He just wanted to forget it; forget everything for a while. He sat up and then slid out of his bunk. The rest of the bus was empty since everyone else was still inside while The Academy Is played. He stepped out of the bus and then made his way over to TAI’s bus, hoping that it wasn’t locked. He pulled on the door and it opened. He stepped inside, closing the door behind him. The bus was dark, and he didn’t really know his way around their bus so he flipped open his Sidekick and used it for light. He found his way to the bunks and located William’s bunk. Thrown into his bunk were a few bags. Ryan grabbed one and unzipped it, looking inside of it, then zipping it back up, throwing it back into the bunk and grabbing another bag. He unzipped it and looked inside. Amongst the random articles of clothing thrown into the bag were also several bottles of liquor. Ryan grabbed one of the bottle out of the bag and looked at it. He wasn’t picky, considering that he had never even drank before so he didn’t have a particular taste for alcohol. He inspected a bottle of Jack Daniels and unscrewed the top. He put the bottle to his mouth and drank a bit. He swallowed half of it, then choked on it, but managed to swallow it anyways. He brought the bottle to his mouth again, hoping that the second sip would taste better than the first. It didn’t, but he drank it regardless. He continued to drink and within a few minutes, he had already begun to feel slightly light-headed. And he drank more. Eventually, he stumbled back to his bus, taking the nearly half-empty bottle with him. He threw the bottle into his own bunk and crawled into it just as he heard his band mates come into the bus. Ryan didn’t want any of them to know what he had been up to, so he pulled the covers up to his chin and pretended to sleep just as Brendon and Spencer came into the bunk area. They both were silent for a while and then Brendon spoke softly.
“Ryan, are you awake?” he asked. Ryan didn’t answer, even though he was. Brendon sighed and began to talk again, this time to Spencer.
“I hate Pete for what he did to him,” he said.
“So do I. I really hate seeing him like this.”
“And I don’t understand /why/ Pete would do that! I mean, he’s so stupid! He’s an asshole!” Brendon said. Spencer laughed softly.
“Says you, who was totally against their relationship in the beginning,” Spencer said.
“Well, yeah, in the beginning. But then I saw how happy they were and how happy Ryan was and how happy Pete made him. And they were like the perfect couple and they were so in love. And then Pete had to go and fuck everything up and break Ryan’s heart!” Brendon said, getting worked up.
“I agree,” Spencer said. “Pete really fucked up with this one. Things are going to be different between everyone now.”
“I’m not talking to him. He’s an asshole and he doesn’t deserve to have any friends,” Brendon said stubbornly. “And if I do decide to talk to him, it will only be to kick his ass. Because /nobody/ can hurt my best friend and get away with it!”
Ryan listened to him and felt tears coming to his eyes. He wanted to jump out of his bunk and hug Brendon, but he held back and continued to pretend to sleep. Eventually, Ryan did fall asleep and when he woke up the next morning, they had already reached that night’s venue. He sat up in his bunk but then immediately laid back down. He had a headache and he felt nauseous. He closed his eyes, trying to remember how much he had drank the night before. As far as he could remember, it wasn’t that much. He sat up again and looked towards the end of his bunk where the bottle of alcohol laid and it was almost half empty. Ryan shook his head in disbelief that he had drank that much. He got out of his bunk with the intention of finding something to make his headache go away. When he walked out of the bunk area, he was met by Brendon.
“Hey!” Brendon said, putting down his Sidekick. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” Ryan said with a small smile. “I have a really bad headache, though.” Brendon jumped up from the couch.
“Here, let me get you something,” he said, going away from Ryan for a second, then returning with two small pills which he handed to Ryan. Ryan took them, and Brendon went away again and got Ryan a bottle of water.
“Thanks,” Ryan said, swallowing down the pills. “But you don’t have to be so nice to me, you know. I’m not dying.”
“I know, but…I want to be nice to you. I,…I don’t really know what else to do,” Brendon said. Ryan sighed.
“Yeah, I know,” he said.
The rest of the day, everyone else treated Ryan basically the same way as Brendon had. Ryan knew it was because they didn’t know how else to act around him, and it bothered him but he didn’t say anything. After their show that night, Ryan went back to the bus alone and went straight to his bunk and found the bottle of Jack Daniels. He unscrewed the cap and gulped down the alcohol. It was just as horrible as it had been the night before but he drank it anyways. It wasn’t long until the bottle was empty. He dropped it into his bunk, then he left the bus and went back into the venue. Once inside, he saw Brendon and he went over to him.
“Thank you, Brendon,” he said to him. Brendon looked to him and raised an eyebrow.
“For what?” he asked.
“For what you said last night. When you thought I was sleeping. I wasn’t sleeping. And I heard you. And I wanted to thank you,” he said and then hugged Brendon tightly.
“Oh. Uh…you’re welcome. I guess,” Brendon said, hugging Ryan back. “Are you okay, Ryan?”
“Me? Okay? I’m great!” Ryan said, pulling out of Brendon’s hug. “I’ve never been better!” Brendon gave him an odd look. Ryan just smiled. “Oh, look! There’s William! I’ll see you later, Brendon,” he said and then left Brendon and went over to William.
“William!” he yelled out. William saw him and smiled.
“Hey, Ryan. How are you?” he asked.
“I’m great!” Ryan exclaimed. William raised his eyebrows.
“Oh, well, that’s good…,” he said.
“You know, William, I /really/ respect you!” Ryan said.
“Oh, uh…thanks, Ryan.”
“You know why? Because…even though you knew that my relationship with…you know, that /one/ guy, I don’t want to say his name but /you/ know who I’m talking about! But you knew that our relationship was gonna end and you knew why but you didn’t tell me! Because! Because you are a GOOD person and you didn’t want to disrespect that OTHER dude because you’re a good person! Even though you /knew/ that he was an asshole, but you were still a good person and…you get what I’m saying?!” Ryan said very loudly, his speech mildly slurred. William stared at him, not sure what to say.
“Ryan - “ he started.
“And you know!” Ryan cut in. “Some people…they would consider that…not very nice. Some people probably would think that you SHOULD have told me. But me? No, I think that you not telling me was the right thing to do and I respect it!” William stared at him some more and then spoke.
“Ryan…are you…drunk?” he asked. Ryan laughed.
“That would make sense, wouldn’t it? Or would it?! Maybe it wouldn’t, would it?”
“Ryan…let’s go somewhere else,” William said.
“Why?! Why can’t we just stay here, William?”
“Because you’re drunk and you’re making a fool out of yourself,” he replied softly. Ryan laughed.
“So what?! I’m a little bit drunk but it’s not like it’s /that/ big of a deal. In fact, I think everyone should get a little bit drunk and then maybe they’ll all stop acting so goddamn WEIRD around me!” Ryan yelled. The other people around them all turned to look at them with curious looks. Brendon shot William a worried look, but William just shook his head.
“Ryan…come on, let’s go somewhere else,” William said, grabbing Ryan by the elbow and beginning to turn him towards the door.
“I don’t WANT to!” Ryan yelled. William sighed.
“Fine,” he said, then leaned down and grabbed Ryan by the legs and picked him up, his body slung over his shoulders.
“William! What the fuck are you - wow, you’re really strong,” Ryan said.
“You’re really light,” William said, beginning to walk towards the backstage exit, despite all the odd stares everyone was giving them.
“William, please put me down!” Ryan said. “This is /so/ embarrassing!”
“You’d probably be more embarrassed staying in there,” William said calmly.
“Put me down!” Ryan yelled.
“No,” William said.
“Fine. I’ll just puke all over you,” Ryan said.
“It won’t be the first time I’ve been thrown up on,” he said, still in a calm voice even though Ryan was struggling to get out of his grasp.
“William! Why are you doing this?!”
“Because you wouldn’t come willingly,” he said, walking out of the backstage exit and finally setting Ryan back on his feet on the ground. Ryan glared at William.
“That was totally uncalled for,” he said angrily. William shook his head.
“No. What’s uncalled for is that you are obviously drinking in order to forget your problems.”
“How do you know?!” Ryan yelled.
“Because you’ve never drank before in your entire life,” William replied simply.
“So? That doesn’t mean that I’m drinking to…whatever it was that you said before.”
“No, but that seems like the most reasonable explanation. Because this isn’t you, Ryan.”
“Then what /is/ me, William?!” Ryan demanded.
“I don’t know, but it’s not this.”
“Yeah, I don’ know, either! I thought I did, though. Before it was /easy/. Before I was Ryan, Pete’s boyfriend. But now I’m not and now that’s over and I don’t KNOW who or what I am or what is and isn’t ‘me’ and everything that made sense before doesn’t and I don’t know what else to do, William!” Ryan said, his angry, drunken tone now replaced with a sad, desperate, drunken tone. William sighed.
“So drinking makes sense now?” William asked.
“Yeah, it does. Because you’re right. It does help me to forget all of the shit for a while.”
“Look. I understand that you’re going through a really hard time right now and I can understand why drinking seems like the best thing to do, and for some people, it is. But not you, Ryan! I always saw you as such a strong person but here you are, drunk off your ass and now I don’t even know what to think of you. If you’re gonna let Pete ruin your life because of what happened, then you’re nowhere near as strong as I though you were,” William said.
“I’m not ruining my life. It’s just a few drinks. It’s only been two days.”
“And if you continue, tomorrow will be three days, and then four days, and then before you know it, drinking will be all you do and you’re better than that, Ryan. I don’t want you to fall into that trap,” William said.
“You drink,” Ryan said accusingly.
“Yeah, I know. And I guess I am being a little bit hypocritical by saying all of this to you, but still, what you’re doing is different from what I do. You’re trying to drink away your problems.”
“Well, I don’t know what else to do, William!” Ryan yelled.
“And that’s fine! Not knowing what to do is totally normal when you just broke up with someone you love, but Ryan, you can’t do /this/,” William said.
“Why not?!”
“Because, Ryan……,” William said. “Look…your father is an alcoholic. Do you want to end up like he is?”
“…No.”
“Exactly. So don’t let it go any farther. Do you get what I’m saying?” William said, staring intently at Ryan. Ryan was silent as he thought
“…Yeah,” he finally said. “Yeah, I get it.”
“So are you going to stop drinking?”
“I don’t know,” Ryan said.
“Ryan,” William said, sharply. Ryan rolled his eyes.
“Yes, William, I’ll stop drinking!” he said. William smiled.
“Good.”
“Are you mad at me?” Ryan asked, looking up at William with sad eyes.
“No, Ryan, why would I be mad at you?”
“Because I stole your alcohol,” Ryan said. William smiled and let out a small laugh.
“No, Ryan, I’m not mad about that,” he said, wrapping his arm around Ryan’s shoulders. “Come on, let’s get you back to your us before you do anything you regret,” he said, and began to lead Ryan towards his bus.
“I don’t feel good,” Ryan said, stopping. William looked at him, then changed directions and began to walk him towards the edge of the sidewalk, and almost as soon as they reached it, Ryan leaned over and threw up into the grass. As soon as he had vomited, he coughed several times before puking again. He fell down into a kneeling position and continued to vomit into the grass. William knelt down next to him, comforting him and occasionally pulling Ryan’s hair out of his face. Once Ryan had totally finished puking, he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his jacked and looked up to William.
“I’m never drinking again. For sure,” he said. William smiled and chuckled.
“I’m glad to hear that, Ry,” he said. “Are you ready to go to your bus now?” he asked. Ryan nodded. William stood up and then helped Ryan to his feet. Ryan was shaky and he latched onto William’s arm as to keep him from falling down again.
“Are you okay?” William asked. Ryan nodded again. “Can you walk?” he asked him. Ryan began to nod, but then shook his head. “Do you need me to carry you?” William asked and Ryan nodded. William leaned down and scooped Ryan up in his arms, one arm under his knees and the other around his back. Ryan wrapped his arms around William’s neck and rested his head face down on his shoulder. William walked carefully to Panic’s bus, carrying Ryan, and when he got there, he shifted Ryan slightly so that he could open the bus door. He stepped slowly into the us and then walked sideways to the bunk area as to not hit Ryan on anything. He found Ryan’s bunk and gently laid him in it. Ryan appeared to have passed out on the way to the bus, so William leaned down and pulled off his shoes for him, then adjusted him in the bunk on his side, pulling the blankets up to cover him. William turned to leave the bus, but just as he did, Ryan spoke.
“William?” he called out through the silence. William turned back to look at him.
“Hm?”
“Please don’t leave me,” he said softly. William sighed and then walked back to Ryan’s bunk and sat down on the floor next to it.
“Okay,” he said. “I won’t leave you.” Ryan reached out and grabbed William’s hand and held onto it.
“William?” he said again.
“Hm?”
“…I love you,” Ryan said.
“I love you, too, Ry,” William answered softly.
Ryan didn’t say anything else after that, so William assumed that he had either fallen asleep or passed out for good, but he didn’t leave. He stayed by Ryan’s bunk and when the rest of Panic came into the bus and gave him questioning looks, he told them that he would explain in the morning. Eventually, William fell asleep as well, sitting on the floor and resting his head on Ryan’s bunk, still holding onto Ryan’s hand. When he woke up the next morning, Ryan was still sleeping and the bus was driving towards the next venue. William gently pulled his hand out of Ryan’s and stood up.
“William!” someone whispered behind him. He turned around and saw that Brendon was climbing out of his bunk.
“Oh, hey,” he said to him. Brendon looked towards Ryan in his bunk and then at William. William sighed, knowing what Brendon wanted to know. William nudged his had towards the bunk area’s exit and then they silently walked out.
“So…what happened?” Brendon asked.
“Ryan was drunk off his ass last night,” William said. Brendon looked at him in shock.
“/Ryan/?! Drunk?!” he gasped. William nodded.
“Yeah. It…wasn’t good.”
“But…why?! Well, I mean, I guess I know /why/, but…that’s so…not like him!”
“Yeah, that’s what I said. But don’t worry, I’m pretty sure that he won’t do it again. He was…really sick last night,” William said. Brendon shook his head in disbelief.
“God, I /hate/ Pete!” Brendon yelled out. William sighed.
“Right now, I feel the same way,” he said.
A couple hours later, Ryan woke up. He walked out of the bunk area and upon seeing the look of pain on his face, William jumped up to find him some form of medication. Ryan fell down onto the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. William handed him some pills and a cup of water.
“William…what are you doing here?” he asked. William smiled.
“You told me not to leave you. So I didn’t.”
“I did?”
“Yeah, you did.”
“Oh. The last thing I remember is puking in the grass…,” he said, and looked down at his knees. “I’m sorry,” he said. “About everything that happened last night.:
“It’s okay, Ryan,” William said softly.
“And thank you. For…talking to me…and then everything else you did. And for staying with me all night.” William smiled at him.
“You’re welcome,” he said. Ryan groaned, pulling his knees closer to his body and squeezing his eyes shut tight.
“Oh my god. I feel so…/disgusting/,” he groaned.
“Welcome to the world of hangovers, Ryan Ross,” William said with a laugh. Ryan looked up at him with a glare.
“It’s not funny,” he said.
“Well, actually, it kind of is,” William said, smiling. Ryan raised his eyebrows.
“How?”
“Because, Ryan…you were /so/ wasted. You threatened to puke on me!” William laughed and Ryan could help but laugh as well.
“Yeah, well, you carried me out over you shoulder!”
“I had to carry you back to the bus, too,” William said.
“I’m never, /ever/ drinking again. I promise,” Ryan said, suddenly serious.
“Good,” William said.
Not long after, William had to return to his own bus and Ryan returned to his bunk and just laid there. He thought about the night before and more importantly, William. He had told him that he didn’t remember anything past puking in the grass, but it wasn’t entirely true. He vaguely remembered William carrying back to the bus and how his arms wrapped around his body so carefully. He felt safe when William had been holding him. And along with that, he also remembered telling William that he loved him. At the time, it had obviously been the alcohol talking, but as Ryan thought about it more, he realized that it was true. At least for the moment, Ryan had very strong feeling towards William, much more than platonic.
Ryan didn’t get over his hangover until the following day. The next few days passed and soon things began to get back to normal and the people around him began to treat Ryan the same as they always had. Ryan began to feel somewhat better about his and Pete’s breakup, especially as his feelings for William grew. He didn’t mention anything to anyone about how he felt about him and he tried to forget it, especially since William had a girlfriend, but it was hard.
Nearly two weeks had passed and the tour was more than halfway over. Ryan woke up in his bunk abruptly after having had a dream involving Pete. He sat up, a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. He looked around, seeing that they were already at the next venue, but the rest of the band was still asleep. He walked out of the bunk area, thinking over his dream. In his dream, he and Pete were still together. He didn’t remember much else, but that part stood out. And that was the part that was making him feel so uneasy. Because it was the first time in weeks that Ryan realized how much he missed Pete. And then all of his previous emotions came rushing back to him. He fell onto the couch and buried his face in his hands. The feeling of wanting to forget everything was coming back. He stood up from the couch and went back to his bunk and quickly changed into jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed a jacket and then made his way out of the bus. He walked along the empty sidewalk, looking at all of the random buildings that were still closed. It must have been earlier than he thought it was. He had hoped that walking around would clear his head, but it was really only making him think more. He walked for a while more before he stopped at a door of a building. It was the only place open around the entire place at the time. There was chipped white paint on the door that read: “BAR. Open 24 hours”. Ryan looked around and then back at the door. Inside, there were only three people; a bartender and two people sitting at the bar. Ryan considered going inside. It was a bar which served alcohol but Ryan didn’t want to drink anyways. Besides, he was just walking around outside as it was. Going inside would do absolutely no harm. Ryan opened the door and stepped inside. Three pairs of eyes turned to look at him. Ryan looked towards the floor, almost immediately regretting his decision to come in. It smelled strongly of alcohol and sweat and it was quiet. The only noise was the soft murmur of some classic rock song on the radio and the clanking of bottles and glasses on the bar. Ryan looked up from the ground to see that all three of the men were still staring at him. The bartender finally looked away from him and then turned to say something to one of the guys sitting at the bar. The guy turned and nodded to the bartender with a laugh. Ryan walked towards the end of the bar. There were no other places to sit other than at the bar, so Ryan took a seat at the end. He suddenly wished that he was back outside just walking around. The bartender walked over to where Ryan was sitting.
“What can I get for you?” he asked in a deep voice. Ryan looked up at him.
“Oh, um-”
“Let me take care of this one, Eddie,” a voice next to Ryan said. Ryan looked towards him - it was the man that the bartender had been talking to before. He looked at Ryan.
“So, what can I get for you?” he said. “Assuming that you drink this early, of course.”
“Um…I uh…I actually didn’t plan on-”
“So you’re gonna come in here and then not even let me buy you a drink?” the man said, leaning in closer to Ryan’s face. “Just one…” he said. Ryan stared at him, almost unable to look away, then he nodded.
“Alright,” he said, without even thinking. The man turned back to look at the bartender, then put two fingers up. The bartender nodded and grabbed two glasses from under the bar.
“So, are you from around here? I’ve never seen you before,” the man said, turning back to face Ryan. Ryan shook his head.
“No, I’m uh, playing a show at the club down the road tonight,” he replied just as the bartender placed two glasses full of some liquor in front of them. The man nodded and brought his glass to his mouth. Ryan did the same. He took a sip of it and fought not to choke on it. Whatever it was, was extremely strong.
“So, what? Are you in some type of and or something?” the man asked. Ryan nodded and took another sip of the drink.
“That’s really cool. It’s not often that we get people of your type in here,” he said. Ryan raised an eyebrow.
“What do you mean?” he asked. The man smiled.
“High class. Good looking,” he said. Ryan looked down at the bar and smiled, blushing a bit.
“I’m sorry. You’re probably not used to getting hit on in bars, are you? Hell, you don’t even look like you’ve ever stepped foot in a bar before,” he said. Ryan just smiled.
“Well…you actually are right about that,” he said.
“So do you have a boyfriend?” the man asked. Ryan smiled again.
“No, I don’t. But…how do you even know I’m gay?” Ryan asked, sounding amused. The man laughed.
“Are you kidding me?” he laughed. Ryan opened his mouth slightly, looking playfully shocked with a smile.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked. The man just laughed some more. They continued to talk and soon enough, Ryan had finished his glass of whatever alcohol was in it. The man called out for the bartender and requested another drink for both him and Ryan. The first drink had already begun to effect Ryan, so he didn’t even think to refuse the second. And then the man was interlocking his fingers with Ryan’s and they were walking towards the exit of the bar. Once outside, the man led Ryan to an old, beat-up car and before he knew it, Ryan was on his back in the backseat and the man was on top of him and they were kissing, breathing heavily. The man ran his hands under Ryan’s shirt, pulling it up and then off of him, then he removed his own shirt. Ryan unbuttoned his pants and the man hovered above him as Ryan pulled his pants down. He kicked his pants the rest of the way off and then unbuttoned the man’s pants as he rested his mouth on Ryan’s shoulder. The man pulled his pants off, kissing Ryan and adjusting himself above him. He pushed himself into Ryan and Ryan breathed in sharply. The man grabbed Ryan by the hips before pulling out a bit and then thrusting himself back in. Ryan squirmed beneath him, grabbing onto his shoulders, moaning loudly. The man continued to thrust in and out of him as he closed his eyes, biting down on his lip, arching his back slightly. The man still held onto Ryan’s hips, their skin now slippery with sweat. Ryan grabbed onto the car seat that he was laying on, squeezing it tightly and thrusting his hips, pushing the man farther into him. Ryan opened his eyes and looked up at the man hovering above him and then he realized that he didn’t even know anything about him. He didn’t even know his name. But here he was having sex with him in the backseat of his car. He was drunk, but he wasn’t too drunk to know that was he was doing was wrong. He suddenly wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible. He squeezed his eyes shut again, feeling the urge to cry. The man finished with several loud moans and then finally, it was over. He collapsed on top of Ryan and they laid there in the back seat for a few minutes, neither of them saying anything. Ryan looked at him, feeling total regret for everything that he had just done. Finally, the man sat up, grabbing his pants from the floor of the car. He didn’t say anything as he began to redress. Ryan followed, also sitting up and beginning to redress. The put their clothes back on in silence and when they were both dressed, the man turned back to face Ryan.
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name,” he said.
“I never told you my name,” Ryan replied softly.
“Oh. Well then, what is it?”
“…Ryan,” he said. The man nodded.
“Well, Ryan, if you ever come back to this area, you know where to find me,” he said, and then opened the car door, stepping outside. Ryan did the same. And then the man began to walk off without another word. Ryan watched him leave, feeling sick about everything that had just happened. And then the man was gone and Ryan was still standing there, not sure of what to do or even where he was exactly. He pulled out his Sidekick and looked at the time. It was already noon and he had eight missed calls from the past few hours. He looked at his call log. Six of the missed calls were Brendon and then other two were William. And then Ryan felt a million times worse. He had left the bus without telling anyone and then got caught up with a guy that he didn’t even know while his friends were probably wondering where the hell he was at. Not only that, but he had promised William that he wouldn’t drink again, but here he was, so drunk that he had just slept with a dude whose name he didn’t even know. He began to walk back to where he thought the buses were, even though he didn’t want to. He knew that as soon as he got there, things would probably be even worse and he would have a lot of explaining to do. The sick feeling that he had intensified as he approached the uses.
“Ryan! Where have you been?!” a voice called out from not too far away. Ryan looked up from the ground to see that Brendon was walking quickly towards him.
“I uh…I went for a walk,” Ryan said softly.
“For the past five hours?!”
“Well…it started out as a walk,” he said. Brendon raised his eyebrows. “It’s not important,” Ryan said quickly, trying to avoid any further questioning, then began to walk away from Brendon. But Brendon caught up with him and began to walk alongside him.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone? We were worried about you!” he said.
“Well, I’m here now and I’m fine so it’s not a big deal,” Ryan said, sounding aggravated.
“Okay. If it bothers you that much, then I’ll just leave you alone,” Brendon said, sounding mildly offended. Ryan continued to walk, alone now, until he saw William, mingling with Adam and The Butcher. Ryan walked up to them and they all turned to look at him.
“Ryan! Where were you?” William said. Ryan looked to Adam and The Butcher, then back at William.
“I have to talk to you,” he said. William looked at Adam and The Butcher and shrugged, then looked back at Ryan.
“Okay,” he said and then Ryan grabbed him by the wrist and led him towards a secluded area.
“Ryan, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” he asked, worried.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” Ryan pleaded.
“Why would I be mad at you? What’s wrong?”
“Because I told you that I wouldn’t and I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t my intentions at all but for some reason, I didn’t say no and then it just went from there and I didn’t stop even though I knew I shouldn’t have even started and it was a mistake going in there in the first place and I shouldn’t have let him buy it for me and I shouldn’t have let him talk to me and I shouldn’t have let him do anything that he did even though at the time I wanted it too, but I didn’t know any better because I was drunk and - “
“You were drunk?” William cut in. Ryan nodded, looking at William sadly.
“And I probably still am but I don’t know and I feel horrible and not just because of what happened, but more so because I told you that I wouldn’t drink anymore.”
“Then why did you?” William asked. Ryan shrugged.
“I don’t know. Because I couldn’t say no. I was going to, though!”
“Couldn’t say no to what? Ryan, I don’t even know what’s going on. Is that where you were the whole time? Out getting wasted?!” William said, beginning to sound angry.
“No! That wasn’t how it started, anyways! I just went for a walk and then I ended up in a bar and then I accidentally got drunk.”
“Accidentally?! Ryan, how do you /accidentally/ get drunk?!”
“I didn’t mean to drink! I didn’t intend on drinking!”
“Then why did you?!”
“Because I……because I was offered a drink. And I was going to say no, and I even started to say no, but then,…then I didn’t,” Ryan said.
“Offered a drink by why?”
“A…….a guy,” Ryan said, looking towards the ground, feeling sick.
“A guy,” William repeated. Ryan nodded and William sighed. “So you got drunk because a guy offered you a drink,” he said and Ryan nodded again.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said. William shook his head.
“So are you gonna get drunk every time a guy offers you a drink?”
“No! Believe me, William, I regret doing it this once and I don’t ever want anything that just happened to ever happen again and if I could take the past few hours back, believe me, I would, because I’ve never regretted anything more than I do right now and I feel sick just thinking about it,” Ryan said.
“Ryan…from the way you’re reacting, I’m thinking that you didn’t /just/ get drunk,” William said. Ryan looked up to him, his eyes quickly beginning to fill with tears.
“I didn’t even know his name, William! I didn’t know anything about him! But at the time, it didn’t even seem to matter and it wasn’t even until it was basically done that I realized how wrong it was and I’m a slut, William!” Ryan wailed, a few tears running down his cheeks. William stared at him, obviously unsure of what to say.
‘You’re not a slut, Ryan,” he finally said. Ryan shook his head.
“Yes I am! I got picked up in a bar and then had sex with a random dude in the backseat of his car. And he wasn’t even that good-looking! And the sex wasn’t even good and it wasn’t even a nice car! So not only am I a slut, but I’m trashy, too!”
“Ryan, stop putting yourself down. You made a mistake, but there’s nothing you can do about it now,” William said, sounding as though he was angry. Ryan looked up at him, sensing the anger in his voice.
“You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” he asked. William shook his head.
“Not mad. Disappointed. You’re going downhill, Ryan. You’re making stupid decisions and you’re so much better than that. And for a while, I’d been putting the blame on Pete for making you act that way, but now I’m seeing that it’s you.”
“But I didn’t mean to, William! I didn’t have the intentions of a one-night stand when I went out this morning.”
“That doesn’t matter. You still did it, regardless of whether or not you intended on it. You didn’t have to sleep with him. And you didn’t have to drink and break your promise to me.”
“I’m sorry, William! Believe me, I regret it! I wish I could take it back but I can’t!” Ryan said. William just shook his head.
“Please don’t do anything stupid anymore, Ryan. I care about you way too much to see you hurt,” he said.
“I won’t. I don’t want anything like today to ever happen again,” Ryan said.
“Um, you might want to tell Brendon what happened. He was really worried about you, you know,” William said. Ryan sighed.
“Yeah, I kind of blew him off earlier and I feel bad about that.”
“Well, just make sure you talk to him,” William said and Ryan nodded.
“I will,” he said.
“So, is this all that we needed to talk about?” William asked. Ryan began to nod, but then shook his head. William raised an eyebrow. “What else?” he asked.
“Um…oh, never mind. It’s not important,” Ryan said, shaking his head.
“Are you sure?” William asked.
“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s not important,” Ryan said. William shrugged.
“Alright,” he said.
After they had finished talking, William went back to his band and Ryan sought out Brendon. When he found him, he apologized for blowing him off earlier, and then explained to him what had happened. Brendon sat there and listened to him talk, not saying a word, his facial expression something along the lines of shock and worry. When Ryan finished talking, he looked up at Brendon who took a deep breath before speaking.
“So…basically, the asshole got you drunk and then took advantage of you?” Brendon said accusingly.
“Well…I guess you /could/ say that. But I let him…” Ryan replied.
“Well that doesn’t matter! You were drunk! He shouldn’t have had sex with you, whether or not you let him or wanted him to or whatever! He totally took advantage of you, Ryan!” Brendon said. Ryan looked to the ground and stayed quiet for a while.
“There’s something else, too,” he finally said. “And I didn’t even tell William and it’s probably the part about what happened that I regret the most.” Brendon looked at him, looking worried. Ryan took a deep breath before continuing.
“When I…had sex with him…he didn’t use a condom,” Ryan said. And before Brendon could say anything, Ryan continued to talk. “And I could just be totally overreacting, I mean, he could be perfectly normal and have absolutely nothing wrong with him, but I know absolutely nothing about him and he could easily be the biggest whore and the king of unprotected one night stands and that’s what worries me because, I mean, what if he gave me something? Like, even if it’s nothing /that/ harmful, it’s still something and now I’m all worried about it even though I don’t even /know/ if it’s anything and I probably don’t but there’s still the possibility of it,” Ryan said, talking fast and sounding as though he were about to cry. Just as he was getting ready to start talking again, Brendon reached out and took a hole of his hand.
“Ryan, it’s okay, calm down. He may have given you something or he may not have. You can get tested and if you have something, then we can deal with it from there. And if he did give you something, then I will hunt him down and I will kill him,” Brendon said in a calm voice. Ryan smiled slightly and looked down at Brendon’s hand which was holding onto his own.
“And don’t worry,” Brendon said. “I’ll go with you and if everything is fine, then nobody will ever have to know about it other than us.” Ryan smiled a bit more, then looked up to Brendon’s face.
“Thank you,” he said in barely a whisper. Brendon responded by pulling Ryan to him and hugging him tightly.

A couple days had passed and Ryan hadn’t talked to Pete at all since their argument, not even so much as an IM, which put Ryan in an upset mood. It wasn’t until about a week later that Ryan finally heard from Pete.

brokehalo7: hi.
i amclandestine: hi.
Brokehalo7: I haven’t talked to you in a while
i amclandestine: yeah, I know. What’s up?
Brokehalo7: not much. I miss you =[
i amclandestine: you do?
Brokehalo7: yeah, I do. A lot.
i amclandestine: you should come visit again. When you’re not busy
Brokehalo7: I plan on it. And im sorry about…my last visit.
i amclandestine: yeah, me too.
Brokehalo7: I’ll make it up to you next time. I promise =]
i amclandestine: hah, okay.

They talked for a while more until Ryan had to go to sound check. The conversation left Ryan feeling only slightly better about the situation. For some reason, he just couldn’t shake the bad feelings that he had.
Pete came to visit two days later. Nearly as soon as he got there, he grabbed Ryan into Panic’s empty bus and immediately stripped him of his clothing. After engaging in sexual activity, they laid in Ryan’s bunk.
“I missed this,” Pete said.
“Missed what?”
“Bunk sex,” Pete said. Ryan giggled and pulled Pete’s face towards his own.
“I miss you too much when you aren’t here,” Ryan whispered into Pete’s ear. Pete just smiled and kissed Ryan.
Later, the show started and then Panic performed their set. Towards the end of the show, Ryan looked over and noticed that Pete had left the side of the stage. After their set, Ryan went backstage. The backstage area was busy and Ryan glanced around for Pete, but didn’t see him, so he headed towards the dressing room so that he could change his clothes. When he got there he noticed that the door to TAI’s dressing room was opened slightly. He didn’t think anything of it until he say Pete inside. He stopped for a second and debated with himself on whether to listen in or not. He shook his head, telling himself that he trusted Pete, then proceeded into his own band’s dressing room. He tore off his vest and threw it to the floor. Then he sighed and began to walk very quickly out of the room. Once out, he walked across the hallway to TAI’s dressing room and stood behind the door, out of sight, and listened.
“Well, I don’t know if I have any advice to give you. I’ve never been in that type of situation,” William said.
“Yeah, I know,” Pete sighed. “But I just really needed to talk to someone and, you know, get it off my chest or whatever. And you’re a really good listener.”
“Well, thanks,” William said with a laugh. Pete sighed again.
“I just really don’t know what to do. I mean, mainly about Ryan.”
“Well, you love him, right?” William asked.
“Yeah.”
“Then that’s really all that matters.”
“But what if he finds out?” Pete said.
“Well…that, I don’t know. And that, I can’t offer any advice about.”
Just then, Brendon and Spencer came walking towards the dressing rooms, making a lot of noise. Not wanting to look as though he had been eavesdropping, Ryan quickly walked back to Panic’s dressing room before Brendon or Spencer noticed him. Once Brendon and Spencer were in the dressing room, Ryan looked out of the door towards TAI’s room and noticed that the door had been shut completely. Ryan sighed and turned back into the dressing room to change out of his stage clothes, blinking back tears - mainly out of anger for whatever it was that Pete wasn’t telling him, even though he didn’t know what it was. But judging on what he had overheard, it couldn’t be good. Ryan didn’t talk or make any eye contact with any of his band mates the entire time he was in the dressing room, constantly wiping away any trace of tears from his face. He changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and then left the dressing room, not saying anything to anyone. As soon as he walked out of the door, he saw Pete coming out of TAI’s room. Pete say Ryan, smiled, and headed towards him.
“Hey,” he called out. Ryan put on a fake smile and responded to Pete by giving him a kiss. Pete wrapped his arm around Ryan’s waist and they walked together out to the general backstage area.
“You guys did great tonight,” Pete said as they sat down on a couch.
“Thanks,” Ryan said softly with a smile.
“Are you okay?” Pete asked, looking concerned. Ryan thought for a second, debating on whether or not he should ask about what he had overheard, but decided against it.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he lied with a nod, faking a smile even more.
Right then, The Academy Is came out of their dressing room, ready to go onstage and perform. Walking by, William looked over at Ryan and Pete, a blank expression on his face. Then he looked to Ryan. They made very brief eye contact before Ryan looked away, forcing back tears. Once he had regained himself, Ryan looked to Pete and smiled.
“Let’s go watch their set,” Ryan said, standing up and grabbing Pete by the hand.
Pete left that night shortly before the buses left the venue for the next city. Back in his bunk, Ryan laid face down into his pillow, crying silently and trying to work things out in his head. What was Pete keeping from him that he so desperately didn’t want him to find out?
The next morning, Ryan had barely slept and as soon as the buses got to the venue, he got up and out of his bunk and out of the bus. He stepped outside, pulling his hoodie closer to his body. He walked around the venue aimlessly before he made up his mind on what to do. He made his way back over to where the buses were parked and then pulled his Sidekick out of his pocket and speed-dialed William’s number. He put the Sidekick to his ear and waited. It rang several times before going to voicemail. Ryan hung up and tried again. The same thing happened. He sighed and waited a minute, debating if he should try again. He did. This time, it rang a few times, then the ringing was cut off by Adam’s voice.
“William, would you answer your god damn phone? It’s been ringing for like, the past hour!” he yelled. “Here. I think I answered it, I don’t know,” he said and then there was a lot of rustling.
“Hello?” William said, sounding half asleep.
“Hey. It’s Ryan,” Ryan said, feeling slightly bad for having woken him up. William yawned loudly on the other end.
“Ryan? Hey, what’s up?” He said, yawning his words.
“Um. Do you think that I could…talk to you?”
“Yeah, sure. Of course,” William said.
“Um. Outside? Like, in person?”
“Oh. Yeah. Sure. Okay, where are you right now?”
“Outside of you bus,” Ryan said.
“Okay, hold on. I’ll be right there,” William said, and then hung up. About a minute later, William came out of the bus wearing pajama pants and pulling a t-shirt over his body.
“Hey,” he said to Ryan when he saw him. “So, what’s up?”
“Um. I uh…I really don’t know how to come out and just day this because I think that it’ll make me sound really bad and probably really nosy because I could have easily not have listened and just ignored it but I couldn’t even though I could have and I almost did but then I went back and now I can’t get what I heard out of my head and I don’t know what it’s about and I know that I’m not supposed to know what it’s about because obviously he doesn’t want me to find out what it’s about and I only heard certain parts but from what I heard it didn’t sound good and whatever it is, he’s keeping It from me and - “
“Hold on, Ryan, slow down,” William said, placing a hand on Ryan’s shoulder as to stop him from her nervous pacing. “What did you hear?”
“You…and Pete. Talking. Last night in your dressing room,” he said. And immediately, William’s face fell.
“Um. Let’s sit,” William said, leading Ryan towards the curb and sitting down, then he turned to face Ryan. “How much of the conversation did you hear?”
“Enough to know that Pete is keeping something from me, but not enough to know what, exactly,” Ryan said, sounding as though he were about to cry. William sighed.
“And you want to know what it’s about, right?” he asked. Ryan just nodded. William looked towards the ground and then back up at Ryan, not saying anything. Ryan bit down on his lip and a tear fell from his eye and onto his cheek.
“I’m putting you right in the middle of everything, aren’t I?” Ryan asked. William nodded, then wrapped his arm around Ryan’s shoulders comfortingly.
“Look…I would tell you, because you really deserve to know and you’re one of my best friends…”
“But…” Ryan said.
“/But/…I made a promise to Pete. And he’s one of my best friends, too. So telling you would be a total betrayal to a promise that I made to one of my best friends. And I…I just can’t do that,” William said.
“I…I understand,” Ryan said.
“Plus…I don’t want you to be the one you find out from,” William said softly, looking to the ground again. Ryan looked up at him and several tears fell from his face.
“This is killing me,” Ryan whispered. William sighed.
“Believe me, knowing and not being able to tell you and then seeing you like this is killing me, too.”
“I don’t know what to do, William,” Ryan said.
“I think the best thing for you to do would be to talk to him.”
“But…I can’t. I can’t tell him that I listened to you guys and even if I do, if I ask him about it, he’ll know that I don’t trust him and I don’t want to have that argument again,” Ryan said sadly.
“Ryan, I don’t think trust is the issue here. Look, you obviously know something is up and even if I didn’t know what it was, I would still say that you have the right to know. And even though Pete has the right to not want you to know, you should. So what I think you should do…wait a while. A couple days, a week at most, and see if Pete says anything to you himself. And if not…/then/ bring it up,” William said. Ryan looked up to him and nodded, wiping tears from his cheeks.
“Okay…. Thank you,” he said softly. William replied by hugging Ryan tightly.
Ryan took William’s advice and didn’t bring anything up with Pete, even though not know what was going on was driving him crazy. Six days had passed and Ryan was close to giving in and asking Pete about what he had heard, but didn’t know how. So he laid in his bunk, messing around with his Sidekick, trying to figure out some way to approach the topic. Not being able to think of anything, he logged onto LiveJournal out of anxiety more than anything. He went to his friends’ page and scrolled down not paying attention to any of the entries. He scrolled past more but then stopped and scrolled back up when an entry’s title caught his eye. “An open letter to Pete Wentz”. He looked at the user who posted it. askheychris. It was Chris, one of Pete’s best friends. Ryan began to read it.
“it takes a lot to make me mad.
it takes even more to infuriate me.
so, after all this time i finally learned the truth. that it was you telling my ex girlfriend lies and secrets. despite even giving you the pass card after i caught you trying to talk dirty to her online, this is how you repay me?”
Ryan continued to read it, feeling his heart drop lower and lower with every word he took in.
“you hug me and tell me you love me then you tell lies to my girlfriend behind my back to lure her away from me? you tell her i cheat on her and then you tell me to come stay on the bus?
you are a spineless fucking sham...”
“…you want to sell me out to the most important person in my life and then have the audacity to make ME think I did something wrong to not deserve your friendship? you fucking arrogant bastard…”
“…you know the friends i have and you know how we feel about loyalty.
you know who im talking about and you know they're not happy either.
so dont get caught slipping and you better make damn sure you watch whos on your guest list because a plus one might come backstage to punch your fucking teeth out and tear the windpipe from your throat.
you fucking sell out.
oh, and next time you decide to write another song about me, do it right you fucking coward.”

As soon as he finished reading the entry, Ryan closed his Sidekick, looking straight forward as if in some sort of trance He laid back against his pillow and let what he had just read sink in some more. Then he sat up as much as he could, grabbing his Sidekick with shaking hands. He pressed a few buttons then put the phone to his ear. It rang twice before someone answered.
“Hello?” William said.
“Pete was hitting on Kate. That’s what he’s hiding from me, isn’t it?”
“What? Ryan, how…how did you…where did you hear this?”
“Chris. Chris’s journal,” Ryan said. William sighed.
“Ryan, you need to talk to Pete,” William said, sounding concerned. Ryan was silent for a while.
“I know,” he said softly. “I just don’t know how.”
After Ryan hung up, he stared at his Sidekick, thinking about calling Pete, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to dial the number. So instead, he sent him a text.
“Hey. Come visit tomorrow? Please?” he read the message several times through, contemplating if he should add anything else to it. Then he sent it. A few minutes later, Pete replied.
“Short notice, but I don’t have plans, so sure! =]”
Ryan sighed, content with the fact that Pete was coming, so he would at least have the chance to bring things up, but he was anxious at the thought of actually bringing things up.
The rest of the day, Ryan seemed distant from everyone else, overwhelmed with thoughts of everything that was going on with his and Pete’s relationship. That night, after the show and after the buses had left the venue, Ryan laid awake in his bunk rereading Chris’s LiveJournal entry over and over again. Eventually, though, he closed his Sidekick and went to sleep. When he woke up the next morning, the sun had just begun to rise. He pulled the blankets off of him and rolled out of his bunk. He paced around the front of the bus for a few minutes before slumping down on the couch with a loud sigh. He closed his eyes and sat like that for a while.
“You’re up early,” a voice beside Ryan said. Ryan opened his eyes and looked towards Brendon.
“So are you,” he said quietly.
“Yeah, well, I heard you getting up. And then I realized how badly I had to piss,” he said. Ryan let out a soft laugh. “So what’s your reason?” Brendon asked. Ryan shrugged.
“I just couldn’t sleep,” he said. Brendon sat down next to Ryan on the couch.
“You wanna tell me what’s bothering you?” he asked. Ryan looked at him.
“How do you know something’s bothering me?”
“Well, it’s kind of obvious, Ry. You’ve been really…distant lately. And you seem to be thinking a lot. Like, more than you usually think, which is a lot, so now it seems like you never stop thinking, so it’s obvious that something is on your mind.” Ryan let out another soft laugh.
“It’s nothing. Really,” he said, not sounding very convincing.
“Are you sure?” Brendon asked. Ryan sighed.
“Have you been on LiveJournal lately?” he asked.
“No,” Brendon said, shaking his head. “Why?” Ryan pulled out his Sidekick and flipped it open, scrolling up to the Web Browser which was still on Chris’s entry from the night before. He handed his Sidekick to Brendon who took it with a curious look on his face. As he began to read, his expression changed from curiosity to shock and then to anger. Ryan sat there, watching Brendon read it, and when he finished, he handed the Sidekick back to Ryan and then looked up to him, his mouth slightly open.
“I…I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry,” he said softly. Ryan looked down, avoiding eye contact with Brendon, not wanting him to see him cry.
“Pete’s coming today. I need to talk to him…but I don’t know how to bring it up,” Ryan said. Brendon was silent.
“I’ll kick his ass if you want me to,” he finally said. Ryan laughed and shook his head.
“No, that’s okay, Brendon, you don’t have to do that.”
“Okay, but if you change your mind, I totally will,” Brendon said. Ryan smiled.
“Thanks, Brendon,” he said. Brendon smiled and then leaned over and hugged Ryan.
“Hopefully everything will work out,” he said softly. Ryan nodded, squeezing his eyes closed tightly, wanting so badly to cry, but holding it back.
Pete arrived shortly after noon. He tried to greet Ryan with a kiss, but Ryan turned his head away from Pete’s mouth. Pete gave him a questioning look.
“Pete…we need to talk,” Ryan said softly, avoiding Pete’s eyes. Pete’s face fell and he looked towards the ground.
“Oh. Okay…” Pete said. Ryan began to walk towards the backstage area, and once in there, towards Panic’s dressing room, Pete following closely. They passed by Brendon who gave Ryan a small, sympathetic smile, and then glared at Pete, but Pete didn’t notice. Once inside the dressing room, Pete closed the door and he and Ryan faced each other. Ryan was the first to speak.
“Do you…do you know why I want to talk to you?” he asked. Pete looked at him.
“I think…I might have some sort of an idea,” Pete said.
“Chris’s journal…”
“Yeah. So…you read that, then…” Pete said, looking away.
“Yeah. Yeah, I did,” Ryan said.
“I’m sorry.”
“So it’s true, then?” Ryan said, looking up at Pete. Pete just nodded. Ryan’s previous urge to cry was then replaced with anger. He stared into Pete’s eyes.
“Why?” he demanded. Pete shook his head.
“I don’t know.”
“So, you just decided to hit on a girl - who was in a relationship - while you are also in a relationship? I’m sorry, Pete, but that doesn’t seem like something someone would do without a reason,” Ryan said, the volume of his voice beginning to increase.
“I don’t know, Ryan. Maybe at the time there was a reason, but I don’t know now.”
“Well, did you think that I wouldn’t find out?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t think about that.”
“So…while you were hitting on someone else - a girl, to be exact - the thought of your boyfriend didn’t even cross your mind?!”
“I don’t know!”
“Then what DO you know?!” Ryan yelled. Pete was silent as he kept his eyes to the ground. “Pete, do you love me?” Ryan asked. Pete nodded.
“Of course I love you, Ryan,” Pete said, looking up to meet Ryan’s stare.
“Then why,…why would you do that?”
“…Because…I don’t know, Ryan. Because…I felt trapped,” Pete said, looking away from Ryan again.
“Trapped?”
“Yes, trapped.”
“Trapped in what?!”
“Our relationship! I mean, look at us, Ryan! It’s the same thing over and over again!”
“What are you talking about?!”
“I mean, we never see each other. Our relationship is composed of visits on the road and a fuck here and there to hold us over until the next visit!”
“Well, what did you /think/ our relationship would be like, Pete?! I mean, we obviously don’t have the easiest relationship in the world, but it’s still possible!”
“And now with these arguments that keep coming up between us - “
“We wouldn’t be arguing if you hadn’t made such a stupid move, Pete,” Ryan said angrily. Pete sighed loudly.
“Okay, okay, I get it. I messed up, I’m sorry,” Pete said.
“Are you, though? Because you don’t really seem very sorry.”
“Yes, I /am/ sorry,” Pete said. “But it’s so hard with you being gone and me at home - “
“Yeah, I /know/, Pete. I’ve been in that exact same position but I still managed to not hit on anyone while you were gone!”
“Look, Ryan, I /realize/ that that was a mistake! Believe me, it’s backfired on me more than once, now - “
“Then what were you thinking when you were doing it?! Did you just think that you could hit on someone else’s girlfriend and get away with it?!”
“She wasn’t someone else’s girlfriend the entire time,” Pete said flatly. Ryan raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, but you still had a boyfriend the entire time. Besides, how long did this even go one for?!”
“I don’t know. A while, I guess.”
“Were you doing it when you told me that you weren’t cheating on me?”
“I wasn’t cheating on you with Kate,” Pete said.
“That’s not the point. Were you hitting on her when you told me that you weren’t cheating on me?”
“Yes, I was, but I wasn’t /cheating/ with her!”
“Well then, why were you hitting on her?! Obviously you wanted /something/ from her, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it!” Ryan said. Pete was silent. “So did you succeed?” Ryan asked.
“What?!” Pete yelled.
“Did you get whatever it is that you wanted from Kate?!”
“Are you asking me if I slept with her?!” Pete asked.
“I don’t know. Is that what you were aiming for?”
“No.”
“No, what? No, that wasn’t what you were aiming for, or no, you didn’t sleep with her?” Ryan asked.
“No to both!” Pete yelled.
“So did you do anything?”
“Not with Kate, no!” Pete yelled, sounding frustrated.
“So…with someone else, then?”
“What?!”
“You said ‘not with Kate, no’. So…with someone else?”
“That’s not - I didn’t - that came out wrong,” Pete said, avoiding eye contact.
“Pete…answer the question please,” Ryan said. Pete shook his head, still avoiding Ryan’s eyes.
“I made a mistake, okay?” Pete said. Ryan shook his head, not believing what he was hearing.
“What did you do, Pete?!” Ryan demanded. Pete didn’t answer. “Pete!” Ryan yelled. Pete looked to the ground.
“Ryan, you have to forgive me because if you don’t, I don’t know - “
“Pete! What did you do?!” Ryan yelled, his eyes quickly filling up with tears. Pete looked up at him, his eyes also becoming wet.
“…Jeanae……” Pete said quietly. Tears began to fall down Ryan’s cheeks.
“Jeanae as in…your ex-girlfriend…?” he said. Pete nodded. “You…did you…sleep with her?” he asked. Pete looked away from Ryan and slowly nodded again. Ryan stood there, staring at Pete before backing up slowly until he reached a chair and fell down into it.
“I’m sorry, Ryan,” Pete finally said through tears. Ryan just shook his head, unable to say anything. “Please, Ryan, you have to forgive me,” Pete pleaded, coming closer towards Ryan. Ryan shook his head.
“Pete, you…you had sex with someone else! You cheated on me!” Ryan yelled.
“I’m sorry!”
“What were you even thinking?!”
“I wasn’t thinking, Ryan! Please, just - “
“Did you even think about me at all?!”
“I made a mistake!!”
“How many times did you do it?!”
“What?!”
“How many times did you have sex with her?!” Ryan yelled. Pete didn’t answer and he looked towards the ground. “Well?!” Ryan yelled. “Was it more than once?!”
“It was twice! It happened twice!”
“And you didn’t realize how wrong it was until after you had fucked her two times?!”
“Ryan, it wasn’t like that,” Pete said.
“Then tell me, what /was/ it like, Pete?!”
“I don’t know, Ryan!”
“So did you sleep with her before or after you told me that you weren’t cheating?” Ryan asked. Pete didn’t answer. Ryan shook his head, knowing fully well what Pete’s silence meant.
“So you lied to me, too,” he said. Pete continued his silence.
“Why, Pete?” Ryan asked, the anger in his voice being replaced with sadness. Pete shook his head.
“I don’t know,” he said softly.
“Did you miss sleeping with girls? Am I not good enough for you Pete?” Ryan asked, the anger coming back.
“No, Ryan! You /are/ good enough for me! You’re /too/ good for me!”
“Then why would you do this?!” Ryan screamed.
“I don’t know!” Pete screamed back. “I didn’t mean for it to happen - “
“Yet you let it happen /twice/.”
“It was a mistake! I made a mistake!! I’m not perfect, Ryan!”
“And I’m just now beginning to see this.”
“I’m /sorry/, Ryan! How many times can I say that?!”
“As many times as you want, Pete, because it’s not doing anything for me. Saying that you’re sorry doesn’t change the fact that you cheated on me,” Ryan said dryly.
“So, what? Does this mean that our relationship is over?” Pete asked. Ryan shrugged.
“Do you want it to be?”
“No.”
“So, you say you feel trapped and you’re sleeping with outer people, but you still want to be with me?”
“Yeah, of course I want to be with you! Because when I /am/ with you, everything is great! But it’s when we’re apart that - “
“That you decide to sleep with your ex-girlfriends. Right, I get it,” Ryan said bitterly.
“Well, do /you/ want to break up?!” Pete yelled.
“Of course I don’t want to break up! But, Pete, do you not realize the severity of this?! You had sex with someone else! And not only that, you lied to me, too! You said that I should trust you when you were downright lying straight to my face!”
“I didn’t know what else to do, Ryan! Because I didn’t know what would happen if and when you found out! I was scared, Ryan!”
“Scared of what?! That we would break up?!”
“Yes! That and that you would hate me forever,” Pete said.
“Well, congratulations, Peter, you sure as hell managed that.”
“You hate me?”
“Right now, more than anything,” Ryan said. “And what makes it worse is that along with hating you more than anything, I still love you more than anything.”
“Then if you love me, then you can forgive me!”
“No, Pete, I can’t forgive you!”
“Why not?!”
“Because you cheated on me, Pete!!!”
“And I’m sorry!!”
“You being sorry doesn’t change what you did, though! Nothing can change what you did!”
“You’re right, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t get past this!”
“Do you really want to get past this? You know that I will never fully trust you again. Besides, don’t you feel ‘trapped in out relationship’ anyways?” Ryan asked. Pete closed his eyes and shook his head.
“Why is this so fucking hard?!” he yelled out.
“What?” Ryan asked.
“Everything! Our relationship, our lives, all of it!”
“Pete…the odds were against our relationship to begin with. We’re two dudes both involved in the music industry. Things like us hardly ever work out. And I really thought we had something special. I thought that we were perfect together. I thought that nothing would ever go wrong. And just now, you proved me horribly wrong,” Ryan said, tears pouring down his face.
“I’m sorry,” Pete said in barely a whisper, tears falling from his eyes as well. Ryan shook his head.
“Stop saying that. Please,” he said.
“I don’t know what else to say.”
“Then don’t say anything,” Ryan said. Silence followed for the next few seconds.
“Are we breaking up?” Pete asked. Ryan shook his head.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“I think…that that would…probably be best,” Pete said. Ryan looked up from the ground and looked at Pete.
“You do?” he asked. Pete nodded.
“For both of us. I still love you, Ryan…but you’re right. The odds are against us.”
“So…we’re over, then?”
“Unless we can somehow get past this,” Pete said. Ryan was silent and then shook his head. They stood in silence for a while until Pete looked towards the door.
“I should probably go,” he said. Ryan just nodded, unable to talk. Pete turned around and began to walk towards the door.
“Bye,” he said softly before walking out the room and closing the door behind him. Ryan watched him leave and as soon as the door was shut, he collapsed into the nearest chair and began to cry hysterically. It was over, and he knew that it was for real. He sobbed to himself, taking in several sharp breaths, trying to calm himself down, but not succeeding. Pete was gone. He kept repeating it in his head over and over again. Everything that they had had was over. Just then, the door opened, but Ryan didn’t bother to look up.
“I swear to god, I’ll fucking kick his ass,” he heard Brendon say.
“There’s no need for ass-kicking, Brendon. Just worry about Ryan for right now,” William said. And then Ryan felt two pairs of arms wrapping around him and he fell into the body closest to him. He didn’t say anything and neither did William or Brendon. They just hugged him and stroked his hair while he cried. Finally, Ryan looked up into William’s face and he wiped the tears off of his face.
“It’s over,” he said, his voice scratchy. “Pete cheated on me and now he’s gone.”
“I know,” William said softly, and hugged him a bit tighter.
“He cheated on me, William! He cheated on me! He slept with someone else!” Ryan wailed and then buried his face into William’s chest and cried some more.

Soon after, they left the TRL studio and roamed the streets of New York City aimlessly.
They left New York a couple days later, going back home and preparing for upcoming tours. And in almost no time at all, Panic! was back on the road, this time with The Academy Is, Hellogoodbye, and Acceptance. And with a bus rather than a van. The first show started in Missouri on the first of February and things went from there. Ryan hadn’t seen Pete since New York, but he was too busy to even think about missing him too much. A couple weeks into the tour was William’s twenty-first birthday and Pete was scheduled to come visit. The morning of William’s birthday, when the buses got to the venue, William barged into the Panic bus, waking most of them up.
“It’s my birthday!! I’m twenty-one! I can drink legally!!” he yelled and then ran out of the bus and off somewhere else.
“I think he’s drunk already,” Ryan said with a chuckle, looking out of the bus window and watching William run off.
A couple hours later, Ryan got a phone call from Pete.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Hey, baby,” Pete said.
“Oh, hi! What’s up?”
“Not much, but uh…I have some bad news,” he said.
“…You do?”
“Yeah. Um…I know I was supposed to come visit today but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to.”
“Oh…” Ryan said, sounding disappointed.
“I’m really sorry, Ry, but - “
“No, no, it’s fine, really,” he said.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, really. It’s okay.”
“I promise I’ll come soon, though. I mean, Valentine’s day is in like, three days. I’m gonna try to come then.”
“Alright.”
“Okay, well, I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, though.”
“Okay.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Ryan replied.
“Oh, tell William I said happy birthday.”
“Alright. I will. Bye.”
“Bye.”
And then he hung up with a sigh of slight disappointment, having been really looking forward to Pete’s visit.
“Oh, who needs Pete?! We’re fine without him!” William said to Ryan after he had told him that Pete wasn’t coming. Ryan giggled a bit.
“You’re drunk, William,” he said.
“You’re right, Ryan,” William replied with a giggle.
Later that night, the bands went on and during The Academy Is’s set, in honour of his birthday, William was brought more alcohol which he shot down onstage. After the show, William was beyond wasted. He stumbled backstage and immediately latched onto the first person who he came in contact with which happened to be Brendon.
“Brendon, you were /so/ amazing tonight, you know that?!” he said, slurring his words a bit, his arms wrapped around Brendon’s shoulders, leaning over a bit.
“Thanks William,” Brendon laughed.
“I’m SERIOUS, Brendon!” he yelled. Brendon laughed some more.
“Hey, William, how about you harass someone other than Brendon?” Mike said, grabbing William’s shoulders and steering him away from Brendon.
“Oh, Mike! I was just telling Brendon how great he did tonight! Don’t you think he did great?!”
“Yes, William, Brendon did great. Here, why don’t you sit down on this couch?” Mike said, leading William towards a couch which Ryan was sitting on, laughing at William’s drunkenness. William nodded at Mike.
“Okay, Mike. I’d love to sit here on this couch next to my good friend, Ryan Ross,” he said, slumping down on the couch very close to Ryan.
“Alright, but you don’t have to sit that close to Ryan, you know. There’s the whole couch for you,” Mike said, laughing. William appeared to not have even heard him.
“It’s fine, Mike,” Ryan laughed.
“Okay. Um, if you don’t mind, would you watch over him for a bit and make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid? He’s completely shitfaced. Like, drunker than I’ve /ever/ seen him. And uh…yeah,” Mike said with a laugh.
“No, that’s fine, I’ll - William, what are you doing?” Ryan laughed, turning his head to looks at William who had been running his fingers through Ryan’s hair with an extremely interested look on his face.
“You have such nice hair, Ryan. What shampoo do you use?” he asked, running his hands through his hair again. Ryan just laughed. Mike grabbed William’s hands gently, pulling them away from Ryan’s head and placing them in his lap.
“William, you can sit by Ryan, but don’t harass him, okay?” Mike said, taking a very motherly tone. William looked up at him and nodded.
“Okay,” he said. And then Mike left them, and Brendon joined them.
“Brendon! Bden! Brendon Urie! Bden Urine!!” William yelled, then howled with intoxicated laughter. Brendon looked to Ryan.
“Dud he just call me Urine?” he asked, sounding quite entertained. Ryan laughed and nodded. Then William jumped up from the couch, his face lighting up.
“I have…an AMAZING idea!!” he said.
“And what would that be, William?” Brendon asked.
“We’re in ATLANTIC CITY!” William exclaimed.
“Yeah…” Ryan said.
“I’m twenty-one!”
“Okay…”
“There are CASINOS in Atlantic City!”
“No, William, you’re not gambling when you’re this drunk,” Ryan said to him.
“Why not?! Come on, Ryan! It’ll be fun! What do you say, Brendon?!” William said, turning on Brendon. Brendon looked to Ryan, then to William, then back to Ryan.
“Well…it /would/ be fun, yeah…but Ryan’s right. You’re too drunk to be gambling.”
“Too drunk?! I’m not drunk! Okay, I’m a /little/ bit drunk but…ADAM! Come here!!” William yelled, spotting Adam not too far away. Adam looked over at them and then walked over.
“What do you say, Adam…that we /all/…you know, all of us…like a family…a nice family outing?” William said. Adam just laughed.
“That didn’t make any sense at all, William,” he said. William thought for a second and then started laughing.
“It didn’t, did it?! No. What I /meant/ was…we’re here…in Atlantic City on this fine night of my twenty-first birthday,” he said, wrapping an arm around Adam’s shoulder. “So what do you say we have a little fun in Atlantic City tonight and take our chances with a few, innocent, Atlantic City games?”
“You mean…you want to go to a casino and gamble?”
“Precisely.”
“Um, that sounds like fun, but you know…a lot of us in this ‘family’ aren’t exactly old enough to do that,” Adam said. William frowned.
“Oh, don’t worry! No one will ever know that you’re only…how old are you again? Sixteen?”
“Eighteen.”
“Eighteen! No one will EVER know that you’re only eighteen! What do you say, Adam? Just convince those guys over there and get the rest of these people and let’s go have us some fun!” William yelled. Adam looked to Ryan and Brendon who both shrugged.
“Whatever. I take no responsibility for anything stupid that he does, though,” Ryan said with a laugh.
“William rounded up everyone else, they all got on their buses and headed towards the nearest, brightly-lit casino. Once out of their buses, William spotted Ryan and quickly latched onto his arm. Ryan was on his Sidekick and William peered over his shoulder to see the screen.
“Who you talking to?” he asked.
“Pete.”
“Ooh! Let me talk to him!!” William pleaded. Ryan laughed.
“Alright,” he said, typing in a quick message to Pete, sending it, then handing his Sidekick to William.

i amclandestine: Hi peeeeet!!!

brokehalo7: Hello william.

i amclandestine: Aw, who told yuo ti wsa em?!

brokehalo7: Hahahaha im not totally sure what that's supposed to say.

i amclandestine: Yeah I don't know eihter im really drunk

brokehalo7: Yes, I noticed.

i amclandestine: You should be heer!! Why arnet yuo here?!

brokehalo7: Haha im sorry, I couldn't make it

i amclandestine: You don't care about me anymore do you?

brokehalo7: Oh, william, I always care about you

i amclandestine: okay good I gotta go were gonna go blow money in altalntic city here have your bf bak bye

brokehalo7: Haha, alright william. Have fun.

William handed the Sidekick back to Ryan and then they went inside of the casino. Ryan put his Sidekick away after saying goodbye to Pete. They looked around the casino for a while before spotting a roulette table. William ran over to it and then turned to face the group.
“I say…that we put everything on it,” he said.
“Put everything on what?” Mike asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Everything we have…on…black.”
“William, you’re crazy,” Brendon said.
“No, I’m drunk,” William said. “No, but seriously, guys. I mean, it’s a fifty-fifty chance. We’ll either lose everything or we’ll come out on top.”
“I’m in for it,” Ryan yelled out. All eyes turned to him. “What? I mean, we might as well. What do we really have to lose other than some money? It could be fun!” William smiled and wrapped his arm around Ryan’s shoulder.
“See, he’s in! Who else?”
“You know what? I’m in, too,” Mike said.
“Me too!” Brendon and Spencer said in unison.
And then they were all in and all of their money was on black and then they waited, watching the spinny thing anxiously. Red. Black. Red. Black. It began to slow down. Red. Black. William squeezed Ryan’s arm tightly, watching it. And then it stopped. Black. There was an uproar of yelling from everyone, all of them jumping around and hugging each other. William jumped and then wrapped his arms around Ryan tightly, hugging him. Ryan just laughed, amazed at what had happened and hugged William back.
Later, after they had finished at the casino, they got into their buses, all of them totally drained, and drove off to the next city. The next morning, Ryan awoke to the sound of someone entering the bus very loudly. He got up and looked around at the other bunks. They were all empty.
“Ryan!” a voice called from the entry of the bunk area. Ryan turned around.
“Oh, hey, William. What’s up?” Ryan said.
“Oh, nothing. I was just wondering…why didn’t Pete come yesterday?”
“Oh. Uh…I’m not really sure. He said he had stuff to do.”
“Oh.”
“Why?”
“Oh, no reason, really. It’s just…I would find it kind of suspicious if my girlfriend were to tell me that she was gonna come visit me but then didn’t. Especially without giving me a reason other than ‘stuff to do’,” William said, nearing Ryan.
“Well…I’m sure he was busy. What…what are you implying?”
“Oh, I’m not implying anything. I was just saying….,” he said, getting closer and closer to Ryan. He reached out and grabbed Ryan’s hand. Ryan looked up to him.
“William…what are you doing?”
“Look, Ryan…there’s no denying the fact that there’s some sort of connection between us,” he said, leaning down so that his face was level with Ryan’s. “Whether it’s a sexual connection or not…that’s for you to decide….” They stared at each other for a few seconds and then Ryan placed his hand on the back of William’s neck and pulled his face towards his. They kissed for a few seconds before Ryan jerked away.
“William…you have a girlfriend,” Ryan said.
“And you have a boyfriend. I don’t tell, you don’t tell,” he said simply. Ryan didn’t look very convinced. “Look, you haven’t been with Pete for a while, I haven’t been with Christine…there’s no way that you could possibly tell me that you don’t need this.”
“I do. I don’t. I mean…I don’t know.”
“Ryan…if Pete weren’t in the picture, would you even think twice about this?” Ryan thought for a second.
“Honestly…no.”
“Pete won’t find out, Ryan. I promise,” William whispered, running his hands down Ryan’s back. Ryan shivered, looking up into William’s eyes and didn’t think twice before kissing him again, pressing his lips against William’s as he reached out to unbutton his shirt. William pulled off his shirt, dropping it to the floor of the bus and began to unbuckle his belt. Ryan pulled away for a second to pull his t-shirt over his head, then continued to kiss William. William pushed Ryan up against the bunks, unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down.
And then Ryan woke up. His eyes snapped open and it was dark. He was in his bunk, tangled in his blankets and sweating. He sat up, feeling around in the dark for his Sidekick. When he found it, he flipped it open and looked at the time. Only a few minutes past 5 AM. He laid back down on his pillow, wondering why he had just had a dream about William. He shook the thought of liking William out of his head and assured himself that the dream had resulted from both spending a lot of time with William and from the disappointment of Pete not coming to visit. And then he fell back into a dreamless sleep.
By the time he woke up again, Ryan had completely forgotten his dream. Until he saw William later. But he pushed it out of his mind, not wanting the same thing to happen that had happened the last time that he’d had dreams of that sort.
A couple days later was Valentines Day and Pete finally came to visit. When he got there, he greeted all of the bands, and then the Panic guys (other than Ryan) all willingly left the bus in order to give Ryan and Pete some ‘alone time’. Ryan kissed Pete, closing the bus door and beginning to take off his shirt, but Pete stopped him. Ryan pulled away from him and gave him an odd look.
“I don’t think we have enough time for…that,” Pete said, not making eye contact with Ryan. Ryan raised an eyebrow.
“I still have almost an hour until sound check,” he said.
“It’s closer to a half hour…” Pete said. Ryan gave him another odd look.
“So?”
“So…I just don’t think we have enough time.”
“Well, that’s never stopped you before,” Ryan said with a laugh. Pete just shrugged.
“Why can’t we just…talk? Our entire relationship doesn’t have to be based on sex.”
“Because…we talk…every day. And who says our entire relationship is based on sex?” Ryan said, sounding slightly offended.
“Well, no one, but I mean, every time we see each other we don’t have to immediately jump all over each other,” he said.
“Well…I thought…that…I thought that you liked that,” Ryan said, confused.
“Well, sure, like, a month ago.”
“So…a month goes by and you suddenly decide that you don’t want to have sex with me?”
“I never said that I didn’t want to have sex with you, Ryan. I’m just saying that - “
“You don’t want to have sex with me right now.”
“Well……”
“You could have just said that, you know,” Ryan said bitterly. “I mean, you /are/ the one that wants to /talk/.” Pete rolled his eyes.
“Please tell me that we /aren’t/ arguing about sex right now.”
“Well what else would we argue about, Pete? Our entire relationship revolves around sex, apparently.”
“I never said that our entire relationship revolves around sex. I said that it doesn’t /have/ to,” Pete said.
“Implying that it /does/.”
“No. But now that I think about it, it kind of does.”
“And that’s my fault?”
“Did I say that?”
“No, but you’re saying that our relationship revolves around sex as though it’s my fault,” Ryan said.
“So, it’s my fault.”
“What? No.”
“Well, if it’s not your fault, then I guess it’s my fault,” Pete said.
“I didn’t say that! Did you ever think that maybe it’s both of us?!”
“Maybe. But does it even matter?”
“Well, it obviously does,” Ryan said.
“It doesn’t. Just drop it,” Pete said. And then they fell silent, both of them looking at the floor.
“So…,” Ryan said after a few minutes of awkward silence. Pete glanced up at him.
“Hm?”
“Um…I should probably start heading over for sound check,” Ryan said, not looking at Pete.
“Why? You still have like, more than twenty minutes.”
“So? It’s not like /we’re/ doing anything,” Ryan said.
“So you’re just gonna leave it like this?”
“Leave what like how?”
“With everything bitter.” Ryan looked at Pete.
“Well…you’re welcome to change it, too.”
“…Well. Fine. Um…have fun at sound check,” Pete said with no enthusiasm, sounding angry still. Ryan stared at him for a second before moving towards him. They gave each other a quick, awkward kiss and then Ryan left for sound check in a bad mood. After sound check and after the show had started, Panic was onstage and Pete was off to the side. Ryan looked over to him and saw that he was on his Sidekick and appeared to not even be paying attention to the show. Ryan just sighed, looking away from Pete.
After the show, Ryan appeared by Pete’s side and slipped his hand into his.
“Can we…go for a walk?” he asked softly. Pete sighed and then nodded. They set off through the backstage exit and found a few back roads to walk along where no fans would find them. They walked in silence for a while, both of them staring at the ground. Then Ryan looked up at Pete.
“Uhm…are you…are you mad at me?” he asked.
“No,” Pete said without looking up. “Why would you think that?” Ryan shrugged.
“Because…you’re acting…differently.” Pete shrugged, still looking at the ground.
“I don’t know,” Pete said. “Things are different…”
“What’s different?”
“Everything.”
“Like what?” Ryan asked. Pete sighed.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, it kind of does. You’re acting like you don’t even care about me anymore and considering that you’re my boyfriend, I think I’m entitled to want to know what’s wrong.” Pete looked up at him and stopped walking.
“How am I acting like I don’t care about you?”
“Well, for one thing, you didn’t come visit the other day when you said you would - “
“I told you, I had stuff to do that day.”
“Stuff like what?” Ryan asked.
“I don’t really see how that matters,” Pete said, then looked back down towards the ground and continued to walk.
“Well, when you say you’re gonna come visit me and then you don’t and you won’t even tell me why, I kind of begin to wonder.”
“What, do you not trust me?” Pete demanded.
“I /want/ to, but you’re making it really hard to.”
“I’m making it hard for /you/ to trust /me/?! If anything, /I/ should be the one who doesn’t trust /you/!”
“What?! What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“Well, I still don’t know the whole story about what happened on Christmas…,” Pete said dryly.
“Why the hell are you bringing that up?! I thought we got over that! Besides, nothing even happened!”
“We got over it because I trusted you when you said that nothing happened. I /trusted/ you.”
“Um, as far as I remember, you /left/ that night because you didn’t believe me!”
“Well, at first, of course I didn’t. And I doubt you would have, either. But after it happened, I /realized/ that I had overreacted and that I needed to trust you,” Pete said.
“Why are we even talking about this?! How is it even relevant?!”
“Well, it’s relevant to the fact that I trust you but you don’t trust me.”
“I never said that I /didn’t/ trust you! I said that it’s becoming really hard to trust you!”
“Which is pretty uncalled for, if you ask me. Since when did you decide to play the role of overprotective boyfriend?”
“I’m not playing any role! But when you won’t even tell me where you were instead of with me when you told me that you /would/ be with me, then yeah, I think I have the right to be an overprotective boyfriend!”
“What do you /think/ I was doing, Ryan?!” Pete yelled.
“What?”
“You obviously think that I was doing something wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of it. So tell me, Ryan, what do you think I was doing?”
“I don’t know!” Ryan yelled.
“Yes you do! You have it in your mind, you’re just too afraid to actually say it!” Pete said. Ryan stared at him.
“What are you talking about?!”
“You think I’m cheating on you! Don’t you?!”
“Yeah. I do. A little it, I do! I mean, when you won’t even tell me what you were doing and then you come visit me, refuse sex with me, and you’re bitter to me all night, then yeah, the thought enters my mind quite a bit!” Pete laughed, looking away from Ryan.
“Well, I’m not. And if you really do trust me, then you’ll believe what I’m saying and you’ll drop it,” Pete said, and then started walking off in the other direction, leaving Ryan standing there. Then Pete turned around and faced Ryan again.
“Oh, by the way, happy Valentine’s Day,” he said bitterly, then continued to walk off. Ryan watched Pete walk for a second, then set off after him. He stopped Pete, placing a hand on his shoulder and turning him to face him.
“What?” Pete said. Ryan sighed.
“So you’re just gonna leave it like this?” he asked. “Why can’t we work things out?”
“I don’t know. Do you trust me?” Pete asked. Ryan was silent for a second.
“Yes. Yeah, I do trust you, Pete.”
“Okay. What else is there to resolve now?”
“Um…how about why you’re being so weird with me?” Pete shrugged.
“I don’t see how I’m being weird with you…”
“Well, you’re definitely not being how you usually are. You’re acting like you’re mad at me or something.”
“I’m not mad at you,” Pete said.
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” Pete said and Ryan sighed.
“Okay. Fine,” Ryan said. Then they both stood there in silence, looking at the ground.
“Um…we should probably…get back,” Ryan said after a few minutes.
“Yeah,” Pete agreed, nodding. And then they walked back to the venue in silence.
After Pete left, before the buses were ready to leave, Ryan was slumped on a couch backstage, a sad, angry look on his face, not paying attention to anything around him, appearing to be in his own little world.
“You okay, Ryan?” William asked, sitting down next to Ryan, snapping him out of his daze.
“Huh? Oh. Yeah. I’m…I’m fine,” Ryan said unconvincingly. William raised an eyebrow.
“Are you sure?” he asked. Ryan shrugged.
“Not really,” he said softly with a sigh. William nodded understandingly. Ryan looked to William and sighed again.
“It’s just…Pete. He was being so…/weird/ to me today. Like, we haven’t seen each other in like, a month, but he didn’t even seem happy to see me. It was almost like he didn’t even /care/. And we started arguing twice today…Pete and I have only ever argued /once/. And I don’t know. Both of the arguments were over really stupid things and I don’t even know how they started in the first place and…I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear about this, do you?” Ryan said, looking away from William.
“No, it’s fine, Ryan. If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. It’s fine,” William said. Ryan gave him a small smile, thanking him.
“But, like…some of the things that bothered me /really/ shouldn’t have,” Ryan continued.
“Like what?” William asked.
“Like…it’s stupid and this is probably gonna make me sound really…really I don’t know, but…he wouldn’t…you know...have…yeah, you know…”
“Yeah. I gotcha,” William said. Ryan nodded.
“Yeah. And whatever, that shouldn’t really bother me, and really, it doesn’t, it’s just…I mean, I was basically throwing myself at him and he refused me and then I said that I thought he liked that and he was like ‘well yeah, a month ago’ or something like that and I took that really offensively. I don’t understand why he would suddenly not want to…you know,” Ryan said. William looked thoughtful for a second.
“Well…perhaps he was either just having a bad day or something…or the honeymoon phase is over for him,” he said.
“But I don’t understand /how/ that could be. I mean, we haven’t even been together at all for the past month! And all the time before that, things were great between us! I mean, unless…no, he said he wasn’t and I trust him. I think.”
“Hm?” William asked. Ryan sighed.
“I…I kind of accused Pete of cheating.” William raised his eyebrows.
“Please explain,” he said.
“Well, I mean, I didn’t just come out and accuse him. And really, I didn’t /really/ think that he was, but, I mean, with him not coming to visit when he said he was, I was suspicious of /something/, but not necessarily him cheating. But then we were arguing about how he didn’t tell me where he was instead of here, he asked me if I thought he was cheating. And I said that I did…even though I’m not even sure if I do…”
“Well…do you? I mean, think about it and, honestly…do you think that Pete cheating is a possibility?” William asked. Ryan was silent as he thought about it for a minute, before finally shaking his head.
“No. No, I really don’t think so,” he said. William smiled.
“Honestly, I don’t think so, either. My guess is just that Pete was having a bad day or something. I’m sure that it was nothing against you at all. He’ll probably get over it really soon and things will be back to perfect. I mean, the last time you guys had a fight, it didn’t even last an entire day…and that was a big fight, too,” William said. Ryan smiled and nodded.
“I hope you’re right,” he said, then leaned over and hugged William. “Thank you. For listening and…everything,” he said.
“No problem,” William replied, wrapping his arms around Ryan, hugging him back. And then Ryan suddenly remembered the dream he had had a few nights ago. He quickly pulled away from William and jumped up from the couch.
“Well…I’m gonna go…uh…I’m gonna go…to my bus. And…I will uh…see you later,” Ryan said.
“Alright,” William said, and then Ryan rushed out of the room.

The next few days passed by relatively fast until it was the day before New Year’s Eve and the rest of the Fall Out Boy guys came to New York City. Pete and Ryan met up with them at the airport when they arrived. They all greeted each other before finding a nice Starbucks in the airport.
“You know, Ryan, it really is a good thing Brendon decided to check LiveJournal,” Patrick said. “Because Spencer called me the other day asking if I had seen you. He said that you weren’t home, you didn’t call, and you weren’t answering your phone. You had us all pretty worried. It seemed that neither you or Pete decided to tell any of us what was going on.”
“Oh wow…I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about any of that!” Ryan said.
“Oh, it’s okay. We’re all happy to see that uh…things were resolved,” Patrick said. Joe and Andy both nodded in agreement.
“’We’ being…who? I thought the only people that knew were you and Spencer. And Mikey and Alicia, too, of course,” Pete said to him. Patrick smiled innocently.
“Well…news travels?” he said. Pete rolled his eyes and smiled.
“Besides, it’s not like it was hard to tell something happened by your five hundred journal entries each,” Andy said.
“But do you have a problem with us knowing, Pete?” Joe said with a smile.
“No! No! It’s not that, it’s just that I wanted to know how.”
“Don’t worry, Pete. I didn’t get off the phone with you at eight in the morning and call everyone I knew just to tell them about all of your relationship drama,” Patrick said.
“Eight in the morning?” Ryan said. Patrick laughed and Pete looked away, his face turning slightly pink.
“Yeah, Ryan, your lovely boyfriend of yours called me and woke me up at three in the morning on Christmas - “
“- It was a different time zone!” Pete cut in.
“And he kept me up until eight. Which was when he got on the plane to New York.”
“Three to eight? That’s like…five hours,” Ryan said.
“Yeah. I know,” Patrick said with a laugh. “Believe me, I know. And during those five hours, the only thing I got out of the conversation was the name Regina. Considering that it was said about a hundred times. And the rest of the conversation was…me just listening to Pete cry.”
“You sat on the phone for five hours in the middle of the night listening to him cry? Damn, I would have hung up on his ass,” Andy said.
“Yes, but see, that’s why I’m a better friend than you are, Andy,” Patrick said with a laugh.
“Pete, I would totally listen to you cry for five hours,” Joe said with a smile, then turned to look at Andy. “Andy’s such an asshole. I can’t believe he said that he would hang up on you!” They all laughed.
“Yeah right, Joe. You say that, but you’d probably fall asleep an hour into the crying,” Andy said and they all laughed some more.
“Okay, okay, so Patrick is the best friend anyone could ever have so let’s all call him in the middle of the night so we can cry over the phone to him for five hours!” Joe said.
“Oh dear god, please don’t,” Patrick said.
When they finished there, the five of them headed to the hotel that Pete and Ryan had been staying at. Patrick, Andy, and Joe checked in and got rooms.
The next morning, they had to wake up, get ready and get to Time Square by a little after noon so that they could set up, practice and sound check before the big MTV New Year’s Eve thing. Ryan came along and watched them set up, practice, and sound check. When the show started, Fall Out Boy performed and then they had to be interviewed. Once that was finished, they basically just hung around waiting for the New Year’s ball to be dropped. When it got nearer to midnight and everyone began to count down, Pete grabbed Ryan by the hand and pulled him close to him, wrapping his arms around his waist. Neither of them said anything, they just stood there, their arms wrapped around each other, staring into each other’s eyes. And at midnight, when the ball dropped and everyone was cheering about it, Pete and Ryan pressed their mouths against each other’s and stood like that for several seconds. When they finally pulled away from each other, Pete smiled.
“Best New Year’s ever,” he said, then kissed Ryan again.
After the MTV New Year’s Eve thing was over, Pete, Ryan, Patrick, Andy, and Joe all headed back to the hotel. When they got to their room, Ryan and Pete were too tired to do anything other than sleep. So they crawled into bed and immediately fell asleep.
The next two days passed by and they soon had to leave New York. Pete had to go back to Chicago and Ryan was going back to Las Vegas and staying with Brendon. When Pete and Ryan said goodbye to each other, they agreed that they would see each other again in a little more than two weeks when Panic! was going to be on TRL. They kissed each other one last time before they both left New York.
When Ryan got back to Las Vegas, he found his car where he had parked it a week ago. He got in and drove to Brendon’s house. When he got to Brendon’s, Brendon had gotten back from spending Christmas and New Year’s with Audrey only about an hour before so he was napping. His parents greeted Ryan. They didn’t ask too many questions so Ryan guessed that Brendon explained to them in some way why Ryan was staying with them. Whether he told them the truth or not, Ryan didn’t know, but it didn’t really matter.
The next two weeks passed and it was time for Ryan, Brendon, Spencer, and Brent to leave for New York to be on MTV for the first time =00. They were going to premiere their first video that they had filmed a little while back. The Academy Is guys and Pete were meeting them in New York. The Academy Is was also going to be on TRL with them. Pete was just coming to give moral support. And for Ryan, of course. When Panic got to New York, there was still a lot of time to spare before they needed to be at the TRL studio. They met up with Pete as well as William, Mike, Tom, Adam, and The Butcher from The Academy Is, plus Johnny Minardi at a nearby Starbucks. When they got there, Ryan and Pete immediately went away from the group and got reacquainted after two weeks of not seeing each other. They walked outside before Pete attacked Ryan, pushing him up against the wall of the building and pressing his mouth against his. Ryan and Pete were outside for about fifteen minutes before they were joined y Mike Carden, walking outside, pulling a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his hoodie pocket. Pete pulled away from Ryan when he saw Mike.
“Oh, don’t mind me,” Mike said with a laugh. “You can continue.”
“Oh, no, it’s okay. We should probably get back inside anyways,” Pete said.
They went back inside and hung out there for a while before heading off to the TRL building. They got there, ran through everything that they would have to do, got ready, and then waited. They were sitting backstage and Ryan was latched onto Pete’s arm.
“I’m nervous,” he said softly. Pete smiled and gave him a quick kiss.
“Don’t be. You’ll be fine. Just go out there and talk. It’ll be over before you know it,” Pete reassured him. Ryan smiled weakly.
“I’m still nervous,” he said. “I’m probably gonna mess up on something I say and then I’ll just look like a total ass.”
“Aw, Ryannn,” Pete giggled. “At least you’ll be my ass.”
“Wait, what did I just hear?” William called from across the room. “Pete, did you just say that Ryan was your ass?” Pete laughed.
“No, not my ass like my ASS, ass!”
“Ohh, okay. So he’s your ass, ass. Right,” William said. “Wait. Why is Ryan an ass, exactly?”
“Well he’s not an ass YET. He says he’s going to be an ass,” Pete explained, laughing.
“Ryan, why are you gonna be an ass?” William asked. Ryan laughed.
“Because I’m gonna fuck up out there,” he said.
“No you won’t! Just let Brendon do all the talking. He’s the heterosexual front man. He’s the one people pay to see anyways,” William said.
“Oh, so no one wants to see me? Or Ryan or Brent?” Spencer yelled out.
“So you’re saying that people only want to see the heterosexual front man? Way to be egotistical, Beckett,” Adam said. William just laughed.
“Whoa, William is heterosexual?! That’s not what he told me last night!” Johnny Minardi yelled out.
“Johnny! You were supposed to keep that a secret!” William laughed.
Not long after that, TRL started and they had to get ready to go out.
“You’ll be fine,” Pete kept telling the overly-nervous Ryan. Ryan just nodded. Right before it was time for Panic! to go out, Pete grabbed Ryan’s face and kissed him hard before pulling away and pushing him towards the other Panic guys.
“Go!” Pete said, smiling. “I love you!” he threw in as Ryan left backstage and out to where TRL was being recorded. They went out, got interviewed, then premiered their video. And when they finished, they went back backstage.
“See, I told you you would do fine!” Pete said to Ryan. Ryan smiled.
“Well, I did kind of stutter a bit, but - “
“Oh, shut up, you were good!” Pete said, then kissed Ryan. Ryan giggled, pushing himself against Pete. Pete pulled away from Ryan and looked around quickly, then back at Ryan.
“You know…we’re basically done here. And the bathrooms are most likely pretty vacant. And I’ve always wanted to - “
“Pete! No!” Ryan said with a giggle. Pete pouted at him.
“Why not?”
“Because…what if someone walks in?”
“The door locks,” Pete said with a smirk.
“Fine. What if someone overhears?”
“Then it’s a funny story for them to tell.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Aw, come on Ryan! You know you want to!” Pete pleaded, pushing himself against Ryan provocatively. Ryan smiled and looked towards the ground.
“…Fiiine,” he sighed. Pete smiled. He reached down and took a hold of Ryan’s hand and dragged him towards the TRL restrooms. They went inside and Pete quickly checked under doors to make sure that nobody was in any of the stalls, then he clicked the lock on the door shut. He turned to face Ryan and then they both tore off their shirts and pants. Pete grabbed Ryan’s face and pulled it towards his, kissing him roughly. He pushed Ryan up against the row of sinks, moving his hands down to around his waist. Ryan pulled off the last of his clothes and turned around to face the sinks. Pete wasted no time before pushing himself into Ryan. Ryan moaned, closing his eyes and biting down on his lip, and Pete thrust in and out of Ryan. When they had finished, they redressed and left the restroom. When they got out, the show had just ended and the other guys were still backstage. Pete and Ryan entered and all eyes turned to them, eyebrows raised.
“What?” Pete exclaimed, taking a seat on the nearest chair, next to William, and Ryan sitting next to him.
“Nobody said anything!” Brendon said from the other side of the room.
“Yeah, but you’re all…looking at us funny.”
“Oh, um, Pete, dear,” William said. “Your shirt’s inside-out.” Pete looked down at his shirt and turned a light shade of pink.
“Oh. Wow. Well, um…,” he stuttered and let out an awkward laugh. They all laughed at him.

When Ryan got home and after Spencer left, he laid in his bed for a few hours and just cried some more. He didn’t even notice when his dad came into his room, completely wasted.
“I thought you were gonna stay at what’s-his-name’s house for all of Christmas,” his dad said, slurring his words a little. Ryan jumped a bit, having not seen his dad come in and quickly wiped tears off his face.
“Um…plans got changed,” he said, his voice scratchy. Ryan’s dad looked at him funny.
“You been crying?” he asked.
“Um……no,” Ryan lied. His dad looked at him funny again.
“Yes you have. What you been crying for?” Ryan shook his head.
“Nothing,” Ryan said softly.
“You can tell me, Ryan. I’m your father. I like to know what’s going on in your life.”
“Dad, you’re drunk. Just leave me alone, please.”
“Oh, come on, Ryan. Just tell me why you’re so upset. Maybe I can help you,” his dad said, walking closer to him.
“No, you definitely can’t. Please, dad, just leave me alone.”
“Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
“Because I don’t /want/ to,” Ryan said, getting angry.
“I don’t see why you can’t just tell me. It’s like I don’t even know my own son anymore. You’re never home - you’re always off with that /band/ of yours - and even when you are home, you never talk to me. You’re always off doing something else.”
“No, Dad, /you’re/ always off getting drunk somewhere. What happened to cleaning up, huh? When I left before the tour, you were doing great. Why the sudden relapse?”
“My drinking is non of your business, Ryan.”
“Yeah, well my love life is none of yours,” Ryan spat.
“Oh, so you’re crying and getting all upset over a girl?” Ryan bit his lip, regretting what he had just said.
“Yeah. Yeah, Dad, a girl,” he said.
“Oh, what happened? Did she cheat on you?”
“Um. No.”
“Oh. Well, what’s her name?”
“Peter,” Ryan replied. It’s not like his dad would even remember any of this in a few hours.
“Peter? That’s a funny name for a girl,” his dad said.
“It’s not a girl, Dad.”
“What, so you’re crying over a guy? What, are you gay?” Ryan’s dad said with a laugh as though it were a joke.
“Yeah,” he said, “I am.” Ryan’s dad looked at him funny then broke out in a smile.
“You’re funny, Ryan.” Ryan frowned at his dad.
“I’m being serious. I’m gay. And I have - or…had - a boyfriend. And if you have a problem with that, then that’s just too bad,” Ryan said, looking his father directly in the eyes as he spoke.
“Get out,” Ryan’s dad said, pointing towards the door.
“…What?”
“I said get out. Get out of the house. I’m not gonna have a fag living in /my/ house.” Ryan stared at his father, not moving. “I said GET OUT!” his dad screamed. His father’s sudden explosion caused Ryan to jump and cower for a second, unsure of what his drunken dad would do next. Ryan looked up at him and stared at him hard.
“No,” he said indignantly.
“Get your shit together and get out of my house.”
“No!” Ryan yelled. “You have absolutely no right to kick me out!”
“I’m not gonna tolerate this, Ryan! If you don’t get out, then I’ll just have to make you get out!”
“Fuck you! I’m not leaving!” Ryan yelled, but immediately regretted it. His dad began to charge at him. Ryan immediately scrambled off the bed and to the other side of the room. His dad rushed towards him and before Ryan could get away from him, he grabbed Ryan by the wrist and twisted him around to face him. Ryan grimaced in pain and struggled to free his arm which only made his dad tighten his grip.
“Ow! Fuck! Dad, let go of me!” Ryan yelled.
“Don’t call me ‘Dad’. You’re not my son,” his dad said, his breath reeking of alcohol. “Get out of my house. Now.” He tightened his grip around Ryan’s wrist some more so that Ryan had to squeeze his mouth shit so that he wouldn’t cry out.
“Okay! I’m getting out! Please, just let me go!” Ryan yelled. His dad stared at him some more before releasing his arm and walking out of the room. Ryan held his wrist to chest, trying not to cry from the pain. He looked at it - it was red and already starting to bruise.
“Ryan threw a few of his important belongings into his bag and was out the door in less than ten minutes.
“I never want to see your face around here again!” Ryan’s dad yelled out at him.
“Fine. I won’t come to your funeral when you die of fucking alcoholism!” Ryan screamed back and got into his car, slamming the door shut. He pulled out of the driveway, having no idea where he was going. There was no way he could go back to Spencer’s grandmother’s house. Brent and his whole family were out of town. Brendon was out of town with Audrey. His parents were still at home, but if he went there, Ryan would have to explain /why/ his dad kicked him out. And since the Urie family were devout Mormons and Mormonism is extremely against gay rights, Ryan decided that that probably wouldn’t go over very well. So he drove aimlessly for a while until he pulled into an empty parking lot to think. He pulled out his Sidekick, hoping that someone would be on that he could IM, but nobody was. So, he ended up at LiveJournal. He went to his friends’ page and scrolled through several entries from the Panic! Community, a few from some other people, and then he came across one that caught his attention.
“I thought about it a lot. And you’re right. I’m just running away. I ran away. And oh god, I regret it so fucking much. And the more I think about it, the more I want to believe your story rather than my own. I’m hoping to god that for some reason you decide to come on here soon. Because I’m being too much of a coward to pick up the phone and call you.
I went from hating you to hating her to hating myself. And that’s what I’m stuck on.
I’m in NYC from now until Jan2.
Please reconsider.
iloveyou. nomatterwhat.
-Peter”
Ryan hugged his Sidekick to his chest and squeezed his eyes shut to hold back the massive amount of tears trying to escape. Once he regained himself, he turned on his car and pulled out of the empty parking lot knowing exactly where he was going - to the airport. When he got there, he parked his car in the long-term parking lot, grabbed his bag from the passenger’s seat, and practically ran into the airport. When he got past all the security, he immediately found the place where boarding passes were bought.
“I need to get on the next flight to New York City,” Ryan said to the lady at the computer. She typed some things and then looked up at him.
“The next flight to New York City is in twenty minutes. If you have luggage I would advise you to take the next one which is at…nine p.m.,” she said.
“Nine?! Um…I’ll…I’ll just get the next one,” Ryan said and the lady shrugged and printed his boarding pass. He paid for it and began rushing towards the gates for his plane. He got there with only a few minutes to spare, but pulled out his Sidekick and quickly updated his LiveJournal.
“Hoping that I can turn my worst Christmas into one of the best.
I’m getting on a plane to NYC as I type this. Of course, if this goes how the rest of my day has been going, then the plane will crash, I’ll die, and I’ll never get to see him<3 again. But I’ll try to think positive.
Peace out, motherfuckers.
-Ry”
Ryan boarded his plane on the first call and as soon as he was on the plane and settled, he pulled out his Sidekick again and went to his friends’ page on LiveJournal. The first entry was a new one from Pete.
“the one who i’ve been crying over all day has just made me the happiest man on earth. again.
how long will it be? four hours? too long. they need to make airplanes go faster. and allow sk / cell phone usage. holy shit. i’m stoked.
-peter”
Ryan giggled and quickly updated his journal again.
“I can’t stop smiling now because I know that everything’s going to be alright. 4 more hours until I’m with my baby again. For an entire week. But I have to go now because they’re telling us to turn cell phones off but I love you and I can’t wait to see you.
4 hours.
Everything’s gonna be okay.
-Ry”
When the plane took off, Ryan sat there in anticipation. He had nothing to do to occupy him for the four-hour flight, but he was much too excited to sleep or do anything like that. The plane was showing some silly Christmas movie which Ryan couldn’t concentrate on at all. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the plane landed in New York City. Because of the different time zone, it was only nine in New York. And as soon as cell phone usage on the plane was permitted again, Ryan immediately turned on his Sidekick and went to LiveJournal. Pete had updated twice in the last four hours.
“It kind of makes me laugh that even when we “fight”, we can’t even be “fight”ing for more than 24 hours.
Not that I’m complaining or anything. Fuck no, I’m not complaining. I’m counting down the minutes until you’re here.
4 hours.
240 minutes.
14400 seconds.
Can’t wait.
-Peterrr”
Ryan scrolled back up to read Pete’s most recent update.
“I really wish I knew what airport to pick you up at.”
Ryan quickly updated his journal.
“NY International
Please hurry. I neeeeeed you.
<33333 Ry”
Ryan got off the plane and went to the front of the airport. When he looked outside of the glass door, he saw that it was snowing outside.
“Fuck,” he muttered, realizing that he had no jacket with him at all considering that he hadn’t really planned on leaving the warm state of Nevada when he left his house.
He found a bench and sat down, waiting. He went to Pete’s LiveJournal several times hoping for an update. When he finally did update, Ryan let out a loud squeal which caused several people around him to look at him funny.
“I’m totally on my way. I think I need to find someone else to drive me there. I’m too stoked / hyper / under the influence of…you? I don’t know. But I think I might run someone over. Yeah. Okay. Um…jesus christ (happy bday to him, by the way), I’m so fucking hapy.
Iloveyou x 9486476834875728+
-Peter<3”
Ryan giggled and updated his journal yet again.
“I apologize to lurkers, I really do. But HOLY FUCKING SHIT I GET TO SEE MY BABYYY<33 IN LIKE…I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG BUT…SOON!
-ryanlovespeterlikewhoa”
Ryan closed his Sidekick and waited impatiently for Pete to arrive. He continued to look at the clock what seemed to be every two minutes. Until finally he saw Pete walk through the door followed by two other people who Ryan didn’t bother to really look at. He grabbed his bag and began to run towards Pete. Pete was looking around the airport searching for Ryan and turned to finally see him just as he crashed into him. They didn’t even say anything to each other, the just started kissing each other.
“Baby, I…holy shit…I’m so…..fucking sorry,” Pete said between kisses, tears falling from his eyes.
“No…Pete, baby…/I’m/ sorry!”
“No, baby, it’s my fault…I never should have left.”
Pete and Ryan continued to apologize and kiss each other in the middle of the airport for several minutes.
“Aw, that’s so cute. It’s their first make-up after their first fight,” said a female voice behind them. Ryan and Pete both turned to look at her. It was Alicia Simmons and standing behind her was Mikey Way.
“My car is at home. And Mikey wouldn’t let me borrow him,” Pete explained with a giggle. “He said I was ‘too crazy’.”
“You should have seen him, Ryan. I was seriously worried that he was under the influence of something,” Mikey said with a smile. “If he were to drive, he probably would have ran every stoplight and probably kill some pedestrians.” Ryan and Pete both just smiled and then Ryan kissed him again.
“Oh, by the way, congratulations of your guys’ engagement,” Ryan said to Mikey and Alicia.
“Aw, thanks,” Alicia said with a smile. The four of them stepped out of the airport and outside into the snow. Ryan shivered and Pete looked to him.
“Ryan, baby, do you not have a jacket?” he asked.
“Well…no. When I left my house I didn’t really know that I would end up in New York.”
“Oh. Well, why didn’t you just go back home and get one?”
“Um…I…I couldn’t. My dad kind of…kicked me out,” Ryan said. Pete eyes widened and he looked at Ryan in shock.
“What?! Why?!” Ryan sighed.
“I told him that I’m gay. And…he didn’t like that. And he was drunk. And…he kicked me out and told me that he never wanted to see me again,” Ryan explained.
“Oh my god, baby, I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.”
“No! It’s not!” Ryan said and gave Pete a small kiss. Pete wrapped his arms around Ryan as they walked and gave him a smile.
“I guess I’ll just have to keep you warm tonight,” he said and raised his eyebrows suggestively. Ryan giggled and pressed himself closer against Pete. When they reached the car, Mikey unlocked the doors and Ryan and Pete climbed in the backseat. Mikey got in the driver’s seat, Alicia in the passenger’s and they set off from the airport. Ryan and Pete were snuggled up together in the backseat.
“Baby, I missed you so much today,” Pete whispered into Ryan’s ear. Ryan turned his head to face Pete and pressed his lips against his. Pete wrapped his arms around Ryan tighter, pulling him closer and kissing him harder. Ryan wrapped his arms around Pete’s neck and leaned back on the seat, pulling Pete on top of him.
“Um, do you guys want us to - “ Alicia said, turning around in her seat to face them. “- never mind.” Mikey looked up into the rearview mirror at Ryan and Pete making out in the backseat.
“Please no sex in my car,” he said to them. “Especially while I’m in it.”
“Mhm,” Pete replied to Mikey while still kissing Ryan. Mikey turned up the radio a bit louder as to drown out the heavy breathing and kissing noises from the back seat. Eventually, Alicia turned to look at them again.
“Sorry to uh…interrupt you, but do you guys want us to drop you off at a hotel somewhere? Or you can stay with us again,” she said. Ryan and Pete looked at each other and then at Alicia.
“Hotel,” they said in unison, then giggled and resumed making out.
“The first make-up is always the best. It always leads to the best sex,” Mikey said.
Mikey pulled into a hotel and Ryan and Pete rushed to get out of the car.
“Thank you Mikey. Thank you Alicia. I love you both oh so much. Um. See you around,” Pete said before slamming the car door shut and grabbing Ryan’s hand and rushing towards the hotel entrance. Once they were in, they walked over to the lady at the front desk.
“Um. We uh…we need a room,” Pete said. The lady looked them both over with a frown.
“The only rooms we have available tonight are out suites. And uh…I don’t know if you’d be able to afford that,” she said smugly. Pete frowned.
“Well, how much is it?”
“Fifteen hundred dollars,” the lady said. Pete shrugged and pulled out his wallet.
“Do you take credit card or should I pay in cash?” he asked, pulling several $100-bills out of his wallet. The lady frowned.
“Either one,” she said with a pout. Pete paid, she gave them their key and they set off through the halls to find their room, noticing that there were actually several regular rooms that were vacant.
“That lady probably thinks you’re like, a drug dealer or something,” Ryan said laughing. Pete laughed.
“She was a bitch. She didn’t want us here. Like we would cause a disturbance or something?” Pete said in a sarcastic tone. Ryan giggled and pulled Pete’s face towards his own.
When they found their room, they rushed inside and wasted no time before tearing off their clothes.
“Do you realize that this is the first time that we’ve been truly alone since we’ve been together?” Pete said as he climbed on the bed.
“Is it really?”
“Yeah. Because everywhere else we always had to worry about someone overhearing or walking in. But now…we don’t have to worry about any of that,” he said with a smile. Ryan smiled and climbed on the bed next to Pete. Pete kissed him and rolled himself on top of him. As they kissed each other, Ryan reached down and stroked Pete’s penis making him moan into his mouth.
“Oh god, Peter…I need you so badly right now. Please, just…fuck me,” Ryan whispered. Pete kissed Ryan again and then positioned himself between his legs. He pushed himself into Ryan. Ryan whimpered, thrusting his hips towards Pete, pushing him farther into him. He grabbed at the sheets beneath him and closed his eyes as Pete thrust into him.
“Mm, Pete,” Ryan moaned loudly and rolled them over so that he was on top. He sat up, sliding himself up on Pete’s penis and slamming himself back down. Pete arched his back, grabbing onto Ryan, his eyes rolling back into his head. They finished, screaming each other’s names and collapsed onto the bed.
“I love you, baby,” Pete said softly, breathing heavily.
“I love you, too,” Ryan replied.
“I never want anything like this to ever happen again.”
“Neither do I,” Ryan said, placing a soft kiss on Pete’s lips.
They both put their clothes back on and Pete settled himself at the end of the bed and turned on the television.
“Free HBO,” he said without enthusiasm. Ryan flopped down at the end up the bed next to Pete.
“Ooh! The Notebook’s on! Do you wanna watch The Notebook, Ryan?!” Pete said excitedly.
“Um…sure,” Ryan said. Pete looked at him.
“Sure? Just ‘sure’?! Have you never seen this movie before or something?”
“Uh, no, I haven’t.”
“Holy shit, are you serious?! You’ve never seen The Notebook?! Oh my god, where are the tissues? You’re gonna need them!” Pete said, sitting up and reaching towards a box of tissues on the table next to the bed.
“What? I’m not gonna need tissues. I don’t usually cry during movies,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes.
“You obviously have never seen this movie!”
“Okay, whatever, Pete,” Ryan said.
They watched the movie and towards the end, Ryan was trying hard not to cry. He looked over at Pete who had tears rolling down his cheeks and was staring intently at the television. When the movie was over, Pete immediately turned to face Ryan.
“You have tears in your eyes! You’re so ready to cry!” Pete said. Ryan shook his head.
“No I don’t! No I’m not!”
“Yes you are! Come on, Ry, just let all your emotions out! Just cry!”
“No! I’m not gonna cry! I mean, yeah, it was a sad movie, but - “
“Come on, Ryan, stop being such an ass. Can you please just cry?” Pete asked with complete seriousness which caused Ryan to burst out in a fit of giggles. Pete frowned. “Ryan! I said cry! Not laugh!” Ryan just continued to laugh until Pete pushed his shoulder down back against the bed and he got on top of him, straddling him. Pete leaned down and kissed Ryan, stopping his laughter. And then they removed their clothes again and engaged in sexual activity, after which, they fell asleep. Having not slept much at all the night before and both of them having had a hectic day which involved jet lag, they both slept in until late afternoon the next day. When Pete finally woke up at around three, he gently shook Ryan awake. Ryan’s eyelids fluttered open and he smiled when he saw Pete.
“Morning, baby,” Pete said softly and kissed him. Ryan replied with a yawn.
They both got up and got dressed and then they went out. They took a taxi to a mall so that Ryan could buy a jacket. They got to the mall and went inside. The first store they went in was a Hot Topic and Ryan began to look at a rack holding hoodies. He giggled and pulled out a black Fall Out Boy hoodie.
“I think I should get this one, Petey,” he said, holding it up for Pete to see. Pete smiled.
“I think you should, too. You’d be extremely sexy in it,” Pete said. Ryan smiled and began to walk towards the check-out counter. Pete followed him and almost as soon as they got in the check-out line, a swarm of young girls in their early teens surrounded them.
“Pete! Oh my god, Pete!” they all yelled. Pete gave Ryan a look showing slight annoyance but then smiled and turned to the large group of girls. Pete signed some autographs on shopping bags with a pen and took a few cell phone / Sidekick pictures as Ryan bought his jacket. When Ryan bought his hoodie, he walked over to the corner of the store where Pete had had to relocate due to the fact that he was blocking the checkout-line before. Ryan stepped behind Pete and wrapped his arms around his waist.
“I’m sorry, I’ve gotta go,” Pete said to the group of girls and there was a chorus of upset “aww’s” from all of the girls who hadn’t got to meet Pete yet. Ryan unwrapped his arms from around Pete’s waist and Pete grabbed him by the hand and slowly began to make his way out of the crowd of girls. When they were finally out, they walked towards the exit of the store, half of the girls following closely behind them. And the girls continued to follow them as they made their way through the mall. Pete sighed.
“You know, I don’t know if they’re trying to be stealth or not…but they all need a lesson in stalking,” he said and Ryan giggled a bit.
“I’ve never been stalked before,” Ryan said as they walked into a record store. They looked around the record store for a while, the group of girls following their every move. When they finished looking around, they decided that it would be best if they left the mall considering that the group of stalkers was growing considerably larger by the minute. So they caught a cab and went back to their hotel.

The next morning, Pete and Ryan woke up a little before noon. They both got dressed and went upstairs. Spencer’s aunt, uncle, and two cousins had arrived just an hour or so earlier. Ryan, who had met Spencer’s aunt, uncle, and two cousins before, greeted them politely and Spencer introduced them to Pete.
“Hey! You’re that Fall Out Boy dude! I’ve seen you on MTV before!” Spencer’s thirteen year old cousin, Lance, said. Pete laughed.
“Yeah, that’s me,” he said.
“So Ryan,” Spencer’s aunt said. “Do you have a girlfriend at the moment?”
“Umm…no, I - “
“Oh! Well, you know, Regina, here, turns eighteen next week and she just broke up with he last boyfriend last month and - “
“Mom, stop!” Spencer’s cousin, Regina, whispered out of the corner of her mouth, but then turned to smile at Ryan, flipping her long, brown hair over her shoulder. Ryan shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
“Um…I’m not really looking for a - “
“Oh, nonsense! I truly believe, Ryan, that you and Regina would make a fine couple!” Spencer’s aunt said, smiling.
“Umm…I uh…I’m sorry, but uh…” Ryan stuttered, not making eye contact with either Regina or her mother. Out of the corner of his eye, Ryan saw Spencer’s mother shaking her head violently at her sister. Spencer’s aunt just rolled her eyes.
“Mom, can you just stop, please” Regina said sharply.
“But Regina, honey, I know how much you like Ryan - I mean, the last time you saw him you wouldn’t stop talking about him for days. I’m just trying to help you out, here!” she said. Ryan stared down at the ground, his cheeks growing warm from both embarrassment and discomfort. He looked up for a second and made brief eye-contact with Regina who looked equally - if not more - embarrassed than he did. Spencer’s grandmother chuckled from the other end of the table that they were sitting at.
“Honey, stop embarrassing the poor kids,” she said to Spencer’s aunt. “Ryan doesn’t have a girlfriend. He has a boyfriend,” she said with a smile. Spencer’s aunt looked at Ryan, looking as though someone had just slapped her in the face. And then she looked at Pete. And then back at Ryan. And then Pete again.
“…Oh,” she finally said. Ryan looked up at Regina again who looked as though she was ready to cry.
“Wait! So Ryan’s going out with the Fall Out Boy dude?” Lance yelled out. Regina reached out and hit her brother on the back of his head.
“Shut UP, Lance! You’re /so/ rude!”
“Ow! That hurt, Regina! And I’m not rude!”
“Yes you are! That’s so rude what you just asked! That’s absolutely /none/ of your business!”
“It was just a question! I just wanted to know!”
“Welcome to the Smith family Christmas,” Spencer said softly to Ryan and Pete.

Later that day, Spencer’s parents, aunt, uncle, and grandmother decided to go out and finish up some last-minute Christmas shopping, leaving Spencer, Ryan, Pete, Regina, and Lance alone in the house. They all sat around in the living room, an awkward silence filling the room.
“So uh…you’re in Fall Out Boy, right?” Lance said, trying to make conversation.
“Um, yeah, I am,” Pete replied.
“So you’re like…famous.”
“Uhh, yeah, I guess you could say that,” Pete said.
“And you guys are like, becoming famous,” Lance said to Spencer and Ryan.
“Umm…sort of,” Spencer said to his cousin.
“No, yeah, they’re definitely becoming famous. They’re gonna be on TR-fuckin’-L next month,” Pete said, smiling.
“You said the ‘F’ word,” Lance said.
“Shut up, Lance. You’re thirteen years old. You’ve heard the word ‘fuck’ before,” Regina said to Lance bitterly. Lance frowned at her.
“You’re just upset because the dude you like would rather be with another dude than you!” Lance sneered.
“SHUT UP, Lance!” Regina yelled with a pout. Spencer looked to Ryan, trying not to laugh.
The rest of the afternoon went by just as awkwardly and boring until the parents/grandparent got back. And Spencer’s mother declared that it was time to make Christmas cookies. Spencer’s father and uncle groaned about this for a while and then went into the living room to watch football instead. Pete was absolutely ecstatic about cookie-making and immediately jumped up to help Spencer’s mother.
They started making cookies using cookie-cutters to cut Christmas shapes out of cookie dough. After a while, everyone had cut out at least one perfect cookie except for Ryan whose kept falling apart and he started getting extremely frustrated. Pete noticed Ryan’s frustration and let out a small giggle.
“Baby, you’re doing it wrong,” he said as he cut out yet another perfect cookie from the cookie dough. Ryan frowned and threw his cookie-cutter down onto the table.
“How am I doing it wrong?!” Ryan demanded. Pete smiled, standing up and walked behind Ryan and standing behind him.
“Look at how thin you’re making this cookie dough. How do you expect the Christmas tree to stay together when the dough is this thin?” he said, referring to the Christmas tree cookie-cutter Ryan was using. Pete reached from around Ryan and balled up the dough that Ryan was cutting from. Then he grabbed a rolling pin from the side of the table and handed it to Ryan. Ryan took hold of it, then Pete reached around Ryan again and placed his hands over his on the rolling pin. Pete helped Ryan roll out the cookie dough. Ryan looked up at Pete, smiling, and Pete kissed the top of his forehead. Pete helped Ryan /finally/ cut out a cookie after which Ryan thanked him with a long, passionate kiss which was interrupted by a loud cough from Spencer. When Ryan and Pete pulled away from each other, Lance was staring at them and Regina looked like she was ready to cry again.
They continued to make cookies and when they were finished, they all helped to clean up. Ryan looked over at Pete and let out a small giggle.
“Pete…you got flour /all/ over your jacket,” he said with a giggle. “You look like a coke addict.” Pete looked down at his jacket and shrugged.
“Maybe I /am/ a coke addict. And that /is/ cocaine,” he said. Lance apparently thought that this was hilarious and began laughing extremely loud. Pete then picked up a small amount of flour and then reached over to Ryan and smeared it onto his nose.
“Who looks like a coke addict now?” Pete said with a smirk. Ryan just smiled and reached out for a handful of flour and smeared it all down Pete’s face. Pete spit out a mouthful of flour and grabbed an even larger handful of flour and held it directly over Ryan’s head.
“Pete, no!” he said. Pete just smirked and opened his hand letting flour fall into Ryan’s head. “You asshole,” Ryan muttered. Then he stood up, grabbing some flour frantically and threw it at Pete. However, Ryan missed Pete and the flour landed all over Spencer.
“Hey!” Spencer yelled out, wiping flour from his shoulder.
“Sorry Spencer! I didn’t mean to!” Ryan said,
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. You /will/ be sorry,” Spencer said, standing up and grabbing for some flour. And then a flour fight broke out and everyone was throwing flour at each other, running around the kitchen, yelling, laughing, and making a complete mess. Pete and Spencer were both running after Ryan with handfuls of flour. Ryan ran and turned to corner the table but slipped on the flour-covered floor. He reached out for Regina to help regain balance, but ended up pulling her down with him. She screamed and landed on the floor in an awkward sitting position, Ryan on his side next to her, his hands wrapped around one of her arms. He immediately scrambled to get back up on his feet, but fell back down on his ass. Spencer ran over to where Ryan was sitting and picked up the entire bag of flour.
“Spencer! No! You wouldn’t!” Ryan gasped out. Spencer chuckled and turned the bag of flour over onto Ryan’s head and all over the floor and Regina as well. Ryan shook his head violently, shaking the flour out of his eyes. He jumped to his feet, scooping up some flour from the floor and dropped it onto Spencer’s head. Pete ran up behind Ryan and let more flour fall onto his head. Ryan quickly turned around, prepared to attack Pete but was stopped by a voice from the door of the kitchen.
“What is going on in here?!” Spencer’s mother cried out. All five of them turned to look at her. “What did you do in here?! There’s flour EVERYWHERE!” she yelled. They looked around and it was true - the entire kitchen was practically covered in flour.
“Um…mom! What happened…see, it uh…I…”
“No, I don’t want any excuses. Just clean it up. Now,” Spencer’s mother said and turned and left the kitchen. Spencer, Ryan, Pete, Regina, and Lance all looked at each other for a second and then Pete started laughing setting them all off in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
“Um…I’ll go get some brooms,” Spencer said after their laughter had died down. Spencer left the room and came back shortly with three brooms. He handed two of them to Pete and Ryan and then instructed his cousins on what to do.
“Okay, you two, just…get a ran and clean off the table and counters. If there’s excess flour, just knock it off to the floor,” he said and they both nodded. The five of them went to work cleaning up the kitchen. It took them about an hour to get it back to how it was. They were all sweaty and still covered in flour. Pete collapsed into one of the chairs at the table and let out a loud yawn.
“I’m so not used to doing that kind of work,” he said. Ryan giggled and collapsed onto Pete’s lap, resting his head on his shoulder.
After the kitchen was completely and totally clean, they all felt the need to shower and get all of the flour off them. Spencer and his cousins took turns using the shower downstairs and Ryan and Pete occupied the upstairs shower for a very long time. When they got out of the show, Spencer’s mother and aunt were both working on preparing dinner and Spencer, Lance and Regina were sitting in the living room watching reruns of FRIENDS on TV.
“That was a really long shower,” Lance said to them when they came in. Regina glared at her brother and Spencer laughed a little bit.
“And let’s /not/ ask why,” Spencer said with a laugh and Ryan giggled. Pete sat down on the couch and pulled Ryan by the waist onto his lap. Pete nuzzled his face into the crook of Ryan’s shoulder. Regina shot Pete an evil glare and then looked away from the couple looking disgusted.
That night, Spencer, Ryan, Pete, Regina, and Lance were rushed off to bed before midnight so that “Santa could come”. Shortly after Ryan had fallen asleep, he was shaken awake again. He snapped open his eyes letting them adjust to the dark before he could see the figure in front of him.
“Get up,” Regina whispered to him. Ryan blinked a few times trying to make sure that he was actually awake. “I said get up!” Regina whispered again. Ryan sat up.
“What?!” he whispered back.
“You heard me! Get up!” she whispered harshly.
“Regina…what…what’s going on?” Regina let out a loud sigh.
“Just get up, would you, Ryan?” Ryan looked at Pete lying next to him, hoping that he would wake up but he didn’t. Ryan carefully removed Pete’s arm from around his waist.
“I…I’m not wearing any clothes!” Ryan whispered to Regina. Regina sighed loudly again. Then she picked up a pair of boxers from the floor and threw them at Ryan. Ryan picked them up from his lap and looked at them.
“These aren’t mine but whatever,” he said and quickly put them on under the blankets. He got out of bed and Regina quickly began walking towards the stairs.
“Regina, what’s going on?” Ryan asked, following her.
“Just shut up, would you?” she said harshly. Ryan followed her up the stairs, out of the basement, and into the living room.
“Close the door,” Regina said to Ryan. He obeyed, closing the door, but leaving it open a crack. “Turn the light on,” Regina said. And Ryan obeyed. Regina was standing close to him, staring at him.
“Um…Regina, what is this all - “
“Would you just shut up and let me talk?!” Regina cut in. Ryan stopped talking and stared at Regina. “You aren’t really gay, are you?”
“What?!” Ryan said, almost laughing at how ridiculous this was.
“You aren’t. It’s all just a scheme of yours. It’s all planned. It’s bullshit,” she said aggressively.
“Regina, what are you talking about?!”
“How long have I known you, Ryan? A couple years? You’re basically part of the family so I’ve gotten to know you pretty well. And I know you, Ryan. You’re too nice to just come out and tell me that you don’t like me the way that I like you. You don’t want to tell me that I’m disgusting and repulsive. So you pretend to be gay just so I won’t like you anymore. Am I right?!”
“Um…no. Regina, I /am/ gay. Pete’s my boyfriend - “
“Don’t lie to me, Ryan! I’m not stupid. You just got Pete to /pretend/ that he’s your boyfriend. And neither of you are doing a very good job at pretending, either. Sure, you’ll kiss each other in front of people, but, honestly, what couple is /that/ open and all over each other /all/ the time?! It’s totally put on! It’s bullshit!”
“Um…I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but when you woke me up, did you /not/ notice that I was in bed with Pete? Without clothes on?!”
“Planned,” Regina said simply. “You don’t want your cover to be busted. But that’s just too bad because I figured you out, Ryan,” Regina said. Ryan said.
“Look, is this all you woke me up for? Because if it is, then I’d really like to go back to bed now.” Regina glared at Ryan and then covered her face with her hands before breaking out with loud, overdramatic sobs.
“I’m so stupid!” she wailed.
“Regina!…shh!” Ryan whispered.
“Ryan…hold me!”
“…what?!”
“I SAID HOLD ME!” Regina yelled. Ryan bit his lip, hoping that Regina didn’t wake anyone up, but at the same time hoping that she did so that someone would come save him from this. He stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her awkwardly. She buried her face in his shoulder and cried some more. He patted her back awkwardly. She looked up at him for a second and Ryan noticed that she had no tears in her eyes or on her face at all. Regina looked at the door and then back at Ryan and before Ryan knew it, Regina pulled his face towards hers and was kissing him. Just as Ryan was about to push her away, Regina pushed /him/ away, knocking him back with so much force that he stumbled back a few steps.
“Ryan! What the hell are you doing?!” she yelled at him. Ryan shot her an extremely confused look.
“Why would you kiss me, Ryan?! You have a boyfriend!” she yelled. Ryan just stared at her, both shocked and confused, then looked towards the door. Pete was standing in the arch of the door staring at Ryan in complete disbelief.
“Pete! I…this…you…this isn’t what it looks like!” Ryan stuttered. Pete stared at him, shaking his head, then turned around and walked away. “Peter, wait!” Ryan yelled, running after him. He turned to look back at Regina who was smiling and looking very pleased with herself. Ryan shook his head, then turned again to run after Pete. He ran down the stairs to the basement and when he got there, Pete had his bag open on the bed and was throwing his clothes into it.
“Pete, what are you doing? Please…stop!” Ryan said. Pete didn’t say anything to him. He just continued throwing his clothes into his bag, stopping occasionally to wipe at his eyes.
“Peter, please, would you just stop?!” Ryan yelled. Pete threw something into his bag aggressively then turned to look at Ryan.
“What were you thinking, Ryan?!” Pete yelled.
“Pete, I didn’t kiss her!”
“So your lips just happened to fall on hers?!”
“No! Pete! /She/ kissed /me/!”
“Whatever, Ryan,” Pete said, zipping up his bag viciously and throwing it over his shoulder.
“Peter! Please, just stop! Let me explain!” Ryan yelled as Pete began storming towards the stairs.
“What is there to explain, Ryan?! I think what I saw pretty much explains everything I need to know!” he said, storming up the stairs.
“No! Pete! That /isn’t/ what happened! Would you just stop and let me explain?!”
“No. Just forget it, Ryan,” Pete said, walking into the kitchen, Ryan closely behind him. Ryan stomped his feet out of frustration.
“Pete! Please! Listen to me! Why would I want to kiss her?!” Ryan yelled out, hot tears flowing from his eyes.
“I don’t know, Ryan! Why would you?!” Pete looked around the kitchen frantically for a second and then found what he was looking for. He pulled out a yellow pages phone book and threw it on the table and began flipping through it.
“Peter, what are you doing?!”
“I’m calling for a taxi,” Pete muttered.
“Pete! It’s four in the morning on Christmas! Don’t leave!” Ryan begged. Pete shook his head and turned to face Ryan.
“What am I supposed to do, Ryan?! How do you expect me to react when I wake up in the middle of the night to see my boyfriend going upstairs with a girl and then I find him kissing her?!”
“Wait. So you followed me?!”
“Yes, I followed you, Ryan! I wake up and see you leaving with /her/ and I want to know what’s going on!”
“Are you saying that you didn’t trust me?!” Ryan yelled. Pete let out a loud, forced laugh.
“Even if I did, I don’t now!”
“You don’t even know what happened! Maybe if you’d stop being so fucking stubborn for one second I could explain!” Pete slammed shut the phone book and stared hard at Ryan.
“Fine! Explain away, Ryan!” Pete yelled. Ryan sighed.
“Regina…she…she came and woke me up and - “
“And you came with her upstairs? Real smart, Ry,” Pete cut in bitterly.
“Would you please not interrupt me?!”
“Whatever. Go on,” Pete said and opened the phone book again.
“She…she brought me out here and…and started going on about how I was faking being gay just so she wouldn’t like me or something like that and then she kissed me and - “
“From what I saw, /you/ kissed her,” Pete spat. Ryan let out a noise of frustration and slammed his hand on the table.
“You aren’t listening to me, are you?! You’re so stuck on what /you/ saw!”
“Look, Ryan…how would /you/ react if you saw /me/ kissing some girl?! No matter who kissed who. Just think about that,” Pete said, pulling out his Sidekick from his pocket and dialing one of the numbers in the phone book. Ryan collapsed into one of the chairs at the table.
“Pete…I…/please/ don’t leave,” he said in a weak voice. Pete talked into his Sidekick for a minute before hanging it up. He looked at Ryan, his eyes full of tears.
“/Please/, Peter,” Ryan whispered, tears falling down his cheeks. Pete just shook his head.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. But I /really/ can’t stay here,” Pete said softly.
“Pete! Please! You’re leaving and you barely even know what even happened!” Ryan yelled, standing up again.
“I know enough to know that I don’t want to be around you right now.” Ryan let out another loud noise of frustration and grabbed Pete by the shirt, forcing him to look at him.
“Pete, why are you doing this?!”
“Why am /I/ doing this?! Ryan, are you fucking oblivious to everything that happened?! You left me no choice but to leave right now!” Ryan pushed Pete away and looked away.
“No, Pete, it’s not that you have to leave. You’re just running away. Because that’s what you do. You run away from things, Peter. And that’s what you’re doing now. You’re running away.”
“…what’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you’re afraid, Pete! You’re afraid to be proven wrong. But you’re even more afraid to be proven right. So you’re just gonna run away not knowing what really happened because you don’t want to know. You just want to be stuck on what you /think/ happened.:
“……Fuck you, Ryan,” Pete said, softly.
“I’m right, aren’t I?! I’m right and you just don’t want to admit it!”
“Maybe you are! I don’t know!” Pete yelled. And then they were silent.
“Don’t leave, Pete,” Ryan whispered. “I…I love you.” Pete was silent and he stared out the window.
“It’s too late for that, Ryan,” he said as a pair of headlights pulled into the driveway. Pete threw his bag over his shoulder and began to walk towards the door.
“Pete! Please! Stop!” Ryan yelled, running after him and crying. Pete stopped at the door and looked back at Ryan again.
“Don’t bother coming to New York next week,” he said and walked out the door. Ryan followed him.
“Peter! Don’t! Please! Don’t leave me!” Ryan yelled, then got choked up from tears. He collapsed onto the doorstep, knowing that his attempts to stop Pete were pointless. Pete looked back at Ryan again before getting into the taxi. Ryan watched at the taxi - blurred from tears - pulled out of the driveway and drove away. Ryan buried his face into his knees and sobbed into them. He was crying so hard that he eventually began coughing violently. He fell onto his knees and crawled over to the edge of the driveway and began to vomit into the grass. He was on his hands and knees throwing up and when he finished, he fell back so that he was sitting on his feet and he wrapped his arms across his bare chest, holding onto his arms. He shook from crying, cold, and having just vomited. He sat like that for only a few minutes when the outside light flicked on and Spencer came outside wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.
“Ryan, what’s going on?!” Spencer asked, rushing towards his friend. Ryan sat there, silent and shivering. “Ryan?!”
“P-Pete……left,” Ryan choked out and started sobbing harder. Spencer didn’t say anything, he just looked at Ryan in shock.
“Come on, Ryan, we need to get you inside,” Spencer said softly, bending over to grab Ryan by the arm. Ryan stood up shakily, but then fell back down onto his knees. Spencer helped him back up, wrapping Ryan’s arm around his neck, and Spencer walked him inside and down to the basement. Spencer helped him back into bed and when he was sure that he was okay, he left him crying into his pillow. Ryan eventually cried himself to sleep and woke up only a few hours later. When he woke up, he barely remembered anything that had happened the night before, but he remembered the second he looked at the empty space in the bed which set him off crying again. A few hours later, there was a soft knock on the door and Spencer came downstairs. Ryan looked up at him.
“Um…do you uh…do you want to come upstairs for a while? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but uh, you have Christmas presents and stuff,” Spencer said to him softly. Ryan just shook his head, hugging a pillow to his chest. Spencer sighed.
“Alright,” he said, and left the basement. A few more hours passed and finally Ryan decided to go upstairs. Spencer and his family were all sitting in the living room. Ryan silently walked towards the door but didn’t go in.
“I really wish he would come upstairs. I’m worried about him,” he heard Spencer’s mother say.
“Me too,” Spencer said softly.
“What happened anyways?” Lance asked.
“I’m not really sure. I heard them yelling last night for a while. And then when I came downstairs I found Ryan outside in a total mess and he said that Pete left,” Spencer said.
“I heard them yelling, too, but I didn’t really think much of it,” Spencer’s mother said.
“I think we all heard them yelling,” Spencer’s aunt said. Ryan peered around the side of the door into the living room and saw Regina on the couch playing with a new Sidekick that she had most likely gotten for Christmas. Her face showed no trace of guilt at all. Ryan sighed and walked into the living room. Spencer’s family immediately fell silent and watched Ryan as he made his way across the living room and slumped down on the couch, bringing his knees to his chest.
“Ryan! Honey! I’m glad you finally decided to come upstairs and join us,” Spencer’s mother said with a sympathetic smile. Ryan gave her a tiny smile but didn’t say anything. It was obvious that no one really knew what to say to him or around him so the room stayed silent.
“Um, Ryan, you have some presents under the tree,” Spencer’s mom said and got up and walked towards the Christmas tree. She picked up a few unopened presents and brought them over to Ryan.
“Thanks,” he said softly. He picked up one of the small packages but stopped when Regina’s new Sidekick started playing a ringtone at full volume. The ringtone that she was playing was Fall Out Boy’s “Dance, Dance”. Everyone looked up at her and then at Ryan.
“Oh…sorry,” Regina said with a smile and then looked at Ryan with a smirk. Ryan bit down on his quivering lip and looked down at the ground, not wanting to start crying in front of Spencer’s whole family. He blinked several times trying to stop the tears from forming in his eyes. But he couldn’t stop himself from crying. He set down the Christmas present that he was holding and stood up. He walked across the room keeping his face towards the ground and he rushed out of the room crying - mostly out of anger at Regina. All of this was her fault and Ryan hated her for it. As soon as Ryan was out of the living room, he leaned back against the wall next to the doorway.
“Why the hell did you just do that, Regina?!” Ryan heard Spencer say angrily.
“I said I was sorry,” Regina said in a sickly sweet voice.
“Psh, no you’re not. You’re practically jumping for joy because of this whole thing,” Spencer replied bitterly and then walked out of the living room, coming face-to-face with Ryan.
“Ryan! Oh, I didn’t know that you were out here,” Spencer said. Ryan grabbed Spencer by the elbow and began to drag him towards the basement door.
“I need to talk to you, Spence,” Ryan said softly through his tears. Ryan led Spencer down to the basement and when they got down there, they both sat down on the bed. Ryan looked up at Spencer tearfully and took a deep, shaky breath before talking.
“R-Regina…,” Ryan said. “It…it’s her fault.”
“What?!” Spencer said, disbelievingly.
“She…she brought me upstairs and…and she kissed me and Pete saw and though that I kissed her because she made it look that way and it’s all her fault, Spencer! It’s all her fault! I hate her, Spencer! I hate her!” Ryan yelled as he continued to cry. Spencer stared at Ryan in complete shock, then shook his head.
“I can’t believe her. Fucking bitch,” Spencer said. Ryan started crying even harder.
“I hate her!” Ryan wailed. Spencer sighed and stood up from the bed.
“I’ll be right back,” he said and walked upstairs and out of the basement. And when he returned, Regina was following him with a look of complete innocence on her face. Ryan looked up at her, glaring.
“So, Regina, Ryan told me was happened last night and why Pete left. Is it true?” Spencer asked. Regina gave him a fake look of confusion and shook her head.
“I had nothing to do with it,” she said. Ryan glared at her harder.
“Are you kidding me?! You have everything to do with it, you fucking bitch! I hate you!” Ryan exploded.
“Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ryan, but I did nothing to cause you and that Pete dude to break up. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” Regina said with a shrug. Ryan balled his hands into fists, using every inch of his strength to not attack Regina right now. But at the moment, there was nothing he’d rather do than to cause her as much pain as physically possible.
“Bullshit,” Ryan spat at her. “You planned the whole thing, didn’t you?”
“What? Why would you accuse me of something like that?!”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Ryan muttered, shaking his head.
“Regina, can you stop acting so innocent for two seconds? We’re not stupid,” Spencer said to his cousin. Regina pouted.
“Fine. Yeah, I planned everything. Yeah, I dragged Ryan upstairs with me. And yes, Pete saw Ryan kissing me - “
“Excuse me?! I didn’t kiss you! /You/ kissed /me/! I would never even /think/ about kissing /you/!” Ryan yelled. Regina glared at him.
“Oh, right,” she said, “I forgot - you’re a fag.” Ryan leapt up from where he was sitting on the bed, ready to attack Regina without thinking at all. Spencer stopped him - only because he had to. He stepped in front of Ryan just as Regina let out an ear-piercing scream.
“Regina, shut up!” Spencer yelled at her. She stopped screaming and closed her mouth and looked up the stairs to the basement door. And almost as if cued, Regina’s mother ran into the basement.
“What’s going on down here?!” she shrieked. And Regina suddenly burst into a fit of fake tears.
“Mom!” she cried out. “Ryan was going to attack me!”
“What?!” Spencer’s aunt yelled, looking at Ryan. Spencer was standing by Ryan with his hand on his shoulder. Ryan was breathing heavily and his hands were still balled into fists. Ryan looked to Regina’s mother and then at Regina.
“I need to get out of here. I need to go home,” Ryan said. Spencer nodded understandingly.
“Why did you try to attack my daughter?!” Spencer’s aunt demanded. Ryan looked up at her again.
“Because she fucking ruined my life,” he said. “Not like I could have really hurt you anyways. Hell, I’m just a scrawny /fag/,” he added, throwing emphasis on the word ‘fag’. Regina glared at him and then stomped up the stairs and out of the basement.
Ryan packed up his stuff and apologized to Spencer’s family (excluding Regina and her mother) for leaving early, thanked Spencer’s grandmother for letting him stay, and said goodbye to everyone (excluding Regina and her mother), and then Spencer drove him back to his house.
“I’m really sorry about…all of this, Spencer,” Ryan said.
“I’m sorry about my bitch of a cousin,” he replied. Ryan sighed.
“It’s not your fault,” he said, looking down. Silence.
“I have a feeling…that everything’s gonna turn out to be okay. With you and Pete, I mean.” Ryan sighed again.
“I hope so.”

The snow continued to fall throughout the night and by morning, the entire ground had turned white. When Pete woke up, he looked out the window and immediately shook Ryan awake.
“Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! It snowed /so/ much!” Pete said excitedly. Ryan sat up, rubbing his eyes.
“That’s great, Pete,” he said unenthusiastically.
“Come on, Ryan! Get up! Let’s go outside!” Pete said, bouncing on his knees next to Ryan on the bed. Ryan groaned and fell back on the bed. “Aw! Come on, Ryannn!” Pete said. Ryan smiled, then reached up and grabbed the neck of Pete’s shirt.
“You’re cute when you pout,” he said before pulling Pete towards him and kissing him.
Ryan got out of bed and he and Pete both got dressed and piled on jackets before going outside in the snow. Pete ran out the door, dragging Ryan by the hand behind him. Almost as soon as they were outside, Pete’s Sidekick began to ring. He pulled his Sidekick out of his pocket and looked at the number. He shrugged, not recognizing the number and pressed the speakerphone button.
“Hello?”
“So you’ve been in Chicago for nearly two days now and you haven’t found the time to call me?” a familiar voice said through the phone.
“Beckett!” Pete squealed. “I’m sorry! I’ve been busy!”
“It’s okay, I was just joking,” William Beckett said on the other end. “So, what are you doing right now?”
“Um, I’m outside playing in the snow with Ryan.”
“Ryan like, Ryan Ross, like, your /boyfriend/ Ryan?”
“Yes, that Ryan. And I’m guessing that you talked to someone recently who told you about me and Ryan,” Pete laughed.
“Yes, Patrick called me last night and told me all about that. But anyways, I’m like, ten minutes away from Wilmette right now, so if you and Ryan are up to it, we can like, hang out or something,” William said. Pete looked up to Ryan to get his opinion. Ryan nodded, smiling.
“Yeah, sure, that’d be awesome. Do you wanna just come to my parents’ house or do you wanna meet up somewhere?”
“I’ll come to your house,” he said.
“Alright. You remember how to get here?”
“Yeah. Um, I’ll see you in about fifteen minutes.”
“Alright, bye,” Pete said and hit the end button.
Pete and Ryan busied themselves with a playful snowball fight and had just began making snow angels when a car pulled into the driveway. Pete and Ryan both jumped to their feet at the sight of it. They quickly walked over to the car as its door opened and a tall, thin man stepped out.
“William!” Pete and Ryan both yelled out. William smiled and outstretched both of his arms and embraced both of them.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you guys,” William said. “How was the rest of the tour?”
“It was awesome,” Pete said.
“Yeah, I’m /sure/ it was,” William said with a smile.
“What do you mean by that?” Ryan asked.
“Oh…nothing,” William said, still smiling. “So what are we doing out here, huh? Building a snowman? Having a snowball fight?”
“Do you want to build a snowman?!” Pete asked, excitedly.
“Hell yeah! I’m the best snowman-builder /ever/!” William exclaimed. Ryan and Pete laughed and then the three of them walked over to a large patch of untouched snow. William reached down and picked up a handful of snow, then let it fall between his gloved fingers before reaching down again and using both hands to pick up a pile of snow. He began patting the snow, forming it into a ball and Pete and Ryan both picked up some snow and did the same.
“So Pete,” William said while still patting the snow, “when do you go back on tour?”
“Well, we play a few shows in a couple weeks, and after that, nothing until March,” Pete said.
“And for you, you have nothing until our tour, right?” William said to Ryan. Ryan nodded. “So, you have off while Pete has to go play some shows, then when Pete’s off you have to go on Truckstops and as soon as that’s over, Pete goes back on tour?” Pete and Ryan looked at each other while they thought about that and then they both nodded.
“Yeah, I think that’s about right,” Pete said.
“So you guys won’t have time off together until, like…when?”
“Um…May? That’s when Black Clouds And Underdogs ends..” Pete said. Then Ryan shook his head.
“We’re going to the UK in May. So it would be after that…like, June,” Ryan said.
“Wow…that’s like…six months…” Pete said, sounding really upset.
“Yeah…” Ryan said, sounding equally upset.
“Well, it’s not like you won’t be able to see each other!” William said, obviously trying to cheer them up. “I mean, it’s not like you’ll both be on separate tours at the same time. So you can visit each other and stuff.”
“Yeah, that’s true…” Ryan said.
They continued to work on their snowman for about an hour until finally they finished. They all stood back and admired their work - a lumpy, lopsided and discombobulated stack of three balls of snow. Pete frowned and looked at William.
“I thought you said that you were the best snowman-builder ever?” he said.
“Well…” William said, smiling.
“Well?”
“Well, I lied, okay?” William said and all three of them started laughing.
“Asshole,” Pete said and scooped some snow up from the ground and flung it straight at William. The loose snow hit him right in the face. William stared at Pete, his mouth open in mock-shock. He wiped the snow off of his face and then reached down to the ground, grabbing a handful of snow and throwing it at Pete. Pete dodged it so it only brushed his shoulder. And then a full out snowball fight broke out. At first, it was just Pete against William and then Ryan joined in on William’s side against Pete.
“Hey! That’s not fair! You have two people!” Pete complained. Ryan just shrugged and threw a snowball straight at Pete. “And why are you against me? I’m your boyfriend! You should be with me!” he yelled as the snowball hit him in the chest. They ran around some more throwing snowballs at each other, the majority of them hitting Pete.
“Ryan!” William called from behind him. Ryan turned around to look at him, but was struck in the shoulder with a snowball. Ryan stared at William who was laughing and holding another ball of snow which he immediately threw at Ryan.
“Oh, how the tables have turned,” Pete said from behind Ryan and then launched a snowball at him.
“William, you traitor!” Ryan yelled and then started running, dodging snowballs thrown by both Pete and William. Now Ryan was getting the majority of the snowballs thrown at him. Soon, Ryan had pretty much given up trying to hit Pete and William with snowballs and was now focusing on running away, trying not to get hit. Ryan ran around the corner of the house, out of breath from both running and laughing. He leaned against the side of the house, trying to catch his breath, then he reached down for a handful of snow. Just as he did that, Pete ran around the same corner and came face-to-face with Ryan. He smiled and then threw a handful of snow into Ryan’s face just as Ryan threw the handful of snow that he had in Pete’s face. Then they both took off running, Pete chasing after Ryan. Ryan turned around to look at Pete and was running backwards. Pete smiled then sped up so that he was only inches away from Ryan and then reached out and pushed Ryan’s shoulders. Right before he fell, Ryan grabbed Pete’s arms so that Pete fell down with him. They landed on the ground, Ryan on his back, Pete on top of him. They were both laughing and completely out of breath. Neither of them moved until finally both of their laughter died down and Ryan grabbed the hood of Pete’s jacket roughly and pulled it towards his face, kissing Pete. And then they were making out, lying in the snow until they heard a voice above them.
“So I’m guessing this means that the snowball fight is over?” William asked, slight amusement in his tone. Pete looked up at William, smiling.
“Yeah, I think so,” he said.
“I’m pretty sure that my ass is completely soaked,” Ryan said.
Pete got off of Ryan and then helped Ryan off the ground and the three of them walked around to the front of the house and went inside. Pete and Ryan both changed into dry, warm clothes, but since William didn’t have extra clothes and was both too skinny and too tall to fit into anything of Pete’s or Ryan’s, he was stuck in his wet clothes.
Pete, Ryan, and William all sat on the couch in front of the television and covered themselves with several blankets. Pete was leaned up against one of the couch, Ryan leaning against him, resting his head on Pete’s chest. William was on the other side of the couch, curled up with a blanket. Pete turned on the television and flipped through the channels for a while.
“Hey, go back!” Ryan said to Pete when he flipped past MTV.
“No,” Pete said, smiling embarrassedly.
“Oh, come on, Pete. Just go back,” William said. Pete pouted for a second and then flipped down through the channels onto MTV which was playing Fall Out Boy’s “Dance, Dance” video.
“Aww, look! It’s nerdy Petey!” Ryan said, looking up at his boyfriend, smiling.
“I think it’s funny that you’re with a girl in this video,” William said to Pete. Pete smiled and shrugged.
“Yeah, she was kind of gross,” he said.
“Bad kisser?” Ryan asked.
“Horrible. Disgusting. Awful,” Pete said, looking down at Ryan on his chest. “You’re /so/ much better,” he said, leaning his head down slightly, Ryan lifting his upwards towards Pete and he kissed him. William cleared his throat loudly and Pete and Ryan broke away from each other.

After William left, later in the night, Pete and Ryan went up to Pete’s room and engaged in sexual activity after which they laid in Pete’s bed and soon feel asleep.
The days went on and they day of Ryan’s departure to go back to Vegas grew closer and closer. The morning of the last day of Ryan’s stay, they woke up and just laid in bed together for a while.
“I don’t want you to leave tomorrow,” Pete said.
“I don’t want to leave tomorrow,” Ryan frowned.
“You have /no/ idea how much I’ll miss you…” Pete said and Ryan curled up closer to him.
“I hate this. Seriously. We have no idea when we’ll get to see each other again and this is the last full day we have together and I DON’T want to be away from you and this sucks so bad!” Ryan said, tears coming to his eyes.
“Baby, it’ll be okay,” Pete said, but not sounding very convincing. He sighed. “I just wish we could at least spend Christmas together. But that’s pretty much impossible…”
“I hate this, Pete. I hate it,” Ryan said softly. Pete reached to Ryan’s face and wiped a tear from his cheek.
The rest of the day was spent pretty much the same way, just lying around in each other’s arms, dreading the next day. That night when they got into bed, they took off their clothes almost silently, both of them knowing that this would be their last night together for a really long time. Ryan climbed on top of Pete and with his hands on Pete’s stomach for support, he slid himself down onto Pete, letting out a shaky moan feeling Pete inside of him. Pete moaned and squirmed beneath him, thrusting himself farther into Ryan. Ryan closed his eyes and bit down on his lip. Pete grabbed Ryan by his waist as Ryan moved up and down on Pete’s erection. When they were done, they laid there, naked and sweaty. Ryan rested his head on Pete’s chest as Pete twirled a strand of Ryan’s hair between his fingers. Ryan looked up at his lover, his eyes full of sadness and Pete sighed.
“It’s not gonna be the same around here or on tour without you,” he whispered.
“This is gonna suck.”
“We’ll still have phones and internet and stuff but….”
“It won’t be the same,” Ryan said, softly. They laid in silence for a while.
“I don’t deserve you, Ryan. I really don’t. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve never loved someone so much who actually loved me back…” Pete said. Ryan looked up at him, then leaned up and kissed him softly.
“I love you,” he whispered, laying his head back down on Pete’s chest. And then they fell asleep.
The next morning, Pete’s mom had to come in and wake them up so that Ryan wouldn’t miss his early flight back to Vegas since Pete’s alarm clock failed to wake either him or Ryan up. As soon as she was sure they were awake, Pete’s mom left the room completely ignoring the fact that neither of them had any clothes on. They both got up and dressed silently. Then Pete helped Ryan bring his luggage downstairs and into the car. When it was time to leave, Pete’s mom hugged Ryan.
“Come back any time you want, honey,” she said. Ryan smiled and nodded. Mr. Wentz shook Ryan’s hand in an awkward manner, then they had to leave.
They got into Pete’s car and they began to drive to the airport. After they got there and dealt with all of Ryan’s luggage, there was about a half an hour before boarding time. Pete and Ryan sat down. Ryan curled up in his chair, bringing his knees to his chest and laying his head on Pete’s shoulder next to him. Pete stroked Ryan’s hair absentmindedly.
“God, I’m gonna miss you so much,” he said and kissed the top of Ryan’s head. Ryan bit his lip, trying his hardest not to start crying. However, his attempts to not cry were unsuccessful and a few tears rolled down his cheeks. He wiped them away quickly.
Much too soon, there was an announcement over the intercom to begin boarding the plane to Las Vegas. They stood up reluctantly. Pete put a hand on either side of Ryan’s face.
“I suck at saying goodbye,” Pete said, wiping a tear from Ryan’s cheek.
“I don’t wanna leave, Pete,” Ryan whispered.
“I know, baby. I don’t want you to leave,” Pete said and pulled Ryan to him, embracing him. Ryan sobbed into Pete’s shoulder and Pete wiped tears from his own eyes. Another announcement came over the intercom about boarding the Vegas plane. Ryan looked Pete in the eyes and Pete kissed him, softly at first, then harder and more passionate.
“I love you, Ryan,” Pete said when he pulled away from him.
“I love you, too,” Ryan replied.
“This is the last call to board the flight to Las Vegas, Nevada. This is the last call,” the speaker over the intercom announced. Ryan looked at Pete sadly and Pete let out a shaky sigh.
“I…I love you. And I’m going to miss you so much and…” Pete trailed off and wiped tears from his cheek. He kissed Ryan again. “Call me as soon as you get home, okay?” Ryan nodded. Pete reached down and picked up Ryan’s carry-on bag and handed it to him. Ryan sighed.
“I love you, Peter,” he said. They kissed each other one last time before Ryan turned to board his plane.
Ryan got on the plane and found his seat - it was by the window next to an old man who was sleeping. Ryan tried to get past the old man to his seat without waking him up, but he couldn’t. He tapped the man on the shoulder and he woke up with a grunt. The old man eyed Ryan suspiciously before standing up and letting Ryan through to his seat. Ryan slumped down into his seat and stared out the window. He could see his reflection in the window and he looked pretty horrible - his nose was red and runny and his eyes were puffy. His cheeks had wet streaks on them from tears. Ryan pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them and cried silently to himself.
The plane took off and Ryan looked out the window - one last look at Chicago before he was gone. Once the plane was in the sky, Ryan leaned back in his seat and stared up at the ceiling of the airplane. He sniffled and several tears fell down the side of his face. The old man next to him shot him a questioning glance, then reached down to his bag and began rummaging through it. He pulled out a small package of tissues and handed it to Ryan.
“Thank you,” Ryan said, his voice scratchy. The man nodded.
“Leaving someone you love?” the man asked. Ryan just nodded. “Girlfriend?” the man asked.
“…Sort of,” Ryan answered softly. The old man raised his eyebrows. “My uh…my boyfriend. I had to leave my boyfriend.” The man nodded understandingly.
“For a long time?” he asked. Ryan nodded.
“We’re both in bands and we have to go on separate tours,” he explained sadly. The man nodded again.
“Well, if you two really love each other, everything will be fine,” the man said.
“Yeah……I know,” Ryan said.
As soon as the plane landed and the use of cell phones was permitted, Ryan pulled out his Sidekick and called Pete. The sound of Pete’s voice when he answered the phone was enough to make Ryan’s heart beat about ten times faster than normal.
“Hey, baby, I just landed…yeah…mhm….I’d much rather be in Chicago right now…I already miss you way too much, too…” Ryan continued to talk to Pete as he got off the plane. After he found all his luggage, he had to call Spencer who was supposed to pick him up from the airport. When Spencer got there, he helped Ryan get all of his stuff in the car and then they set off for Ryan’s house. Ryan told Spencer about his trip - leaving out the sex, of course. When they got to Ryan’s house, he unloaded his stuff and Spencer left. Nobody was at Ryan’s house when he arrived so it was rather quiet. He carried some of his stuff into his room - it was just like how he had left it about three months ago. He set his stuff down and fell back onto his bed and promptly fell asleep.
The next few days went by slow. Ryan spent time with his family at home, however, he seemed extremely dazed most of the time - and he was, due to the fact that he missed Pete. Ryan’s Sidekick soon became practically glued to his hands during the day. And at night, he would talk to Pete on the phone for hours.
Pete soon had to go back on tour, playing only a few shows a week in various cities. Ryan got together with Brendon, Spencer, and Brent and they began making plans for their upcoming tour with The Academy Is… which would start in less than two months. Soon enough, Christmastime rolled around. Brendon was going away to spend it with Audrey, Brent was going away with his family, and Spencer was spending it at his grandmother’s house for a few days with his family. Since Ryan wasn’t very close to his family and Christmas with them was sure to be horrible just like every year before, Spencer invited him to come with him to his grandmother’s. Ryan agreed, although not very enthusiastically. More than anything, he would have preferred to spend Christmas with Pete.
The night before Christmas Eve, Ryan threw some of his clothes into a bag and threw the bag over his shoulder.
“Hey, dad, I’m going with Spencer to his grandma’s for Christmas. I’ll be back in a few days,” he said to his dad and then got into Spencer’s car.
“It’s okay that you’re coming?” Spencer asked him. Ryan shrugged and rolled his eyes.
“Yeah. My dad doesn’t care. He started drinking again,” he said with a sigh. Spencer looked over at his friend, concerned. There was a few minutes of silence.
“So uh…did Brendon tell you yet that we’re gonna have enough money to get a bus for the tour?”
“Oh, really?” Ryan said. “That’s awesome,” he said unenthusiastically. Spencer frowned.
“Are you okay, Ry?” he asked. Ryan just nodded, looking out the window.
“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine,” he said.
“Are you sure?”
“…Yeah. It’s just…I miss Pete. A lot…..and…my dad pisses me off. He’s such an asshole. And now he started drinking again so he’s a drunken asshole. I’ve pretty much given up trying to help him with his drinking problem. Every time I try to help, it never works and he completely forgets that I ever even tried to help him,” Ryan explained, still looking out the window. Spencer shot him a sympathetic glance.
“Maybe you’ll feel better later,” he said with a small smile. Ryan just shrugged.
They got to Spencer’s grandmother’s house and got out of the car. Seeing the house made Ryan smile a little bit. He and Spencer and Brent had lived in the basement of the house for a few months during the summer right after Ryan had graduated from high school.
They walked into the house and greeted Spencer’s parents and grandmother. Spencer and Ryan walked down to the basement where Ryan would be staying. There were two fold-up beds set up next to each other and Ryan threw his bag on one of them.
“Are you staying down here, too?” Ryan asked Spencer, motioning towards the second bed.
“No,” Spencer said, a smile playing at his lips.
“Oh…then why is there two beds?”
“Oh, hold one, my mom’s calling for me,” Spencer said, turning and running up the stairs, leaving Ryan alone in the basement. Ryan sighed and sat down on one of the beds. He leaned back onto the pillows and pulled his Sidekick out of his pocket. He flipped it open and then realized that he had no service down in the basement. He sighed and flipped it closed. He continued to flip his Sidekick open and closed absentmindedly. He heard the door to the basement open and then close softly. Ryan didn’t look up, assuming that it was Spencer coming down the stairs. Ryan finally looked up and then leapt up from the bed hurdling himself towards whoever had just came into the basement.
“PETER!” Ryan squealed, throwing his arms around his lover. Pete wrapped his arms around Ryan’s waist and held him close, pressing his lips to his. When he pulled away, Pete was smiling and so was Ryan.
“Pete! What are you doing here?!” Ryan asked ecstatically. Pete just smiled even wider.
“Merry Christmas,” he said and Ryan kissed him again. They continued to kiss each other as Ryan began to walk backwards, pulling Pete towards the bed. Ryan sat down on the bed, then fell onto his back, Pete on top of him, kissing him.
“Mm. Baby…don’t you feel weird about doing this in Spencer’s grandma’s house?” Pete asked, breathing heavily.
“Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz. I have not seen you in FOUR weeks. Are you REALLY going to deny me of this right now?!” Ryan said. Pete laughed and kissed Ryan again.
“No way. Because believe me, baby, I need this just as much as you do right now,” he said and kissed Ryan, running his hands under Ryan’s shirt, pulling it up.
“God…I’ve missed you…so…fucking…much,” Ryan gasped out between kisses. They pulled away from each other for a second as Ryan pulled his shirt over his head and threw it onto the floor. They both removed all of their clothes and they made love for the first time in about a month. Neither of them lasted very long considering that it had been a month since they had last been together. When they finished, Pete collapsed onto Ryan, resting his head on his chest. Ryan stroked Pete’s sweaty hair, breathing heavily and Pete dropped little kisses all over Ryan’s chest.
“I can’t believe you’re here right now,” Ryan said softly. Pete smiled up at him.
“I’ve been planning this for the past two weeks,” he said. “I’m actually surprised Spencer kept it a secret.”
“You trusted /Spencer/ to keep something like /that/ a secret? Damn, Wentz, you’re very trusting.”
“Well, he kept it a secret, didn’t he?” Pete said.
They both put their clothes back on and walked up the stairs and out of the basement. The door to the basement was located by the dining room and when Pete and Ryan walked out, all of Spencer’s family was sitting at the dining room table discussing gas prices and politics. Spencer, who was uninvolved in the discussion and was reading instead, looked up from his book at Ryan and Pete and bit down on his lip as though he was trying not to laugh. Spencer’s family looked up at them.
“Oh…hi boys,” Spencer’s grandmother said and looked away, chuckling to herself. The rest of Spencer’s family all avoided eye-contact with either Pete or Ryan. Ryan looked to Spencer, raising his eyebrows. Spencer smiled, still holding back laughter and set his book down, got up from the table, and led Ryan and Pete into the living room nearby.
“Um…” Spencer said, laughing. “You…you know, my grandma’s house is kind of old and uh…the walls aren’t exactly soundproof and um…”
“Oh god, you’ve /got/ to be kidding,” Ryan said, looking completely mortified. Spencer shook his head, laughing hysterically.
“Dude, my seventy year old /grandmother/ heard you guys and she’s practically deaf!”
“What it really that loud?” Pete asked. Spencer laughed.
“Are you kidding me?! ‘Pete! Oh, Peter, oh yeah!’” Spencer imitated in a high-pitched voice. Ryan blushed deep red.
“Oh my god…that’s /really/ embarrassing,” Ryan said.
“Yeah, and it was really awkward sitting with my /entire/ family while two of my friends are fucking in the basement.”
“Wow…I’m really sorry, Spencer,” Pete said. Spencer laughed.
“It’s okay. It was actually really funny. My dad had to literally get up and leave the room. And my grandma wouldn’t stop laughing. But, I mean, it was kind of uh…expected…since it’s been like, a month since you’ve last seen each other.”
“Yeah, but I’ll still never be able to look any member of your family in the eye again,” Ryan said.
“Oh, don’t worry about it, Ry. They’ll probably forget about it in like, a day,” Spencer said, and with that, they walked back out to the dining room and sat down at the table. Spencer’s grandmother looked up at Ryan and Pete, smiling.
“Well, I’m sure glad we didn’t use to nice guest sheets for the basement,” she said with a giggle.

That evening, Ryan, Pete, Spencer, and Spencer’s family all sat around in the living room watching “It’s A Wonderful Life” on television. The movie was almost over and everyone but Pete and Ryan had fallen asleep on the couch or in whatever chair they were sitting in. Ryan and Pete were laying on the floor, cuddled up together under a blanket. The only lights in the room came from the black and white picture on the television and the colourful flashing of Christmas lights on the Christmas tree. Spencer’s grandmother was snoring loudly from her chair. Pete wrapped his arm around Ryan a little bit tighter, his chest pressed against Ryan’s back. Ryan rolled himself over so that he was facing Pete and he smiled up at him.
“This is…the /best/…night before Christmas Eve…./ever/,” Ryan said. Pete smiled at him, then kissed him softly.
“And then tomorrow with be the best Christmas Eve ever and the day after that will be the best Christmas ever,” Pete said.
“Baby…I forgot to ask…when do you have to leave?” Ryan asked. Pete sighed.
“The day after Christmas. God, I wish I could stay longer, though…”
“Me too,” Ryan said, snuggling up closer to Pete.
“But I’ve been meaning to ask you…do you think that you could make it to New York on New Year’s Eve? We have to play for that MTV thing and um…I was thinking that maybe you could come and…I mean, it’s New Year’s Eve and all so uh..”
“Yeah, of course, Pete. I’d love to come.”
“Really?! You’re gonna come /all/ the way to New York? For me?!”
“Of course! Do you honestly think I’d pass up any chance to be with you? Especially on New Year’s Eve? So what if New York is like, five million miles away?” Ryan said. Pete smiled and kissed Ryan.
“Too bed we aren’t in New York tonight. There was a big party going on at Misshapes tonight,” Pete said.
“Really? For what occasion?”
“You know Mikey? Mikey Way? And his girlfriend, Alicia? Well, they got engaged today. So everyone is partying with them tonight.”
“Aw, that’s cute,” Ryan said. “They’re such a cute couple.”
“Yeah…they are…” Pete said and then they were silent for a few minutes. “Maybe some day we should have a party like that…”
“What do you mean?” Ryan asked, smiling. Pete smiled at him.
“You know…me and you. Having a party celebrating something along those same lines…”
“Are you asking me to marry you, Peter?” Ryan asked, his smiled growing even larger. Pete smiled some more and bit his lip.
“Well…I dunno…something like that. I mean, some day, yeah. Well, not /married/, of course, because, well, you know, that’s not really possible, but some day I would like us to uh...you know - “ Pete rambled but was cut off by Ryan’s mouth on his own.
“Yeah, I’d like us to ‘you know’ some day, too,” Ryan said when he pulled away from Pete. Pete smiled and jumped up to his feet, pulling Ryan up as well.
“Come on, let’s go to the basement and uh…celebrate this,” he said.
“Celebrate our engagement to be engaged?”
“Yes,” Pete said and pulled Ryan close to him and kissed him before they both began waking quickly towards the basement door. They ran down the stairs holding hands and giggling. When they reached the beds, the both quickly tore off their clothes. Ryan flopped onto the bed and Pete got on top of him, kissing him viciously. Pete positioned himself over Ryan and thrust himself into him. Ryan bit his lip and moaned softly. He reached up to Pete, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling his face down to his. Pete moaned into Ryan’s mouth, trying to keep the noise level down. Ryan bucked his hips in time with Pete’s thrusts, both of them breathing heavily and sweating. When they finished, they laid together in the small bed until they both fell asleep.

The next morning when all of the bands had arrived at the venue, there was a sense of both excitement and sadness from everyone. It was the last show of the Nintendo Fusion Tour.
When Ryan got out of the van, Pete had been waiting for him and greeted him by shoving his tongue in his mouth. After making out for a few minutes, Pete pulled away from Ryan and smiled.
“Last day,” he said. “After today, we can fuck whenever and wherever we want.”
“I can’t wait,” Ryan said and kissed Pete again.
“I can’t wait until tonight’s show. It’s gonna be…great,” Pete said.
“What’s gonna be so great about it?”
“Oh, you’ll see,” he said with a mischievous smile. Ryan raised his eyebrows.
“Um. Alright.”

That night, after all the equipment was set up and the doors had been opened and the venue was filled with ecstatic fans, Panic! At The Disco got ready to go onstage.
When they got onstage, they played their show like normal. It was a really good performance. And towards the end, the confetti blowers went off like they were supposed to…except instead of the confetti being blown into the crowd, it all went onto the stage and all over the guys. They all stood there kind of shocked and looked at each other. And then Ryan saw Pete on the side of the stage, laughing.
“Motherfucker,” he mouth to him. Pete just laughed some more. And then Dirty appeared by Pete’s side. Pete whispered something to Dirty and then Dirty began to run onto the stage. Brendon saw him only seconds before Dirty tackled him, knocking him to the ground and trying to unbuckle his belt.
“Dirtyyy! Noooo!” Brendon yelled, pushing Dirty’s hands away, but laughing at the same time. And then Pete ran onto the stage and for some unknown reason, his pants had disappeared. He grabbed Brendon’s hands and pinned them to the ground as Dirty unbuckled Brendon’s belt, despite the fact that Brendon was kicking all over. Then, Dirty unbuttoned and unzipped Brendon’s pants as well. Brendon was flailing his legs and kicking, trying to get Dirty away while also trying to get his hands out of Pete’s grasp. Ryan, Brent, and Spencer were all watching this, laughing hysterically. Brendon finally managed to pull his hands away from Pete and also managed to kick Dirty away who had managed to pull his pants about halfway down. Brendon jumped up, grabbing his pants and attempting to pull them back up, but Pete grabbed him from behind, pulling his hands away so that his pants dropped back to around his knees. Dirty took the opportunity to try and unbutton Brendon’s shirt. He unbuttoned it down to about halfway before Brendon got loose again. But then one of the techs ran from the other side of the stage and grabbed him. Dirty ran over and ripped the rest of Brendon’s shirt open and the tech pulled it off, throwing it aside.
“Aghh! Stoppp!” Brendon yelled through his laughter. Now a couple more techs had run out and were helping to keep Brendon from running away so that Dirty could pull off his pants. But Brendon was kicking so much that it was almost impossible for Dirty to even get near his pants. But finally, Dirty just reached out and pulled down. Brendon’s pants were down to about right under his knees. Dirty grabbed Brendon’s feet so that he was suspended in the air, a tech holding him from around the chest and Dirty holding him by the feet. Pete ran over and pulled Brendon’s pants down to his ankles and then grabbed his legs right above his pants so that Dirty could pull them off the rest of the way. Dirty thrust his fist and the pants into the air victoriously and then threw the pants into the crowd. Brendon has escaped and run offstage before they could get him completely undressed. Pete looked over at Ryan and smiled mischievously. Ryan shook his head and mouthed “No fucking way”. Pete turned to Dirty, still smiling, and whispered something in his ear. Then Dirty turned to the techs who had helped undress Brendon. And in about half a second, they were all charging towards Ryan. Pete ran head-on into him and the force of the other people knocked them both to the ground, Pete on top of Ryan. Pete (whose pants were still off) sat up, straddling Ryan’s waist, and pinned his wrists to the ground. And Dirty went to work unbuttoning Ryan’s vest. Ryan was yelling and laughing and bucking his hips as to try and get Pete off of him.
“Dirty! Hold his hands down - I’ll take his clothes off,” Pete yelled out. Dirty pinned one of Ryan’s hands down and a tech pinned down the other. Pete finished unbuttoning Ryan’s vest and then began to unbutton his shirt.
“Pete! Stoppp!” Ryan yelled out. Pete smiled, feeling Ryan’s erection under him. He grinded his crotch against Ryan’s and unbuttoned the last button of his shirt just as Ryan pulled his hand out of the tech’s grip. Then he got his other hand free and pushed Pete off of him and quickly got up and ran offstage, his shirt open. Pete, Dirty, and all the techs finally gave up and walked offstage to the screams of the crowd. As soon as Pete was off the stage, a pair of hands grabbed him and pulled him into a small, secluded room. Ryan pulled Pete’s face to his. Both of them were breathing heavily and sweating.
“You. Fucking. Asshole……I. Hate. You,” Ryan gasped out between kisses.
“Mhm,” Pete muttered as he ran his hands along Ryan’s bare stomach.
“Fuck! I can’t take this anymore! I give up! I give up! I can’t last a week without sex! Please! Fuck me!” Ryan shouted. Pete smiled and let out a sigh of relief.
“Thank god! I can’t take it anymore, either!” Pete said, turning around and shutting the door. Ryan finished pulling off his shirt and unbuckled his belt. Pete pulled off his hoodie and reached out to help Ryan pull down his pants and underwear. Pete pulled off his own underwear then grabbed Ryan and turned him around. He spit onto his hand and then rubbed the spit onto his penis for lubrication. He grabbed Ryan’s hips from behind and then slammed into him. Ryan let out a loud moan.
“Shh, Ryan, try to keep it quiet. Who knows who might be walking by,” Pete said in Ryan’s ear. Ryan nodded, biting his lip as Pete slammed into him again. Their breathing got heavier and heavier. Pete kept his mouth pressed into the back of Ryan’s shoulder to keep him from moaning too loudly, and Ryan kept biting his lip. They were both hunched over slightly, Ryan’s arms extended, grabbing onto the wall in front of him, Pete still grabbing Ryan’s hips. As Pete continued to slam into Ryan, he reached around to Ryan’s front and took hold of his erection and slowly started jacking him off. Ryan bit down on his lip harder and squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to yell out.
“Mphfuck,” Ryan grunted and then made some small whimpering noises. Pete kissed the back of Ryan’s shoulder and kept his mouth lingering there until it was over. Pete and Ryan slumped up against the wall, their chests rising and falling rapidly in sync.
“So we both lost, didn’t we?” Pete asked, lifting himself off the wall and turning around towards his clothes.
“Yeah…we did,” Ryan said. Pete sighed.
“And we were both so close, too,” he said.
They both put their clothes back on and then Pete had to go perform. When Fall Out Boy finished their performance and got offstage, there was an uproar of noise from backstage and then there was a lot of hugging from all the bands in celebration of having finished the last show of the tour. And then Dirty brought out some alcohol and Kenny from The Starting Line ordered several pizzas and there was a full out party backstage. Ryan and Pete were sitting together on the sofa, watching a drunken Dirty and a drunken Brendon performing their own rendition of “Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down” and laughing along with everyone else. When Dirty and Brendon finished, a tech who had been recording them, turned the video camera onto Pete and Ryan.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here? Wentz and Ross, the two lovebirds,” he said. Pete smiled and then stuck up his middle finger at the camera.
“Fuck off,” he said, then put both hands on either side of Ryan’s face and brought it to his and kissed him.
“Aw! Wentz and Ross forEVERRR!” the tech squealed. Pete laughed.
“Lay off the booze, dude,” he said. The tech just smiled and turned around and walked away.
After a few hours, almost everyone from all the bands and all the techs were lying around on the floor or slumped over the couch and they were just talking about the past months of the tour.
“Oh man…I loved that show in Florida when Beckett and Carden came down and Adam and all the FBR people were there. And all those people were freaking out about the hurricane shit,” Brendon said. Everyone nodded.
“That was an intense party backstage,” one of the techs said. “That William sure knows how to drink.”
“Psh, yeah, and he’s not even legal to yet,” Pete said, laughing.
“You boys are in for a party when you go on tour with them,” the tech said to Ryan, Brendon, Brent, and Spencer.
“I remember when we toured with them…there was this crazy night where William ended up onstage telling the crowd that I quit the band,” Pete said with a laugh.
“I remember that!” Patrick said. “That was the night you ended up naked for some reason…”
“When does Pete /not/ end up naked?” Andy asked.
“When I’m not with Ryan,” Pete said, laughing.
“Ooooooh!” they all said. Ryan blushed and giggled.

When it was finally time for them to leave the venue, they all packed up their gear and got in their busses and vans for the last night. Since Ryan was going home with Pete to Chicago instead of to his home in Las Vegas, he got all of his stuff out of the van and into the Fall Out Boy bus and trailor.
“We’ll miss you on the way home,” Brent said to Ryan before they left. “But have a good time in Chicago, okay?”
“Alright. Tell everyone at home that I said hi,” Ryan said and then hugged his band mates. Then all the busses and vans left the venue, all going in different directions.
All the other Fall Out Boy guys were in their bunks and asleep as soon as the bus set off. Pete and Ryan snuggled on the small bus sofa which was cluttered with clothes, Andy’s drumsticks, and various food crumbs.
“What time is it?” Ryan asked. Pete looked at his watch.
“Almost three,” he said.
“Our contest would have been officially over now,” Ryan said. Pete smiled.
“So we should celebrate it being officially over,” Pete said.
“Yeah?” Ryan said, smiling, and rolled himself over on top of Pete and began unbuckling Pete’s belt. Ryan moved down to right below Pete’s knees as Pete pulled off his belt and unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. Ryan pulled Pete’s pants down to his knees but was stopped there by the sound of feet walking towards the bus sofa. Ryan looked up to see Andy walking out from the bunks. Andy looked at them, shook his head, then turned his attention towards the tiny bus fridge.
“Do you think that maybe you guys can wait until we’re back in Chicago before you do that? It’s really not that long of a ride, I swear.” Ryan smiled at Andy.
“Sorry Andy,” he said, and Pete pulled up his pants.

The bus drove all through the night, into the morning, and all through the next day. It was nearly evening when the bus reached Illinois. When they got to Chicago, they had to drive to the place where they got their bus. When they got there, they had to unload all of their stuff. By the time the inside of the bus was cleaned and everyone had all of their possessions sorted out, it was almost ten o’clock. All the guys called girlfriends or parents or friends to pick them up, or those who had left their cars at the bus place simply left. Pete called his brother and within ten minutes, he was there. Pete and Ryan climbed into the backseat of his car. Pete greeted his brother with an awkward hug from the backseat.
“Ryan, this is my brother, Andrew. Andrew, this is Ryan…my uh…boyfriend.”
“Yeah, Mom told me about him. Nice to meet you, dude,” Andrew said, extending a hand to Ryan. Ryan shook it. Andrew turned around to face the steering wheel and then they left. They talked a bit on the ride back to Wilmette, pretty much just telling Andrew about the tour. When they finally got to Pete’s parents’ house, it was almost eleven. Pete’s mom was still awake and greeted her son with a hug the second he was in the door. When she finished hugging him, she held him out at arm’s length and looked him over.
“Oh, Peter, you look good! You look thinner - have you been eating okay? You know I worry about your eating habits when you’re on the road - oh! And you must be Ryan!”
“Um…hi. It’s uh…it’s really nice to meet you, Mrs. Wentz,” Ryan said, extending his hand nervously. Pete’s mom smiled and embraced Ryan.
“Well, Mom, I hate to be disappearing as soon as we got home but me and Ryan are both pretty tired so I think we’re gonna be off to bed,” Pete said.
“Alright, sweetheart…oh, but uh - I need to talk to you first,” she said.
“What?” Pete asked.
“Well uh…you see, your father…I never exactly told him about you two,” she said. Pete stared at his mom, his mouth slightly open.
“So…he doesn’t know? That I’m gay?”
“Well…no…”
“Does he even know that Ryan’s staying here?”
“Yes, he knows that much! But…that’s all…so uh…could you guys just uh…keep it on the down low until I tell him?”
“And when will that be, Mom?”
“I don’t know! If you want, you can just tell him yourself!”
“Arghh. Whatever, Mom. I’ll see you in the morning,” Pete said and grabbed Ryan by the hand and began to head towards the stairs.
“Goodnight, Peter. Goodnight, Ryan,” his mom called out.
Pete led Ryan to his room and closed the door behind them. Ryan gazed around the room for a while. Before long, they both stripped down to their boxers and got into bed and fell asleep cuddling under the blankets. When they woke up the next morning, they laid in bed for about an hour just making out and being lazy. Then they finally got up, got dressed, and went downstairs.
Both of Pete’s parents were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper when they walked in. They both looked up at the two.
“Oh, good morning, boys,” Mrs. Wentz said.
“Morning, Mom,” Pete said, heading towards the refrigerator.
“Morning,” Ryan said, shyly.
“Well, hello Peter. Don’t worry about saying hi to me after not seeing you for four months or introduce me to your friend or anything,” Pete’s father said jokingly. Pete looked to his dad and smiled.
“Sorry, dad,” he said, and walked over to his father and gave him a hug. “This is Ryan,” he motioned towards Ryan.
“Nice to meet you, sir,” Ryan said and shook Mr. Wentz’s hand.
Pete went into the cupboard and pulled down two bowls, then reached into the pantry and pulled out a box of cereal. Pete set the two bowls down on the table in two spots next to each other, then grabbed two spoons from a drawer and sat down in one of the chairs. Ryan sat down next to him.
When Ryan and Pete finished eating breakfast, they went back up to Pete’s room and ended up in bed again. It was a sort of mutual, unspoken decision that the day would be spent being lazy and doing nothing. Pete turned on the television to some movie which eventually caused Ryan and Pete to both fall back to sleep in each other’s arms. They were woken up from their nap about two hours later when Pete’s brother came barging in the door.
“Hey! Dad wants to know if you and Ryan wanna go to the grocery store with him. He said he wants to spend time with you before you ‘run off’ again,” Andrew said. Pete looked up at his brother groggily. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.
“Um…yeah. Yeah, sure, whatever. Um…tell him we’ll be down in a minute,” he replied. Andrew left and Pete turned to Ryan whose eyes were still closed.
“Ryan, baby? You awake?” Pete whispered.
“Mmmm,” Ryan replied. Pete smiled and kissed Ryan’s cheek.
“Did you hear what my brother said?” Pete asked.
“Mhm.”
“And do you want to go?”
“Mhm.”
“And are you gonna get up?”
“Mhm,” Ryan mumbled but didn’t move at all.
“Am I gonna have to get you up?”
“Mhm.” Pete smiled and rolled himself onto the half-asleep Ryan and straddled his waist.
“Ryannn! Wake uppp!” Pete cooed in Ryan’s ear and then kissed him. Ryan smiled but kept his eyes closed. Pete kissed Ryan again, this time prodding his tongue between Ryan’s lips. Ryan kissed him back, but when Pete pulled away, his eyes were still closed.
“Not awake yet?” Pete asked. Ryan shook his head.
“Uh-uh,” he said.
“Well…” Pete said and moved to right below Ryan’s knees. He unbuttoned Ryan’s pants and then unzipped them. Ryan opened his eyes and looked down at Pete.
“Oh, you’re up now? Okay,” Pete said rezipping Ryan’s pants.
“No! I’m not!” Ryan said, closing his eyes, his head falling back onto the pillow. Pete laughed and unzipped Ryan’s pants again and pulled them down.
Pete grabbed a hold of Ryan’s erection and began to stroke it. After making him want it even more, he began to put it into his mouth. Tonguing the head at first, then sucking it, then deep throating all of his shaft. Ryan moaned, placing his hand on the back of Pete’s head, bucking his hips, thrusting himself farther into Pete’s mouth.
“Ohmgawd…Pete….mmngh,” Ryan moaned and then looked up at the bedroom door opening and before he knew it, he was looking straight into the eyes of Pete’s father. Ryan stopped moving completely, his eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open. Pete noticed Ryan’s sudden lack of movement and looked up at him. When he saw the look of shock and fear on his face, Pete turned his head in the direction in which Ryan was staring and saw almost the exact expression reflected on his father’s face.
The room was full of an awkward silence, Pete between Ryan’s legs, Ryan with his pants halfway off, and Mr. Wentz at the door, catching his son and his son’s “friend” mid-blow job. It was obvious that all three of them had no idea what to do at this point. Then, Pete’s dad simply turned around and closed the door behind him without saying a word. Pete looked up at Ryan and they exchanged worried looks. Pete lifted himself off of Ryan and Ryan pulled up his pants. Then they both sat on the edge of Pete’s bed silently. Pete held his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. Ryan chewed his bottom lip nervously.
Pete’s door opened again and this time Andrew came in, laughing.
“Dude, holy shit! What did you do?! Dad’s like, having a fucking seizure down there!” he said.
“Is he angry?” Pete asked. Andrew shrugged.
“I’m not really sure. I can’t really tell…but what happened?!”
“Um…Dad…well, he came in here without knocking and uh…”
“Oh god, were you guys making out?” Pete sighed and shook his head.
“No…. Worse…” he said. Andrew’s eyes widened.
“Ew! For real?! And Dad walked in on that?!” Pete and Ryan both nodded, embarrassed. “Damn. Now understand why he was being so weird….good luck with that one, bro,” he said, and then left.
“Pete, your family hates me,” Ryan said.
“What?! No they don’t! They just…well, okay, so that really wasn’t a good way to win over my dad, but, I mean…”
“No. Pete. They hate me,” Ryan said. Pete sighed, then wrapped his arms around Ryan.
“No they don’t…” Pete said, but not sounding very sure himself.
The door opened once again, this time Pete’s mom slipped inside, closing the door behind her. Pete stopped hugging Ryan as his mom pulled over the chair from Pete’s computer desk to his bed and sat down in front of them.
“Your father told me what happened,” his mom said.
“Is he mad?” Pete asked. His mom was silent for a moment.
“…I’m not sure,” she finally said. “But that probably wasn’t the best way to come out to him.”
“Well he wasn’t /supposed/ to walk in on us,” Pete said.
“I know, I know. But what are you gonna do about this?”
“I dunno. What /can/ I do?”
“Talk to him about this?”
“Talk to him about me sucking off my boyfriend?!”
“Pete!” Ryan hissed. Pete’s mom sighed.
“No, not about that. Just…about everything. About you being…gay. And you and Ryan dating…”
“I’m pretty sure he figured that out for himself.”
“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him about it.”
“Why can’t /you/ talk to him about it?!”
“Peter! You’re twenty-six years old! This is /your/ responsibility this time.”
“Argh! Fine!” Pete yelled, standing up. He turned to Ryan. “Stay here,” he said, “I’ll be back…” Then both Pete and his mom left the room leaving Ryan alone. About twenty minutes later, Pete finally came back. He leaned back against the door and let out a deep sigh of relief.
“Thank god that’s over,” he said.
“So um…what happened?” Ryan asked.
“Well…that was definitely the most awkward conversation I’ve /ever/ had with my dad. But um…I don’t really think he was /angry/. Just…disturbed, maybe?”
“But is he fine now?”
“Uhh…sort of, I think. He seemed like he was…” Pete said. Ryan bit his lip. Then there was a knock on the door and Pete’s dad poked his head inside.
“Do you boys still want to go to the store with me?” he asked.
“Um. Yeah,” Pete said, “Are you leaving now?”
“Yeah,” he said.
Pete and Ryan both got their shoes and jackets on and got into the backseat of Mr. Wentz’s car. Inside the car was awkwardly silent. Ryan could feel Pete’s dad staring at him through the rearview mirror which made him feel even more awkward. He looked over to Pete. He really wanted to talk to him but breaking the awkward silence would make it even more awkward. So, he pulled out his Sidekick and motioned to Pete to do the same. When Pete pulled out his Sidekick, Ryan IMed him.

i amclandestine: this is really awkward. and your dad hates me. srsly, pete, he does.

brokehalo7: no he does not! you do not know that!

i amclandestine: well, it sure seems like it. he probably thinks it's my fault that you're gay.

brokehalo7: ryan, stop. srsly. he doesn't hate you. and if he does, then i'll hate him.

i amclandestine: =/

brokehalo7: ryan, it'll be okay. i promise. and now that he knows, we don't have to keep it on the dl. if i wanted to, i could start making out with you right now.

i amclandestine: but don't.

brokehalo7: well, i won't, but i'm just saying that i could if i wanted to.

i amclandestine: oh, so that means that you don't want to?

brokehalo7: hahaha. well, no. of course i WANT to. i always want to but...you know.

i amclandestine: lol yes i do


They arrived at the local Wilmette grocery store and all got out of the car, still awkwardly silent. They went in the store and it was basically Pete’s father shopping with Pete and Ryan walking closely behind him but not saying a word. When Mr. Wentz’s shopping cart was pretty much full, he looked back at Pete and Ryan and began to steer the cart towards the drugstore section of the store. Ryan and Pete followed, thinking nothing of it. Then Pete’s dad stopped the cart in front of a large display of condoms.
“Get some,” his dad said to Pete, motioning towards the condoms.
“…What?!”
“Get some. Look, Peter, you need to be protected. I’m not sure what goes on when you’re on the road, but while you’re in my house, I want to know that you’re having safe sex.”
“Dad! What are you - “
“Who knows what kind of diseases Ryan could have or - “
“So you’re saying that my boyfriend is a dirty whore, basically?!” Pete said, his voice growing louder. Ryan just stood there, nervously.
“No, I didn’t say that! You didn’t let me finish! Either of you could have diseases and - “
“Not really! Dad, we do use protection! I’ve never had unprotected sex!”
“Well, maybe if you were drunk or something then - “
“I’m straight-edge, Dad. I don’t drink.”
“Look, Peter, like I said, I don’t know what goes one when you’re on the road but - “
“I can’t believe you, Dad! You’re being such an asshole! We’ll be outside,” Pete said, grabbing Ryan’s hand and heading towards the store’s exit.
“The car’s locked and it’s cold outside! Just stay here,” Mr. Wentz called out to them, but Pete didn’t listen. Once they were outside, Pete pulled his hood up and Ryan did the same.
“Winter in Chicago sucks,” he mumbled and sat down on the curb. Ryan sat down next to him and sighed.
“I’m sorry, Ryan.”
“It’s not your fault…” Ryan said. Pete sighed.
“I still feel bad, though…my dad is /such/ an asshole. I seriously can not believe him,” Pete said angrily. Ryan scooted closer to Pete and rested his head on his shoulder. Pete sighed again and wrapped his arm around Ryan pulling him a bit closer. Ryan lifted his head from Pete’s shoulder, turning it and kissing Pete on the cheek.
“iloveyou,” he whispered. Pete turned his head to face Ryan who was now resting his chin on Pete’s shoulder, looking up at him. Pete kissed the tip of Ryan’s nose and smiled a little.
“I love you, too,” he said. Ryan rested his head back on Pete’s shoulder and they just sat like that for a while despite the odd and dirty looks people entering and leaving the grocery store shot them.
When Pete’s father finally came out of the store, Pete didn’t say anything to him. He and Ryan just got up and followed him to the car. The ride home was silent, but it wasn’t as awkward as the ride there. When they got home, they silently unloaded the groceries from the car. Pete’s mom noticed the silence between the boys and Mr. Wentz, so she immediately turned to Ryan and Pete as soon as Mr. Wentz went out of the house to grab more groceries.
“What happened?” she asked.
“Well, Dad called Ryan a whore,” Pete said simply.
“What?!” Mrs. Wentz said.
“Well, not in those words,” Ryan chimed in softly.
“But that’s what he was implying,” Pete said, then turned to his mom. “He tried to buy me condoms and when I asked him what his problem was, he was all like ‘oh, you don’t know what kind of diseases Ryan has’ and shit like that. And it really pissed me off.”
“Honey, I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way - “
“Yeah, but I can guarantee you that if I were dating a girl he would /not/ make a big deal out of me…you know…having sex…”
“Peter, you don’t know that.”
“YES I do, Mom. Because I’ve dated girls before and never ONCE did he ever say anything about safe sex!”
“But Peter…you’ve got to realize that safe sex with girls is a given. But a lot of gay men don’t realize that even though you can’t get pregnant, you still need to protect yourself while having sex. And I’m sure - “
“What, did you research it or something?”
“Well…a little bit. Peter, your father is just looking out for you.”
“By implying that the man that I’m in love with is full of STDs?! Wow, how great!”
“Well…/have/ either of you been tested?”
“Mom! Whose side are you on here?” Pete yelled.
“I’m on nobody’s side! But I do think that it would be a good idea if you and Ryan were both tested - just to make sure!”
“I can’t believe this! First Dad and now you? I’m starting to wish that I never even came home,” Pete said, then turned to Ryan. “Come on, let’s go for a walk,” he said.
Ryan and Pete walked out of the house, pulling their hoods up again and stuffing their hands into their pockets as they walked down the driveway. When they reached the street, Pete sighed.
“This is a fucking disaster,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said. “I probably shouldn’t have even come,” he muttered, barely audibly.
“No. Don’t say that. Look, if my parents can’t accept the fact that I’m with you, then that just means that they don’t want me to be happy. And I have no idea where they’re coming up with all this STD shit…”
“Maybe you should just tell them that I lost my virginity to you…” Ryan said softly.
“Nah, we don’t need to lie to them,” Pete said. Ryan let out a soft chuckle.
“That…actually wouldn’t be lying…” he said. Pete stopped walking and looked at Ryan.
“Are you serious?”
“Um…yeah,” Ryan said, looking at the ground.
“What about Jac? You guys never…?”
“No. She was uh…kind of uptight about that…”
“Wow,” Pete said. “So…you lost your virginity to /me/?”
“Uh…yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Like, before we…you know…”
“Because…it was embarrassing. Plus, you already knew that I had never had sex with a /guy/ so why did you need to know that I had never had sex /at all/?”
“Yeah, that’s true…” Pete said. Then they walked in silence for a little while.
“How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Ryan asked. “I’m just wondering…”
“Oh, it’s a long story,” Pete said with a sigh. “Let’s just say…that it was with a girl and I wasn’t in love.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah….”
“I guess I’m kind of lucky. You know…to have lost my virginity to the person that I’m in love with,” Ryan said.
“Yeah…” They reached the end of the street and Pete looked up to the sky. “I think it’s gonna snow,” he said and looked at Ryan. And Ryan looked at him. And they just stood there in silence staring at each other. Pete reached out to Ryan, grabbing a hold of his hood and bringing his face towards him.
“I love you,” he whispered before placing a soft kiss on Ryan’s lips, letting his lips linger on his for several seconds before kissing him again, this time adding tongue and several sharp intakes of breath. Pete pulled away from Ryan and looked up to the sky once again. He held out his hand and a tiny flake of snow fell onto his palm. Pete smiled.
“It’s snowing,” he said and several more flakes of snow fell onto his palm. Ryan looked up to sky, smiling, and several snowflakes fell onto his face.
“This feels like a scene from a cheesy romance movie,” Ryan said. Pete smiled at him then wrapped his arms around him.
“Except five thousand times better,” he said before kissing him as more and more snow fell onto the ground around them. They began to walk back to Pete’s house and by the time they got there, it was snowing pretty heavily. They both brushed the snow off of each other before going inside. When they got inside, Pete’s father was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, his elbows on his knees. Pete’s mother was sitting beside him. They both looked up when Ryan and Pete walked in. Pete’s father was the first to speak.
“Look, Peter, I’m really sorry about what happened today. And what I said - I didn’t mean it how it sounded. And I don’t have a problem with you being…gay. I just…I just want you to be safe,” he said. Pete shrugged.
“Whatever, Dad. I just wish that you would realize that I’m old enough to take responsibility and make my own decisions.” Mr. Wentz sighed.
“I guess you’re right…but do you think that maybe you could just make your mother and I happy and you and Ryan go get tested? Just to make sure?”
“Dad, I /really/ don’t think you have to worry about that. I’d never had unprotected sex before Ryan and…Ryan had never had sex at all before me,” Pete said. Pete’s dad sighed again.
“Alright, alright,” Mr. Wentz said. And that was the end of that discussion.

Four days went by without either Pete or Ryan breaking. There were only two days left of their contest and only two days left of the Nintendo Fusion Tour. Every day, the sexual tension grew stronger and stronger. For the past four nights, Ryan had joined Pete on the Fall Out Boy bus. Every night they would squeeze into Pete’s bunk together and make out and cuddle until they fell asleep. And every morning, they would wake up sweating, all over each other in the small, cramped bunk. But no matter how uncomfortable they were, they were happy.
It was the morning of the sixth day of their contest. They hadn’t arrived at that night’s venue yet, so Pete and Ryan were curled up together in Pete’s bunk.
“So, do you know what you’re doing when the tour is over?” Pete asked Ryan. Ryan shook his head.
“No…I’m gonna miss being with you every day, though.”
“Yeah, same……you should come stay with me in Chicago for a while…”
“Really?”
“Yeah, sure. I mean, I still live with my parents and brother but…you’d be welcome to stay. You can share my room…and my bed,” Pete said, a smile coming onto his face.
“Yeah? Uhm…Pete?”
“Hmm?”
“Do your parents know…? About us?”
“Um…well…no. But what better way to tell them than you coming to stay with me?!”
“Do they even know that you’re gay?”
“……….No.”
“My parents don’t know, either,” Ryan said. “And I don’t really want them to. I know that they won’t take it very well.”
“Really? I honestly have no idea how my parents will take it…”
“Well, if I do decide to come stay with you…can you tell them before I come?” Ryan asked. Pete sighed.
“I guess so…I guess the sooner I tell them, the better. I wouldn’t want them to find out through someone else. And you know how people talk…”
“Yeah. I should probably tell my parents…even though I /really/ don’t want to but…I would rather tell them than have them find out from someone else…”
“Mhm…you know what? I’m gonna call my parents right now and tell them!” Pete said, sitting up awkwardly, as far as he could in the bunk and reaching towards the end of the bunk, feeling around for his Sidekick.
“What?! Pete, you’re crazy,” Ryan said.
“Well, if I don’t do it soon, I’ll keep procrastinating. And right now I have the ambition to do it. So I will,” he said as he flipped open his Sidekick and started dialing. He put the Sidekick to his ear and waited. Ryan watched him anxiously.
“Hey, mom!” Pete said. “Yeah, I’m good, how are you? …..Oh, that’s good….oh, did I? I’m sorry. What time is it there? ….oh, it’s only seven there? I’m sorry, I thought it was later………yeah….well, actually I wanted to tell you about something….uh-huh……well, I’m uh…I’m dating someone now….yeah, I know, it’s great….no, that’s not all I wanted to tell you…um…the thing is, is that…well, I really think that you’d like who I’m with now. He’s really great, mom! You’d love him………uhm, yeah. Him………………yes, mom. I know, mom!…..no……..do I really?…Why can’t YOU just tell him?!…..So?!…No, Mom, if he’s sleeping, don’t wake him up. I’m sure the last thing he wants to wake up to is a phone call from his son telling him that he’s gay!…………..Thank you!…….tell you about him? Well…his name’s Ryan and he’s in that one band that I signed not too long ago……yeah…….no, mom, he’s perfect for me, seriously……uh-huh…….well, maybe you’ll get to meet him after the tour…..yeah. Alright, well……I’ll talk to you later…..I love you too, mom…..bye,” Pete said and hung up. He let out a deep sigh of relief and then he grabbed Ryan’s face and kissed him.
“So?” Ryan said. Pete smiled.
“So when I first told her, I got lectured about safe sex and AIDS and stuff…”
“Uh-huh, that’s expected….”
“Yeah, but she took it better than I expected…but she wanted to wake up my dad so I could tell /him/. But I talked her out of it and…she’s fine with it!”
“That’s great!” Ryan said and kissed Pete. And then they started making out.
“This is cause for celebration,” Pete said, pulling away from Ryan.
“Oh yeah? And what kind of celebration do you have in mind?”
“Um…a break from our contest?”
“Wait. Does this mean that you’re giving up?”
“What? No! I mean…we should both bend the rules a bit for right now and - “
“You’re breaking, aren’t you?”
“No! I’m not, I - “
“I knew you couldn’t last a week without sex!”
“Ryan, shut up! I don’t want your sex! If that’s how you’re gonna be, then forget about all of that! I didn’t say anything about sex!”
“Whatever, dude. You’re so horny right now. You want to fuck me so badly. I can see it,” Ryan said.
“Maybe so, but…I don’t need to fuck you. I’ll just do it myself,” Pete said, reaching down and unzipping his pants.
“No, Pete! Don’t! That’s not fair! Peeete! Put that away! Put it away!”
“There /ARE/ other people on this bus, you know!” Andy’s voice called out from the bunk across from them. Ryan and Pete fell silent and both fought to hold back laughter.
“Sorry Andy!” Pete yelled, zipping his pants back up. Ryan stuffed his face into one of Pete’s pillows to stifle his laughter.

They arrived at the venue just before noon. They were playing at a Hard Rock Live venue that night so Ryan and Pete decided to go to the Hard Rock Café to get something to eat. The girl who seated them looked about seventeen and when she showed them to their table, she lingered for a second as if she was deciding what to do.
“Okay, so, I don’t want to sound rude or anything by asking this, but…I /have/ to know…..is it true?” she asked. Pete and Ryan looked at each other and smiled.
“Is /what/ true?” Pete asked. The girl looked nervous.
“Um…you know…that you two are uh….” she looked down as she talked and when she looked back up, she started stuttering even more. Pete and Ryan were kissing each other to tell her that it was, in fact, true. “Oh, um…okay…I uh…okay, so…” the girl stuttered.
“Yeah, it’s true,” Pete said when he pulled away from Ryan. The girl was smiling and it was apparent that she didn’t know what to say. She just nodded.
“Your waiter will be here to take your order soon,” she said and walked away looking awestruck.
“Well,” Ryan said, “That was awkward. On her part, I mean.”
“Ha ha, I know. She didn’t know what to do!” Pete said.
They laughed to themselves for a few seconds before their waiter came to take their orders. Soon after that, a group of two girls in their early teens and one of their mothers was seated near Pete and Ryan.
“Ohmygod! That’s Pete Wentz!” one of them whispered extremely loudly.
“Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!” the other one said. “Mom, look! Right behind you! He’s the guy that I’m obsessed with!”
Ryan looked at Pete who looked like he was trying hard not to laugh.
“Aw, Petey, she’s obsessed with you!” Ryan said, laughing a bit.
“Shutup,” Pete said.
“Should we go up to him?” one of the girls asked the other.
“I dunno! Does he look busy?” the other one replied.
“Well it looks like he’s just waiting for his food with his friend….”
“My /friend/,” Pete whispered to Ryan. Ryan laughed silently.
One of the girls stood up and grabbed the other one by the arm. The other one didn’t get up willingly, though.
“No, Katie! I don’t wanna!” she said.
“Sarah! When are you ever gonna get a chance to meet Pete Wentz again?!”
“Ugh! Fine!” she said and stood up. The girls walked over to Pete and Ryan’s table.
“Uhhhh…hi,” the one named Katie said.
“Hi,” Pete replied.
“Um…I was wondering…could you uh…can you sign….can you sign this?” she asked, holding out a napkin with shaking hands.
“Sure!” Pete said, taking the napkin from her. “Do you have a pen?” he asked. The other girl hurriedly began searching her purse and pulled out a pen.
“Here!” she said and shoved the pen at Pete. The pen fell from her hand and onto the floor between Pete’s and Ryan’s chairs. “Ohmygod! I’m sorry!”
“Oh, it’s alright,” Pete said as he went to get the pen, but Ryan was already reaching down to pick it up. “Aw, thanks, baby,” he said when Ryan handed it to him, their hands lingering on each other’s for a second. Pete signed the girl’s napkin.
“And I’m sure you want Ryan, here, to sign it too, right?” he said, smiling. The girls looked at each other and shrugged.
“Um…I guess so,” one said. Pete smiled again.
“You may not know him now but in a few months, I guarantee that his CD will be playing nonstop in your CD player. Maybe even in a few days. You can buy it tonight at the show!” The girls giggled nervously. Pete handed Ryan the napkin and pen, smiling. Ryan signed the napkin and handed it and the pen back to the girl closest to him.
“Thank you!” she squealed.
“Um…can we get a picture with you guys?” the other girl asked.
“Sure!” Pete said, standing up. He grabbed Ryan by the hand and made him stand up.
“Mom! Take a picture!” one of the girls yelled to her mom. Her mother stood up, taking a disposable camera from her purse. The girls got on either side of Pete.
“Ryan, baby, get in here,” Pete said. Ryan awkwardly got in the picture and the girl’s mother clicked the camera’s button.
“Thank you Pete!” one of the girls said when the picture was taken.
“You’re welcome,” Pete said.
“I can’t wait for the concert tonight! It’ll be /so/ awesome!”
“Well, I can’t wait to see you there,” Pete said.
“Yeah. Well, thank you Pete! And thank you uh…Ryan!”
“You’re welcome,” Pete and Ryan both said. And then the girls returned to their seats just a table away. Pete and Ryan both sat back down.
“Those girls have no idea who the fuck I am,” Ryan whispered, laughing. Pete laughed.
“Yeah, but they will.”
“Haha, okay.”
“Hold on, listen…they’re talking about us,” Pete said, nodding towards the girls.
“Katie, I think he’s gay!”
“What? Don’t say that! He’s not gay!”
“I think he is, though! And that Ryan guy, too…”
“Omigawsh! You think they’re gay…/together/?!”
“I don’t know, Katie! He kept calling him ‘baby’ and stuff!”
“Maybe he was just joking…?”
“I don’t know! I seriously think they are, Katie! Look, they /are/ sitting really close to each other…”
The girl named Katie quickly turned her head to look at Ryan and Pete who both developed a sudden interest in their silverware.
“They /are/!” she whispered very loudly and Ryan and Pete’s interest in their silverware disappeared and they had to fight to keep from laughing.
“Is it wrong that I’m enjoying this?” Ryan whispered to Pete.
“Not at all,” Pete said and placed his hand on Ryan’s.
“Do you think that they think that we seriously can’t hear them?”
“I have no idea,” Pete laughed. “But…do you want to make them really flip out?”
“Um…not really…”
“Aw, come on Ryan! Yes you do!”
“I do?”
“Yes, you do,” Pete said, taking hold of Ryan’s other hand.
“Pete, you’re breaking these poor girls’ hearts,” Ryan said. Pete laughed.
“Oh well. They’ll get over it eventually. Besides, it’s not like I want them to think that I’m uh…available,” he said and gave Ryan a quick kiss.
“Katieee! He just kissed him!” one of the girls whispered loudly.
“What?! Who kissed who?!”
“Pete kissed the other guy!”
“Oh my god! Pete’s gay! The love of my life is gay!”
“Katie, would you calm down? They can probably hear you with how loud you’re talking,” the mother said.
“Ohmigawd! Am I really talking that loud?!”
“You /both/ are! Think about how he would feel if he can hear you right now!”
“Aw, I like that mom,” Pete said to Ryan. Ryan nodded.
Soon, their food arrived and they stopped listening to the girls. When they finished, they left the restaurant holding hands, much to the dismay of the two girls.
That night, after the show was over, Pete and Ryan went back to the bus and started making out in Pete’s bunk.
“Only one more night left of this,” Pete said.
“Left of what? Us making out in your bunk? Or us /just/ making out?”
“Well, both, but I was mainly referring to us making out in my bunk,” Pete said. Ryan sighed.
“I know. I almost don’t want this tour to end.”
“I don’t want it to end. I really, really don’t. I’m having way too much fun out here…”
“Yeah…I don’t want to be away from you. And then we’ll have to go on separate tours and we’ll never get to see each other and - “
“Ryan, baby, it’ll be okay. We both have a couple weeks before our next tours and we can spend all that time together. Did you decide if you’re gonna come to Chicago with me yet?”
“Yeah, I think I will.”
“Really?! Yayy!” Pete squealed and covered Ryan’s mouth with his own. Then they made out until they were both breathing heavily.
“God…I can not wait until this stupid contest is over,” Pete said. “I am so horny…but I refuse to give up.” Ryan laughed.
“Yeah, I can uh…I can tell how horny you are,” Ryan said, looking down to where Pete’s erection was against his leg.
“You know…” Pete said, a mischievous smile coming to his face, “When we made up the rules for this contest, we never ruled out hand jobs…”
“We didn’t, did we?” Ryan said, smiling. Pete shook his head and then there was a lot of sudden movement in the bunk as Pete unbuttoned his pants and Ryan pulled them down for him. Ryan wrapped his hand around Pete’s erection but then pulled his hand away.
“I dunno, Pete…we didn’t actually rule it out but I mean…it /is/ kind of like cheating the rules a little bit…”
“Oh my god, Ryan, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You’re taking this stupid contest way too seriously!”
“Am I? Well…okay. I’ll give you a hand job if you give up and admit that you can’t go a week without sex.”
“What?! No way! I /can/ go a week. I don’t need your stupid hand job!” he said, pulling up his pants.
“Aw, now you’re all upset!” Ryan said, smiling.
“No I’m not,” Pete said, pouting.
“Yes you are! Look at you! You look like you’re ready to cry!”
“No I don’t! I’m just…thinking about how I’ll get you back for this,” he said and Ryan laughed.
“Whatever, dude.”

That night, Brendon, Brent, and Spencer insisted that Ryan be stuck in the van with them. As soon as they set off, Ryan pulled out his Sidekick and signed on AIM.

brokehalo7: hey hot stuff

i amclandestine: hey

brokehalo7: i have something for you.

i amclandestine: do you?

brokehalo7: yep. i'm sending it right now.

brokehalo7: ........

brokehalo7: ....sent. go check your mail =)

i amclandestine: okay. brb.


Ryan went to check his mail and found one from Pete entitled “my revenge”. He clicked on it and waited for it to load. When it finally loaded, Ryan’s mouth dropped open before he erupted in a loud fit of giggles which soon turned into a coughing it.
“Dude, Ryan, what the fuck?” Brent said, sitting up and staring at Ryan. Ryan shook his head while coughing to show Brent that he was unable to talk at the moment.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Brent yelled, trying to see the screen of Ryan’s Sidekick. Ryan shook his head again and pulled his Sidekick to his chest.
“What’s going ON back there?” Brendon said, sitting up from the seat in front of them. Ryan was still having a coughing fit.
“I don’t know! Ryan’s like, dying back here and I don’t know why!” Brent said and then reached out and snatched Ryan’s Sidekick out of his hands.
“No! You don’t want to see it!” Ryan yelled between coughs.
“OH MY FUCKING GOD!” Brent screamed when he saw the screen of the Sidekick. Then he threw the Sidekick back at Ryan.
“What is it?!” Brendon, Spencer, and the tech in the van all yelled.
“Oh my god! I’m fucking scarred for life! I’ll never be able to live the same way!”
“I told you not to look!” Ryan said, finally recovering from his coughing fit.
“Well I didn’t know - “
“What was it?!” Brendon asked again.
“I can’t…I don’t….I can’t even say it,” Brent said. Brendon looked to Ryan.
“Ryan, what is it?!”
“Seriously, dude, you don’t want to know!” Brent warned him.
“Yes I do!” Brent shrugged and picked up the Sidekick that had been thrown back at Ryan and handed it to Brendon.
“OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?! DUDE, THAT’S FUCKING SICK!” he yelled when he looked at it.
“I told you!” Brent said. Ryan pulled his Sidekick away from Brendon.
“I told you not to look at it!” he said.
“What is it?” Spencer asked from the driver’s seat. “I don’t want to look at it, I just want to know.”
“It’s….oh god, I can’t say it,” Brendon said. “Dude, that’s so gross. Why the fuck…ugh!” he said to Ryan.
“Can you please not call my boyfriend’s penis gross?” Ryan said.
“Whoa! What? It’s Pete’s dick?!” Spencer yelled.
“YES!” Ryan, Brent, and Brendon yelled.
“No way! Let me see!” Spencer said.
“What?! Don’t tell me that you’re going gay on us too, Spence,” Brent said.
“No! It’s not like that! I just can’t really believe that!”
“Whatever, dude,” Brendon said as Ryan sighed and handed the Sidekick to Brendon who showed it to Spencer. Spencer just shook his head.
“The only thing that really disturbs me is knowing that /that/ was um…you know…in your uh…ass,” he said.
“Ew, dude, shut up!” Brendon said, handing the Sidekick back to Ryan. Ryan just shrugged.
“It’s true,” he said.
“Argh! Didn’t need to know that!” Brent said. Ryan shrugged again and then went back on his Sidekick and IMed Pete again.

i amclandestine: nice.

brokehalo7: yeah?

i amclandestine: yep. and now my whole band knows what your penis looks like.

brokehalo7: do they? now how did that happen?

i amclandestine: oh, them just being nosey bastards.

brokehalo7: i see. so that one kind of backfired on me, didn't it?

i amclandestine: yeah, basically. but i think you also got me back pretty good for not giving you that hand job earlier.

brokehalo7: oh, well that's good. that was the main thing i was shooting for.

i amclandestine: yep.

brokehalo7: well this conversation is just bursting with excitement.

i amclandestine: lol, i know.

brokehalo7: well, im gonna try to go to sleep now. iloveyouuuu.

i amclandestine: iloveyouuuutoooo. goodnight<3

brokehalo7: goodnight, baby. tomorrow at this time out contest will be over =0

brokehalo7 signed off at 01:32:57 AM

brokehalo7: hey sexy

i amclandestine: hey!

brokehalo7: sup?

i amclandestine: nothing. driving.

brokehalo7: you're driving?

i amclandestine: well, no. spencers driving but i'm...riding.

brokehalo7: damn. i wish you were riding ME =)

i amclandestine: haha. so do I

brokehalo7: oh yeah. next time we...YOU KNOW...on my bus, remind me to make sure that the used condom gets out of sight, okay? because joe kind of freaked out on me when he saw it in the trash =/

i amclandestine: hahaha. seriously?

brokehalo7: yeah. i got lectured for about two minutes.
i amclandestine: haha. i think i'm about to get lectured by brent soon...

brokehalo7: what for?

i amclandestine: one, because the volume on my sk is up and i don't feel like turning it down/off. and two, because i keep laughing out loud.

brokehalo7: haha. you're lol-ing

i amclandestine: yes, exactly.

brokehalo7: you're so cute <3

i amclandestine: you're so hot <3

brokehalo7: you're so goddamn sexy <3

brokehalo7: i want to fuck you <3

i amclandestine: you already did =)

brokehalo7: well then, i want to AGAIN =D

i amclandestine: tomorrow <3

brokehalo7: no. now.

i amclandestine: over sks?

brokehalo7: sure! why the fuck not?!

i amclandestine: you're a dirty, dirty boy, peter

brokehalo7: yes, i'm well aware of that

i amclandestine: agh. Brb

i amclandestine is away at 12:47:06 A.M.

i amclandestine returned at 12:47:37 A.M.

i amclandestine: sorry...brent just read everything dirty that we just said =/

brokehalo7: hahahaha. and?

i amclandestine: and he made brendon switch seats with him

brokehalo7: hahaha. pussy.

i amclandestine: lmao. that's what i said

brokehalo7: hahaha. seems like we just cant keep our dirtiness to ourselves tonight

i amclandestine: hahaha. oh well. but now brent switched seats with brendon and brendons already asleep. so...you know...there's no one in the seat with me that will look at my sk... =)

brokehalo7: =)

brokehalo7: you're so dirty, ryan

i amclandestine: i know

brokehalo7: but thats good. i like dirty boys

i amclandestine: yeah, i like dirty boys, too. especially dirty boys as sexy as you

brokehalo7: yeah, especially dirty, sexy boys with a penis as big as mine =)

i amclandestine: hahahaha. yes thats always nice =) except my ass hurts a little bit =(

brokehalo7: aww, i'm sorry babyyyyyy =(

i amclandestine: it's okay =) i mean, it doesn't hurt bad enough for me to never want to have sex with you again

brokehalo7: well THATS good! if that were the case i'd probably go through some serious withdrawal

i amclandestine: you're too horny. i should refuse to have sex with you for a week just to see if you could last

brokehalo7: you wouldn't do that

i amclandestine: oh? and why not?

brokehalo7: because that would mean that you couldn't have sex either. and i know that you're just as, if not MORE horny than i am

i amclandestine: you wanna bet?

brokehalo7: why yes, in fact, i do

i amclandestine: you're on

brokehalo7: so no sex for a week?

i amclandestine: no sex for a week.

brokehalo7: does oral count?

i amclandestine: umm......yes.

brokehalo7: you'll break before i do

i amclandestine: no way

brokehalo7: wait, one more question

i amclandestine: what?

brokehalo7: what are we playing for?

i amclandestine: um......sex

brokehalo7: hahahahha. no sex for sex?

i amclandestine: as fucked up as that sounds...yes

brokehalo7: okay so...if i win, you do whatever i want you to do in bed and vice versa. and if both of us can last?

i amclandestine: sex extravaganza

brokehalo7: so this is basically a win/win situation. even if we lose we still get action

i amclandestine: well, yes, but we'll have the pleasure of knowing that we won =)

brokehalo7: double-pleasure

i amclandestine: mhm

brokehalo7: well then, i can't wait until you break...and you're BEGGING me for sex.

i amclandestine: oh, you just wait

i amclandestine: i'll talk to you tomorrow

brokehalo7: goodnight, baby

brokehalo7: i love you

i amclandestine: i love you more

brokehalo7: i love you most.

i amclandestine: i love you most-er-est

brokehalo7: i love you more than sex. i win. goodnight.

brokehalo7 signed off at 2:06:54 A.M.

Ryan closed his Sidekick, smiling and immediately fell asleep.
The next morning, when Ryan got out of the van after they had arrived in the next city, Pete greeted him with a kiss.
“So, how are you doing so far?” Pete asked.
“Me? Oh, fine. I couldn’t want to have sex less right now. How about you?”
“Perfect. I am /so/ not horny. I’ll definitely be able to last all week. Hell, you might as well make it all month with how well I’m doing!”
“Really? You wanna make it a month instead?” Ryan asked.
“What?! No! That was just a joke! A week is long enough,” Pete said. Ryan laughed.
“That’s what I thought,” he said and kissed Pete. When he pulled away from Pete, he saw Brendon and Brent standing by the van watching them and talking quietly to each other. Ryan sighed. And then he looked to Pete.
“Um, I’ll talk to you later, okay?” he said. Pete nodded. Ryan gave Pete and quick kiss and then started walking towards Brendon and Brent.
“Um…hey,” he said to them.
“Hey,” they both replied.
“Um…I uh…I think we should talk,” Ryan said. Brendon raised his eyebrows.
“You do?” he asked.
“Yeah. Um…look, I overheard you guys when you were talking after the show last night and I really don’t want all this awkwardness between us so…I really think we should talk,” he said. Brendon and Brent looked at each other and then back at Ryan.
“Um. Alright. Do you want me to go find Spencer?” Brent asked.
“Uh…yeah,” Ryan said.
After Spencer was found, the four of them sat down backstage.
“Okay, so…I overheard you guys last night and I just want to clear some things up…”
“You know, you weren’t supposed to hear that,” Brendon said.
“Well, no kidding! I mean, if you wanted to call me a fag to my face, I’m sure you would have!”
“Look, Ryan…when I said that, I didn’t mean it how it sounded…”
“Yeah, okay, because ‘fag’ is such a nice word, right?”
“Well, no, but…”
“But what?! Look, if you have a problem with me dating Pete…just tell me!”
“Yes! Okay! Yes, I have a problem with you dating Pete! There, I said it!” Brendon yelled, standing up from the couch he was sitting on. Ryan looked taken aback. Brent and Spencer looked at each other.
“…what?” Ryan said.
“I don’t like you being with Pete! I’m sorry, but it’s just weird! It’s gross! It’s wrong!”
“Whoa. Dude. When the fuck did you turn into such a fucking homophobe?”
“I’m not a homophobe. It’s just that you being with Pete is weird! I mean, how would you feel if all the sudden I decided to break up with Audrey and go out with…Brent?”
“Whoa, dude, let’s leave me out of this,” Brent said. Ryan sighed.
“You don’t understand, Brendon. Do you think that I’m just dating Pete to try out something new or something?”
“I dunno. That’s sort of what it seems like. I mean, all this time, none of us had any idea that you were gay or bi or whatever you are…”
“Yeah, I didn’t really, either. But believe me, I’m not just with Pete because I’m…curious or whatever…I seriously /love/ him.”
“Ryan, do you have any idea how weird this is for us? Or, me, at least. I mean, I’m so used to seeing you with girls and now all the sudden, everywhere I turn, there’s you making out with Pete.”
“Okay, so…you’re just not used to it yet. Give it some time and then you’ll be used to seeing me making out with Pete all the time.” Brendon sighed.
“I don’t know, Ry. This is all so…/weird/.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard.”
“I…I’ll try. To…you know…”
“Yeah, I know…” Ryan said. And then Brendon gave him a quick, awkward hug. Ryan turned to Brent and Spencer who had been sitting silently basically the whole time.
“Do you guys have anything to add to that?” he asked.
“Um…yeah, we’ll uh…we’ll try to uhm…you know…too,” Brent said. Spencer nodded in agreement. “Oh, but uhm…one more thing, Ry.”
“Hmm?”
“Can you guys try to like…control yourselves just a little bit? I mean, I don’t want to vomit every time I read something on your Sidekick or something.”
“Or you could just not look at my Sidekick anymore,” Ryan said, laughing.
“Or you guys could not have cybersex,” Brent argued.
“Dude, that wasn’t cybersex, dumbass.”
“Then what was it?!”
“Oh, just some dirty talk over Sidekicks.”
“That’s basically the same thing!”
“Whatever,” Ryan said.
“Well next thing we know, we’ll be walking in on you guys having sex every ten minutes!” Brent said.
“No, actually. We’re not having sex again for a week,” Ryan said. Brent shook his head.
“You guys are weird.”



When the guys finished talking, they left the backstage room and Ryan sought out Pete.
“Hey!” Ryan said.
“Hey! So…?” Pete said.
“Well…I talked to them and…everything is fine now!”
“That’s great! So…what did you say to them?”
“Well, I barely even remember. But…there was a little bit of yelling but…it’s all good now,” Ryan said.
“I’m proud of you,” Pete said and kissed Ryan. And they kissed each other for a while. Pete slid his hands under Ryan’s shirt and up his sides. Ryan pulled away for a second.
“You aren’t breaking already, are you?” Ryan asked.
“What? No! Are you?”
“No way.”
“Oh. Well. That’s good,” Pete said. And then Ryan started laughing.
“I know what you’re trying to do. /You’re/ trying to get /me/ to break, aren’t you?”
“…Um…no. Why would I do that?”
“Because you’re such a horny bastard but you have too much pride to give up! So you’re trying to get me to give up!”
“Well………/maybe/…” Pete said.
“Oh, so you wanna play like this? Alright. We’ll play like this,” Ryan said, smiling.
“Oh great. This contest just got about fifty times more intense.”
“Yes it did,” Ryan said.


Later that day, Ryan was getting ready for sound check, he pulled out his Sidekick to put up his away message. Right before he managed to put it up, an IM popped up. From Jac.

a shot of jac: hey

i amclandestine: hi

a shot of jac: so um. i heard about you and pete

i amclandestine: oh you did? from who?

a shot of jac: audrey. who heard it from brendon

i amclandestine: oh.

a shot of jac: and im really sorry that i got all upset and out of control when u broke up with me. but you should have just told me that...you know, are gay or whatever.

i amclandestine: im sorry. honestly, i was really confused then.

a shot of jac: yeah i understand. and im sure youre busy so...i'll let you go. i just wanted to tell you that im sorry and that...i still want to be your friend and stuff

i amclandestine: im sorry, too. i guess i should have told you what was going on. and im glad you still want to be friends. i really didnt like how it all ended.

a shot of jac: me either. well, i'll talk to you later, kay? and im really happy for you and pete.

i amclandestine: thanks =) i'll talk to you later. =) bye

a shot of jac: bye =)

i amclandestine is away at 04:26:19 PM



Ryan put his Sidekick back in his pocket, glad that things had been resolved with Jac. Now everything seemed perfect. His band mates accepted his decision to be with Pete, his ex-girlfriend accepted it and wanted to be friends again. The only thing that wasn’t perfect right now was the fact that he couldn’t have sex with his boyfriend.
Ryan knew that Pete would be watching both sound check and the show, so when Ryan got changed into his stage clothes, he picked out a pair of his tightest pinstriped pants as to taunt Peter.
“Not leaving much to the imagination, Ry, are you?” Brendon said when he saw Ryan. Ryan just smiled.
“That’s the point,” he said.
“What, to have all the girls swoon all over you so their hearts get broken when they find out that they can’t have you?”
“Um. Basically,” Ryan said, laughing.
All through sound check, Ryan could feel Pete staring at him. And when sound check was over, Pete came up to Ryan with a facial expression along the lines of half-smile, half-grimace.
“You’re cruel,” he said to Ryan. Ryan smiled and kissed Pete.
“I know,” he said.
“Do you have any idea how amazing your ass looks in those pants?”
“Um…no. Good enough to fuck?”
“Well…………yeah…”
“Oh, that’s too bad. Because you can’t,” Ryan said and smiled.
“Oh, that’s okay. I don’t think I really want to right now anyways. I’ve gotta go to sound check. I’ll see you later,” Pete said.
Ryan watched Fall Out Boy’s sound check. And Pete was overly-sexual, like normal.
And then they played the show.
When Fall Out Boy finished playing, Pete sauntered offstage, dripping with sweat. He handed his bass to a tech and immediately grabbed Ryan and began to make out with him. But since neither of them were willing to give up after only one day, that’s as far as they took it.
When Ryan was back in the van, headed towards the next city, he pulled out his Sidekick and an IM popped up from Pete.


brokehalo7: hey.

i amclandestine: hi! whats up?

brokehalo7: not much. just thinking about you and jacking off

i amclandestine: oh, thats nice to know

brokehalo7: yeah, i figured you'd think so. what are you doing?

i amclandestine: nothing. talking to you. there's never anything to do in a goddamn van

brokehalo7: you should join me on my bus some time. we could share a bunk =) and since we're not having sex right now, we wouldn't disturb anyone

i amclandestine: hmm. maybe i should.

brokehalo7: you definitely should. tomorrow night, maybe?

i amclandestine: maybe =)


Ryan and Pete talked for a while longer before Pete signed off to go to sleep. Just as Ryan was about to sign off, another IM popped up. This time it was from one of Ryan’s best friends, Paulina.


hisxtoxicxkiss: Ryannn!

i amclandestine: paulinaaaa!

hisxtoxicxkiss: it's been forever since I've talked to you!

i amclandestine: i know! how've you been?

hisxtoxicxkiss: i've been good.

i amclandestine: that's good.

hisxtoxicxkiss: yeah. so, I heard something today and it's pretty crazy. so crazy that I wanted to ask you about it.

i amclandestine: yeah? and what would this be?

hisxtoxicxkiss: well, I heard about your breakup with jac...and then I heard that you were dating someone else...

i amclandestine: yeah?

hisxtoxicxkiss: yeah. so all of this is true so far?

i amclandestine: yeah, it is.

hisxtoxicxkiss: okay, well...does this "someone else" happen to be...Pete Wentz?!

i amclandestine: um, yes, actually, it is...

hisxtoxicxkiss: AWW! SERIOUSLY?!

i amclandestine: haha, yes

hisxtoxicxkiss: omg, that's so fucking cute!

i amclandestine: hahah. so where, exactly, did you hear this?

hisxtoxicxkiss: well, I read in Jac's journal about you guys being on speaking terms again after the breakup (which NOBODY told me about. THANKS.) and she mentioned something about you having someone else now. So me, being the curious / nosey bitch that I am, went to your journal to see if there was anything about any of that. But since you haven't updated in like, a month, there was nothing. But I looked at some of the comments on your last entry and there were like, three from last night / this morning and they were all from people who had apparently gone to the show last night and had seen you with pete and wanted to congratulate you / tell you how cute you were together, etc. So then I looked at one of the peoples profiles and they were a member of a Pete / Ryan comm. Which I went to. and there were pictures of you guys holding hands.

i amclandestine: damn, girl, you did some major detective work today.

hisxtoxicxkiss: lol, i know. but I wasn't sure if the picture was real or not...you know, with all these photoshop programs and stuff...so i figured I'd ask you.

i amclandestine: well, it's true =)

hisxtoxicxkiss: that's so cute. but.......when did you turn...guy-liking?

i amclandestine: guy-liking? hahaha. you mean gay?

hisxtoxicxkiss: well...yeah. haha. i didn't want to offend you or anything...

i amclandestine: haha, it's okay. i don't know when i turned "guy-liking" but...i realized that i really liked pete in the "guy-liking" way after i had sex dreams about him a few weeks ago.

hisxtoxicxkiss: sex dreams? kinky.

i amclandestine: i know

hisxtoxicxkiss: so, if you realized that you liked pete a few weeks ago, why did it take so long for you to finally get together? or were you just keeping it a secret from everyone?

i amclandestine: no, it wasn't a secret. it took so long because...well...there were some complications.

hisxtoxicxkiss: ohhh. complications? such as...?

i amclandestine: such as the fact that pete was in love with patrick.

hisxtoxicxkiss: whoa! Patrick STUMP, patrick?!

i amclandestine: yeah, patrick stump.

hisxtoxicxkiss: this is a lot of information to be receiving all in one night!

i amclandestine: lol, i know.

hisxtoxicxkiss: okay, okay. so pete was in love with patrick. so how did he become yours?

i amclandestine: well...pete thought about it for a while...because when he found out that i liked him, he liked patrick and then...(this is a really long, confusing story) but then he told me that he wanted to be with me and...yeah.

hisxtoxicxkiss: aww, that's so cute! and it wasn't that long or confusing

i amclandestine: well...i left a lot out.

hisxtoxicxkiss: ohh, okay. aww, my little ryan's growing up so fast! dating a guy 7 years older than him!

i amclandestine: hahaha

hisxtoxicxkiss: but you know, there's gonna be a lot of rumors flying all over now.

i amclandestine: yeah, i know...i should probably just come out and tell the whole world, shouldn't i?

hisxtoxicxkiss: yeah. and there's no better way to do that than livejournal!

i amclandestine: hahaha. you're right.

hisxtoxicxkiss: i know. well, i'm gonna go now. bedtime =) i'll talk to you later.

i amclandestine: alright. goodnight paulina

hisxtoxicxkiss: goodnight. tell pete that i'll kill him if he hurts you at all, 'kay?

i amclandestine: lol. alright.

hisxtoxicxkiss: goodnight!

hisxtoxicxkiss is away at 01:26:09 AM


Ryan decided to take Paulina’s advice and put a stop to any crazy rumours. So he signed into LiveJournal and went to update his journal.

“Yes, it’s true.
Me + Pete Wentz = <3
So no more rumors, okay?”

After he updated his journal, he went to his friends page. The first one on there was Pete.

“No sex for a week. But I’ve never been more in love.
XO Peterpanda”

Ryan fought to hold back a massive amount of giggles that were trying to escape him.
After Pete’s entry, there were about twenty from the Panic! community. And then he came across an entry from Jac.

“I talked to him today. The first time we’ve talked since we broke up. I guess it was hard for me to accept it at first. But he’s happy. He has a new person to love and I couldn’t be happier for them. Even though the <3’s are replaced with = )’s, we’re back on speaking terms. I hope everything works out for him. I still love him but I’m learning to love him in a different way.

Aud, Alysia, and Candace tomorrow night.
Fucking party. Expect a lot of drunk pictures.

X/O Jacquelineeeee.”


Ryan suddenly felt sort of bad. When he broke up with Jac, he hadn’t really thought about her at all. Even though she was getting over it now, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He signed out of LiveJournal, closed his Sidekick and curled up in his seat and fell asleep.

And the tour went on. For days after, Ryan and Pete barely made any contact. And no one mentioned anything that had happened.
It was a week later and Ryan hadn’t had any more dreams about Peter. But even so, Ryan couldn’t stop thinking about him. But now that Pete had told him, Ryan could suddenly see the way that Pete looked at Patrick. It was almost exactly the same way that Ryan looked at Pete. And Ryan couldn’t help but feel angry and jealous of Patrick. Pete was so in love with him and he didn’t even know. And even if he did know, it’s not like he would ever do anything. Patrick had a girlfriend. And he was straight. Ryan could not understand why Pete was wasting his time being in love with Patrick when Patrick had a girlfriend. But then again, Ryan couldn’t understand why /he/ was wasting /his/ time being in love with Pete when Pete was so hopelessly in love with Patrick. And then Ryan understood what Pete meant when he said that he couldn’t accept not having Patrick.
Because Ryan couldn’t accept not having Pete.

It was the last week of the Nintendo Fusion Tour. The last week of being forced to see Pete. Forced to see Pete in love with Patrick.
The Panic! van arrived at the next venue just as the sun started coming up. Most of the guys were still sleeping. Ryan, however, wasn’t, so he got out of the van to walk around the venue. He walked, his head tilted downward, his hands in his pockets. And as he turned a corner, he saw another person walking towards him. And there was no way to avoid him. They were the only two people around and they were walking right towards each other. This was going to be extremely awkward, no doubt about that.
“Hey,” Pete said softly when he saw Ryan.
“Hi,” Ryan replied. They stopped in front of each other. The silence was extremely awkward but neither of them knew what to say and it wasn’t like they could just continue walking.
“So uhh…what are you doing out and about?” Pete asked. Ryan shrugged.
“I was uncomfortable in the van. I needed air…what about you?”
“Same, basically,” Pete said.
“Mhm………”
More awkward silence.
“Uhh…you know, I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you…” Pete said.
“Oh…uh…okay….”
“Um…I’ve uh…I’ve been thinking about uh…what happened uh…you know……a lot,” Pete said. Ryan nodded.
“Yeah, me too…”
“And I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. And…uh…well…I told you that I’m in love with Patrick. And I told you that I can’t accept not being with him. But…I think it’s time for me to start trying……”
“…What do you mean?” Ryan asked.
“I mean…I want to be with you, Ryan. I’m ready to move on and be with someone and be happy. And I want to be with…you.” Ryan didn’t say anything.
“No,” he finally said. Pete looked taken aback.
“…what?”
“No. I…I can’t. Pete, you had your chance. You did. And you didn’t take it. You /wouldn’t/ take it. You told me that you were in love with Patrick and that that wouldn’t change. So why, all of a sudden, did it? Pete, I don’t just want to be a thing to help you get over him. Because what if you don’t? What if you don’t get over him and I’m the one that gets hurt? Again? I made the mistake of falling in love with you. And now I’m trying to get over you because /you/ said that we would never be together. And unlike you, I’m not gonna sit around and wait until you change your mind. But you did change your mind. But how do I know that you changed it for good? I don’t. And maybe if you told me that you needed time to think about it, then maybe I’d be more understanding. But you told me that you love Patrick. And you do, Pete. You love Patrick, /not/ me.”
“But…but what if I want to love you? What if I’m sick of waiting to be happy? You and I both know that Patrick will never love me back. And it’s hard to love someone that doesn’t love you back. But Ryan…you /do/ love me back. Or so you said. And I want to love you back. Neither of us are happy right now. Give me another chance, Ryan. Believe me when I say that I don’t want to hurt you. Yeah, I had my chance, and yeah, I blew it. And I realize that I made a huge mistake when I told you that I didn’t want to be with you. Please, Ryan…please…” Ryan remained silent, letting this all sink in.
“Pete, I don’t know…” he said, looking down at the ground. He heard Pete come closer to him. Pete lifted Ryan’s chin so that they were eye-to-eye.
“Ryan…just…trust me,” Pete whispered as he brought Ryan’s face to his own. And they kissed. And it was perfect. Everything seemed perfect.
“Mm…Pete……fuck me…” Ryan said, after some time. Pete pulled away from Ryan.
“No. Not yet. I want this to be perfect, Ryan,” Pete said. And Ryan smiled.
“You’re perfect,” he said and kissed Pete again.



Later that night, right before Panic! was about to go onstage, the Fall Out Boy guys were with them by the side entrance to the stage. Pete looked to Ryan and Ryan nodded.
“Hey, um, guys? Ryan and I need to tell you something,” Pete said. Spencer shot a questioning glance at Ryan and Ryan just smiled. All the guys told them to go ahead.
“Um, well…Ryan and I…we um, well…” Pete said, moving closer to Ryan and grabbing his hand. “We’re uh…we’re together now…” There was a few seconds of silence before there was an outburst of noise from all the guys.
“Oh my god, that’s so great!” “Aww, you guys are perfect for each other!” “That’s fucking beautiful!” they all said. And then there was a lot of hugging.
“I had no idea that either of you were gay…or bi…or whatever,” Brent said. Pete shrugged.
“Well, consider this as our coming out of the closet,” Pete said, smiling. And then Panic! went onstage. And to Ryan, it was one of the best shows he’d ever played. He couldn’t stop smiling the whole time. And when he got offstage, Pete was right there, waiting for him to get off. Pete grabbed Ryan and kissed him and they stood there, kissing, with Ryan’s guitar between them. If anyone was passing them, they didn’t notice.
“Hey, guys, they have rooms for these types of things,” Patrick said, snapping them out of their intense make-out session. Pete looked at Patrick.
“Sorry,” he said, smiling. He grabbed Ryan’s arm and directed him towards the backstage room. Ryan took his guitar off of him and held it by the neck as Pete opened the door to the backstage room. They were about to go inside but the sound of voices stopped them.
“Where’s Ryan?” they heard Brent ask.
“Probably making out with Pete or something,” Brendon said.
“Hey, do either of you find all of this like…a little weird?” Brent asked.
“A little but,” Spencer said.
“Yeah…” Brendon said. “I mean…when the fuck did Ryan turn into a fag?”
“Yeah, really…like, this is all really sudden,” Brent said.
“Not really,” Spencer chimed in. “I mean, I’m not really supposed to tell you this but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore but…you remember Ryan’s sex dreams, right? Well, they were about Pete……”
“Well then, not only is Ryan a fag, but he’s a liar, too. Because he told me that his dreams /weren’t/ about Pete. And after that I guess I just sort of forgot about it,” Brendon said.
“I didn’t really want to say anything to Ryan because he looked so happy when they told us but……this is really fucked up,” Brent said. And then Pete slowly closed the door, shutting Brendon, Brent, and Spencer away from him and Ryan. He looked to Ryan. And he looked hurt. Very hurt. He didn’t really move. He stood there, looking at the closed door, still holding his guitar by the neck.
“Come on, Ry, let’s go somewhere else,” Pete said softly, grabbing Ryan by the arm again and turning him around. They walked together in silence, unsure of where, exactly, they were going. Finally they found a secluded area right outside of one of the backstage exits. Ryan finally set his guitar down, leaning it up against the wall. And then Pete pulled him to him and they stood, embracing each other for a while. When Ryan finally pulled away from Pete, he had tears in his eyes.
“Why would they say something like that?” he whispered, his voice shaky. Pete pulled Ryan back to him.
“I don’t know, Ryan…I don’t know,” he said, stroking Ryan’s head. “But it’ll be okay…I promise.” Ryan looked up at Pete, tears starting to run down his face.
“iloveyoupete,” he muttered. Pete didn’t say anything back. He just kissed Ryan and Ryan kissed Pete. And they kissed each other until Ryan was pinned against the wall and their mouths seemed permanently connected. And nothing seemed to matter anymore. Everything that he had heard was erased from Ryan’s mind. All that mattered right now was Pete. But before he knew it, Pete had to leave him and go perform.
“As soon as I’m done…me, you, bus. Okay?” Pete said, smiling. Ryan smiled and nodded.
“Gotcha,” he said. They both went back inside, Pete heading towards the stage, Ryan walking towards the room where he had overheard Brendon. Brent, and Spencer earlier. He walked inside, not worrying about awkwardness because there were other people in there besides Brendon, Spencer, and Brent now. They barely even noticed him as he slipped in. He stayed there until Fall Out Boy took the stage, during which he relocated to the side of the stage to watch. But as it went on, Ryan did not watch the show. He watched Pete. Only Pete. Pete jumping around. Pete licking his bass. Pete licking Joe’s guitar. Pete jumping into the crowd….
“I want to thank all of you guys for coming out tonight!” Pete yelled into the microphone. “And I also want to thank all the other great bands that played tonight! Everyone give it up for Boys Night Out!” he paused as the crowd roared deafeningly. “How about The Starting Line!” The crowd cheered. “Motion City Soundtrack!” Cheers. “And of course,” Pete said, placing a hand over his chest, “my boys in Panic! At The fucking Disco!” He paused to let the crowd finish screaming. “In fact! Everyone say hi to Ryan over there…on the count of three, I want you all to scream ‘hi Ryan’ as loud as you can. Okay? One…two…three!” And the crowd screamed “Hi Ryan!” Ryan smiled, blushing a little, and stepped a little bit more onto the stage and waved.
“Okay…,” Pete sad, “Now, on the count of three, I want you all to yell ‘Pete loves you, Ryan.’ Okay? One…two…three!”
“PETE LOVES YOU, RYAN!” the crowd screamed. Ryan blushed and smiled some more.
“You guys are fucking amazing! Now, I just need you to do one more thing for me, okay? On the count of three, I want you to yell ‘Pete can’t wait to molest you while you’re sleeping tonight, Ryan’. Okay?” he said, pausing to laugh for a second and looking over to Ryan who was also laughing. “Okay, one…two…three!”
“PETE CAN’T WAIT TO MOLEST YOU WHILE YOU’RE SLEEPING TONIGHT, RYAN!” they yelled. Pete laughed.
“Alright, thanks you guys! Now this next song I’m dedicating to Ryan because thanks to him, I know where my boy is tonight. This song is called ‘Grand Theft Autumn’,” he said and the crowd screamed. And Patrick who had been laughing only seconds before started singing.
“Where is your boy tonight, I hope he is a gentleman. And maybe he won’t find out what I know. You were the last good thing about this part of town,” Patrick sang. And then they played the song. Pete and Ryan were looking at each other the entire song. And then towards the end of the song, Pete went over to where Ryan was standing and kissed him. Everyone in the crowd that saw it went crazy. Patrick, Joe, and Andy all looked to see what all the commotion was about then all just looked at each other, smiling and rolling their eyes a bit.
They finished their show and as soon as he was off, Pete handed his bass to a tech, grabbed Ryan by the hand and dragged him out the door.
When they got outside, a few fans were already out there by the bus. A couple of them saw Pete and in about half a second, they were crowded around Pete and Ryan. Most of them gave all of their attention to Pete and didn’t even notice Ryan. Pete signed some autographs and took some pictures.
“So are you guys like, dating or something?” a teenaged girl asked Pete, motioning towards Ryan. Pete smiled. Ryan blushed.
“I’ll let you decide that,” Pete replied, smiling. The girl who had asked looked to her friend and they both smiled. And then they both asked Ryan for autographs and a picture.
“Hey, I’m sorry guys, but we’re gonna both go now. Thanks so much for coming out,” Pete said to the ever-growing group of fans. And then he grabbed Ryan’s hand again and they walked to the bus. When they reached the door of the bus, Pete turned to face Ryan who was smiling.
“You don’t care? I mean, everyone knowing?” Ryan asked. Pete smiled.
“No…in fact, I kind of want them to know……It doesn’t bother /you/, does it?”
“No! Of course not! I love you, Pete. And I don’t give a fuck who knows.”
“That’s good. Because I guarantee you that every single one of those girls that we just met will hop on their computers as soon as they get home, log onto LiveJournal and I’ll bet you that by the end of the week, there will be at least ten communities dedicated to Pete and Ryan slash fan fictions,” he said, opening the bus door. Ryan laughed.
“And let me guess, you’ll join every single one of them?” Ryan asked, stepping into the bus.
“Of course. I love to see all the dirty things people write about me. Especially if they involve you!” Pete closed the door to the bus and smiled at Ryan. And then they both started taking their clothes off. Pete kissed Ryan as he unbuttoned his pants. Ryan frantically unbuttoned his vest and threw it off and started unbuttoning his shirt.
“Hey Pete?” he asked, pulling away from Pete for a second.
“Huh?”
“What happened to waiting?” Pete smiled.
“Hey, that was practically a whole day of waiting. And I don’t know about you, but that’s a long fucking time,” he said, pulling Ryan back to him. They both stripped down to their underwear and Pete grabbed Ryan by the hand and pulled him to the back of the bus, towards the bunks.
“If anyone else comes on the bus, they’ll see our clothes and not go any farther,” he said, pulling open the curtain to his bunk. “I know it’s small but…we’ll make it work…” he said, climbing into his bunk, Ryan following. Ryan climbed on top of Pete, kissing him. Pete wrapped his arms around Ryan’s lower back and began peeling off his underwear. Pete got Ryan’s underwear about halfway off and Ryan pulled them off the rest of the way.
“Ryan…” Pete said, “You’re shaking…” Ryan smiled.
“I’m nervous,” he said. Pete smiled and kissed Ryan.
“Don’t be,” he said and kissed him again. He rolled them over so that he was on top and removed his own underwear. “Hold on,” he said, climbing out of the bunk. “I’ll be right back.” Ryan sat up. He was shaking so bad. He was so nervous. He had been waiting for this moment for so long, he almost couldn’t believe that it was really happening. Pete soon returned, tearing open a condom and holding a tube of lube. Pete rolled on the condom and crawled back into the bunk. He opened the bottle of lube and coated it onto his fingers. He leaned over and kissed Ryan.
“If I hurt you, tell me,” he said. Ryan nodded. Pete kissed him again as he began to lube Ryan’s entrance. Ryan moaned and bit down on both his and Pete’s bottom lip. Pete stopped for a second.
“Did I hurt you?” he asked. Ryan shook his head. Pete continued. Ryan moaned and squirmed and bit his lip. And then Pete decided that Ryan was ready. He entered Ryan slowly, careful not to hurt his virgin ass. Ryan moaned as Pete sped up. And this was better than any dream that Ryan had ever had. And when it was over, they laid in Pete’s bunk sweaty and sticky and out of breath.
“You…are /so/…fucking…amazing,” Pete gasped out. Ryan nodded.
“So are you,” he said. Pete lifted himself onto his side so he could look down at Ryan.
“You know, I remember the first time I met you,” he said.
“When you came to Vegas to hear us play?” he asked. Pete shook his head and smiled.
“No. Before that. You were like, sixteen or seventeen…and you came to one of our shows. And we talked for a while. And you told me all about your band, The Summer League.”
“You remember that?” Ryan asked.
“Mhm. And I swooned over you for about a week. And I wondered what you would be like when you were legal.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. And then I saw you again at another show. And you asked me if I remembered you. And of course I did. And I asked you how your band was doing…”
“Yeah, I remember that, too,” Ryan said, smiling. “So…did I live up to your expectations of what I’d be like when I was legal?”
“Oh yeah. Better, actually. Much better.”



Ryan and Pete got their clothes back on and got out of the bus before anyone else decided to get on. After all the equipment and everything from the show was loaded back into trailors, all the bands got into their busses and vans and started heading towards the next city.
Ryan had completely forgotten what he had overheard earlier. As soon as he got in the van, he pulled out his Sidekick and signed on AIM. Almost immediately, an IM popped up from Pete.

“Peter Wentz, where the hell are you?”
“I’m right here! Who are you, why are you in my bus, and what do you want? - Oh, Ryan, it’s just you,” said a man coming out from a small room into another small room in the front of a bus. The man was small - short and thin - and appeared to be in his early to mid twenties. The only clothing he wore was a pair of boxers.
Another man stood at the front of the bus, just inside the open door. He was also small. He was slightly taller than the other man and slightly thinner as well. He looked younger, too. Perhaps in his late teens or early twenties. His brown hair was grown out just past his chin and was well-kept, parted to the side.
“Pete, you uh…where have you been?” the younger man said, looking at his friend and his lack of clothing.
“I was sleeping…well, trying to anyways. Why?”
“Oh, well, you just sort of disappeared on us and nobody knew where you went and uh…you have sound check in like, an hour,” he said without taking his eyes off the man’s bare torso, his tattoos standing out against his skin. He looked up when he heard the man laughing.
“What are you looking at, Ryan?” Pete asked, smiling.
“Um…I wasn’t looking at….I uh…I was,” Ryan stuttered.
“It’s okay, Ryan,” he said, “There’s nothing wrong with looking.” Pete walked closer to Ryan. “Ryan, close that door,” he said looking towards the bus door. Ryan obeyed, not sure of whether he wanted to stay or not.
“You’re not a virgin, Ryan, are you?” Pete asked. “No, of course you’re not. I’ve heard your lyrics. You’re far from a virgin, aren’t you?” Ryan swallowed hard before answering.
“Yeah….yeah.”
Pete slowly moved closer and closer towards Ryan until they were face-to-face.
“You’re not a virgin, but have you ever been with another dude?”
“N-no,” he said trying to ignore the growing erection in his pinstriped slacks.
“Have you ever thought about being with another dude?”
“…Yes.”
Pete grabbed Ryan by the wrist and led him farther into the bus, to the small sofa where he sat Ryan down and then straddled him, his knees on either side of his lap.
“Pete, I…” Ryan said.
“Ryan, you want this. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes…and…well…other places,” he said, eyeing the tent in Ryan’s pants.
“I do…I do want this, it’s just…I don’t - ” Ryan was cut off by Pete’s mouth on his own. Ryan ran his hands along Pete’s sides as Pete shoved his tongue in his mouth. Pete had his hands on either side of Ryan’s face, hunched over him, kissing him. Pete moved his hands down from Ryan’s face to his hips, then ran his hands under his shirt, slowly lifting it from his body. He broke away from Ryan for a few seconds to pull Ryan’s shirt from his body. Pete resumed kissing Ryan but stopped again and looked Ryan straight in the eyes.
“Do you want me to fuck you?” he asked, a smile playing at his lips.
“Mm. Uh-huh,” Ryan mumbled.
“Right here? On this couch? In this bus?”
“I don’t care, Pete! Just fuck me!”
“Eager, are we?” Pete said more than asked. He quickly kissed Ryan again then reached down to unbutton Ryan’s pants. Pete pushed himself off the couch and settled himself on his knees between Ryan’s legs. Ryan lifted his hips up as Pete slid his pants from his waist. When Ryan’s pants were off, he was left in just his small, dark red boxers. Pete soon went to work at removing Ryan’s boxers. He grabbed them by the waistband and slowly slid them down until they were off and Ryan was completely naked. Pete looked over Ryan’s naked body and smiled.
“Mm, Pete…please, just…do something,” Ryan moaned, getting impatient. Pete responded by running his tongue along Ryan’s length, making Ryan let out a shaky moan. Pete continued running his tongue along Ryan’s penis until he finally put it in his mouth. Before long, Pete was basically deep-throating Ryan. Ryan moans continued to get louder and louder until Pete stood up and climbed on top of Ryan, kissing him. Pete pulled his jeans down as Ryan turned him over so that he was on top of him.
“Hey, Ryan? Ryan! Ryan fucking Ross! Get OFF of me!”
Ryan’s eyes fluttered open and where Pete once sat, completely naked, was Brent - fully clothed and trying to push the heavily breathing Ryan off of him. Ryan backed off immediately when he saw that “Pete” was actually Brent. Ryan quickly scooted over to the other side of the van’s seat trying to hide the painful erection in his pants.
“Dude, I don’t know who you were just dreaming about but…can you wait until we get a bus before you dream about them again?” Brent said, eyeing Ryan’s crotch.
“Ryan, are you having sex dreams back there?” Spencer called from the driver’s seat. From the van bench directly behind the driver’s seat, Brendon sat up, pulling an ear bud from his ear.
“What about sex dreams?” he asked.
“Ryan’s having them,” Brent said. By now, Ryan’s face was dark pink on the verge of red, while still trying to hide his erection which had not yet gone away.
“About who, Ryan?” Brendon asked, laughing.
“Dude, you missed it, Brendon. He was like, all over Brent and breathing all heavy and moaning a bit,” Spencer said, laughing.
“And then I finally get him off me and he’s got a fucking boner! If I hadn’t woken him up, he probably would have spewed all over!”
“Okay, we have a new rule for the van. NO sex dreams!” Brendon said, looking at Ryan. Ryan was sitting as close as he could get to the side edge of his seat with his knees pulled up to his chest as to hide his erection, not making eye contact with anyone.
“But Ryan, you never answered. Who was the sex dream about, huh?” Spencer asked. Ryan remained silent.
“Ooh, he doesn’t want to tell us!” Brent said, “Which means that it was either someone in the van’s girlfriend or someone in this van. Or someone in this van’s mom….”
“Dude, I swear to god, if you’re having sex dreams about Audrey, I’ll fucking murder you!” Brendon said.
“What if he’s having sex dreams about you, Brendon? Or your mom?! What will you do then?” Brent asked.
“What if he’s having sex dreams about YOU, Brent? Huh? What will you do?”
“Hey, Spence, what if he’s having sex dreams abou-”
“Can you guys PLEASE shut up? I had a sex dream about my girlfriend! Okay?! Happy now?! Joke’s over! We can all go about our lives now!” Ryan shouted. The van fell silent and the only sound left was the engine of the van as Spencer drove through the dark. Brendon eventually put the ear bud back in his ear and fell asleep. Brent soon fell asleep as well. The only ones left awake were Spencer and Ryan. Ryan was curled up against the side of the van, his forehead resting against the window. He couldn’t stop thinking about the dream he had just had. It seemed so real. And he couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if Brent hadn’t woken him up. He almost felt angry that he had been woken up. But why? It’s not like he had feelings for Pete. Did he? No, Ryan assured himself. He wasn’t gay, or even bisexual for that matter. He was straight. And he had a girlfriend. That dream about Pete was just that, a dream. But while the dream was taking place, Ryan WAS enjoying it. There’s no lying about that. And god did Pete look good in that dream. No. These were the exact thoughts Ryan was trying NOT to have. But they kept entering his mind. Pete, naked, sweaty, and out of breath. His eyes gleaming, smiling. Ryan pulled his knees closer to his chest, feeling an erection coming.
Before long, the sky began to get brighter as the sun started coming up. Ryan hadn’t slept at all. For one thing, he didn’t want to have another dream about Pete and end up full-out humping Brent or something. For another thing, he was just too confused to sleep.
However, Ryan must have dozed off a little because the next thing he knew, it was a lot brighter outside and Brent was sitting up in the seat next to him.
“Good morning, Mr. Wet Dreams,” Brent said when he saw that Ryan had woken up.
“Dude, that’s not even creative,” Ryan said, “If you’re gonna call me names at least think of something halfway funny.”
“Oh, come on! It was funny! Spence, was it funny?”
“No,” Spencer said, not taking his eyes off the road. From directly behind Spencer, the sound of soft moaning was heard. The moaning got louder and louder until Brendon started humping the air above him. Then he rolled out of his seat and threw his legs around the back of Spencer’s seat and started humping it.
“Oh, Spencer! Spencer!” Brendon moaned, “Oh my god! Spencer! You’re so hot! Fuck me!” the entire van erupted in laughter except for Ryan and the one tech who was still sleeping. Brendon put on his little show for another minute or two before sitting back in his seat while everyone else regained themselves.
“I’m sorry, Ryan, I had to,” Brendon said, turning around to face Ryan.
“Mhm, whatever,” Ryan mumbled.
After a while, Spencer pulled into a gas station where they filled the van up with gas. Spencer and the tech that had been sleeping switched places driving so Spencer could get some sleep before the show that evening. After about another hour or two of driving, they finally reached the venue in which they were playing that night.
They all got out of the van except for Spencer who was sleeping in it. The Nintendo Fusion bus and the Fall Out Boy bus had already arrived. As Ryan got out of the van, he spotted Pete not too far away. God, he looked so good, with his hood up. He was laughing and talking to Brendon. Talking to Brendon and laughing - fuck. Ryan could only guess what Brendon could be telling Pete that would make him laugh so much. And then Pete and Brendon were walking towards him.
“Hey, Ryan,” Pete said, coming towards him, his perfect smile glowing.
“Hi,” Ryan mumbled, looking at the ground.
“So, I was just telling Pete about your little sex dream last night,” Brendon said.
“That’s great,” Ryan said.
“Aw, it’s okay, Ry. I had a sex dream last night, too,” Pete said. Ryan looked up from the ground.
“About who?” Ryan asked, knowing fully well that Pete would probably tell him.
“Patrick,” he said, simply. Brendon started laughing.
“You serious?” he asked.
“Yeah. And it was a really weird sex dream, too.” Ryan pretended to laugh, wishing he hadn’t asked who it was about, while trying not to show his jealousy.
“Who was YOUR sex dream about, Ry?” Pete asked.
“Oh, umm….you,” Ryan said in a joking voice. Both Pete and Brendon laughed.
“Well, I’m flattered. Just don’t fall in love with me, okay?” he said. Ryan gave a little laugh.
“Don’t worry about that,” he said, then turned around. “Um, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later,” he said and started walking towards where he suspected the venue’s backstage area was.
When he walked inside, it was kind of dark but he didn’t feel like searching for a light switch. He spotted a sofa in the corner and headed towards it. When he reached it, he slumped down and rested his elbows on his knees, his head on his hands. Only a few minutes later, Ryan heard the door open. He looked up to see Brendon.
“Hey,” Brendon said to him. Ryan nodded to acknowledge him. “You okay?” Brendon asked. Ryan sighed.
“Truthfully? No. Why’d you have to go and tell Pete?” Brendon looked slightly confused.
“I don’t know. I didn’t know it would bother you. I mean, why DOES it bother you?”
“I don’t know, Brendon. It just does!”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Well, now you do.”
“Unless your dreams actually ARE about Pete.” Ryan felt his heart drop into his stomach. He didn’t know how to respond to what Brendon had just said.
“Dude. WAS your dream about Pete?” Ryan was silent some more.
“HOLY SHIT! Dude! You’re having sex dreams about PETER fucking WENTZ?!”
“Brendon! Would you please shut the fuck up?! No! I’m not having dreams about Pete! I’m…agh! Would you please just get out?” Brendon fell silent.
“I promise I won’t tell anyone…” Brendon said softly.
“There’s nothing to tell anyways! The dream wasn’t about Pete!” Ryan yelled, but Brendon was already halfway out the door.
Ryan fell back across the sofa and put his hands over his eyes. This wasn’t happening. This was not happening.
Ryan must have fallen asleep laying uncomfortably across the sofa, because when he took his hands away from his face, Pete was leaning over him. When Pete saw that Ryan was awake, he quickly looked away and stood up.
“I…I’m sorry,” Pete said. “I…came in here to talk to you but…you were sleeping.”
Ryan sat up, unsure of his surroundings.
“What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?”
“Only about a half hour…” Pete answered. Pete sat back down next to Ryan. “Um…Brendon told me…”
“……He told you?” Ryan’s eyes widened in disbelief.
“Yeah. And uhm…well…” Pete stared deep into Ryan’s eyes. Ryan didn’t speak. HE didn’t move. But when Pete put his hand on Ryan’s cheek, Ryan did exactly what his instincts told him to do. He kissed Pete. And Pete kissed him back. And soon Ryan was on top of Pete, straddling his waist, unzipping his white Clandestine hoodie.
“Pete…promise me that this isn’t another dream…”
“It’s not…I promise,” Pete gasped out, pulling his hoodie off completely and going to work on removing Ryan’s T-shirt.
“Peter…do you…do you have a condom?” Ryan asked. Pete paused. He lifted his hips up a little, his erection grinding against Ryan’s. He reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. And from his wallet, he pulled out a little foil-wrapped condom. Ryan smiled.
“Perfect,” he said, and unbuttoned Pete’s pants. They continued to remove their clothes until the were both completely naked. Pete tore open the little foil package and threw the wrapper aside. He rolled the condom onto his length and rolled himself and Ryan over so that he was on top of Ryan. He kissed Ryan.
“I know you’ve never been with another guy so…if I hurt you at all just say so and I’ll ease up, okay?” Pete said. Ryan nodded, his heart pounding. Pete lowered himself onto Ryan. Ryan breathed in fast as he felt Pete enter him.
“You okay?” Pete asked, concerned.
“Mhm,” Ryan nodded. “Keep going, I’m fine.” Pete kept going, going faster and faster with every thrust. Pete was hunched over Ryan, both of their moans getting louder. Pete kissed Ryan and reached up to wipe away tears from his face.
“You sure you’re okay?” Pete asked breathlessly. Ryan just nodded again. “I’m not hurting you at all?” Ryan shook his head. And then, almost as soon as it had started, it was over.
“They laid on the sofa together, Pete on his back, Ryan’s arm slung across his chest.
“God, that was amazing,” Pete said, smoothing Ryan’s hair behind his ear.
“Mm…I love you, Pete,” Ryan whispered. Pete stopped stroking Ryan.
“Ryan…I told you not to fall in love with me.”
“…What?”
“Earlier. I said don’t fall in love with me. And I meant it. I can’t be with you, Ryan.” Ryan propped himself up on one elbow and looked Pete in the eyes.
“Why not?!”
“Because, Ryan, it would never work!”
“But why?!”
“Look, Ryan…I can’t be doing this. I gotta go,” Pete said, standing up and pulling his pants back on.
“Pete! No! You’re being an idiot! I could be the best thing to ever happen to you!” Pete looked back.
“Exactly. You ARE the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The only problem is, is that I’d be your worst.”


And then, he disappeared.

Everything disappeared. And Ryan was on the sofa, alone, and fully clothed.

It was all a dream.

Everything that had just happened, didn’t happen.

Ryan looked down at his pants. Wet. Soaked, basically.
“Fuck,” he muttered.

The distance between him and the van that held clean pants wasn’t that far, but the route was sure to pass by someone. Ryan pulled his Sidekick II from his pocket and called the only person who he figured would ridicule him the least: Spencer.

It rang twice before Spencer answered.
“Hello?” he said groggily. He must have still been sleeping in the van.
“Umm…Spencer? Hey, it’s me.”
“Ryan?”
“Yeah. Um, listen, Spencer, I really, really need you to help me.”
“What do you need?”
“Umm…you have to promise not to laugh…” Ryan said.
“Okay. What?”
“Umm…I need you to bring me uhh…pants. “
“Pants? Why?”
“I’ll tell you when you get here. I’m in the backstage room. Please, just bring them as fast as possible. Oh, and don’t tell anyone that you’re bringing me pants.”
“Uhh…alright,” Spencer said and hung up.
In about five minutes, Spencer walked through the door holding a folded pair of Ryan’s jeans.
“Oh my god, thank you SO much, Spencer!” Ryan said, jumping up and running over to grab the jeans.
“Okay, so WHY do you need pants?” Spencer asked.
“Umm…can you turn around? I don’t know where the bathroom in this place is…” Ryan said. When Spencer turned around, Ryan pulled off his pants and underwear and rolled them into a ball and dropped them to the floor.
“Okay, so are you gonna tell me why you needed pants?” Spencer asked.
“Umm…” Ryan said as he pulled on the clean pants (without underwear). “Well…you have to PROMISE not to laugh. Or tell anyone.”
“Okay.”
“Well…um…I uh…I came in here and sort of fell asleep and I uh…”
“You had another sex dream, didn’t you?”
“Umm. Yeah.” Ryan could see that Spencer was trying hard not to laugh.
“Damn. You really need to see your girlfriend. And soon.” Ryan sighed.
“Umm…can I tell you something though, Spence?”
“Any more than what you just told me? I guess so.”
“Well…the thing is…the dreams…aren’t about Jac. They’re about…someone they shouldn’t be about.” Ryan said. Spencer raised his eyebrows.
“You wanna specify, Ry?”
“Umm…they’re about…Pete.” Spencer was silent.
“Well…that’s um…that was unexpected….”
“Spencer, I don’t know what to do! I’m so confused!”
“Well…do you like Pete?”
“I don’t know! I’m telling you, I’m confused! I don’t know anything anymore!”
“Well, uh…so, in these dreams are you actually having sex with Pete?”
“Spencer! That’s not helping!”
“So, are you on the receiving end?”
“Yes! I mean, no! I mean…Spencer! You aren’t helping!”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Uhmmm…but are you actually FEELING what’s going on?”
“…Yeah…”
“Okay, so dude, you obviously enjoyed getting fucked up the ass by Pete Wentz. So, I think somebody has a little boycrush.”
“You think I didn’t already establish that? But the thing is…what about Jac?”
“What about her? Okay, you’re having some dreams about another dude. But do you plan on DOING anything about these dreams?”
“I don’t know. But…I don’t really look at Pete the same way. When I see him, I see him as the first guy I ever had sex with. Even though we never actually HAD sex. But when I see him, I can’t help but think about him all naked and sweaty and-”
“Okay, Ryan, one thing I’ve figured out is that you’re most definitely bisexual. And you’ve got a thing for Pete. But let’s talk about Jac here. How do you see HER?”
“…As my girlfriend.”
“Okay. Is that all? When you look at her do you think about HER all naked and sweaty and such?” Ryan was silent.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I mean, I DON’T know! Spencer, you have no idea how confusing this is for me! I mean, think about it! What if all the sudden you wanted to fuck a dude more than you wanted to fuck your girlfriend?!” Spencer sighed.
“Okay, okay, I get it. Look, maybe you just need some time to think about this. I mean, maybe you’re just feeling like this about Pete because of the dreams. Give is some time and maybe you’ll be back to thinking about Jac in the naked, sweaty, sexual way.”
“I guess you’re right,” Ryan said with a sigh.
“Isn’t Jac visiting today anyways?” Spencer asked. Ryan sighed once again.
“I don’t know, is she?”
“Dude, she’s YOUR girlfriend.”
“Dude, you’re not the one having wet dreams about Pete Wentz,” Ryan said. And Spencer couldn’t help but laugh. And Ryan couldn’t help but laugh as well.
“You have to promise not to tell anyone about this,” Ryan said after they stopped laughing.
“I won’t, don’t worry.”
“Especially Brendon because I told him that my dream WASN’T about Pete. Although I think he knows anyways.”
“Okay, don’t worry. I won’t say a thing. You can trust me.”
“Thanks, Spence,” Ryan said, picking up his balled up pants from the floor.
“Oh, um, Ryan, do me a favour?”
“Hmm?”
“When you put your pants back in the van, don’t let them touch any of my stuff, okay?”


Later that day, Ryan’s girlfriend did come to visit. Ryan hoped that her visit would erase all doubts in his mind and clear up all of his confusion.
When Jac got there, Ryan greeted her with a half-hearted kiss. Jac threw her arms around Ryan and rambled about how much she had missed him.
“Ohh, Ryan! I missed you so much!” she said, finally pulling away from him.
“I missed you, too,” Ryan said.
Jac soon pulled Ryan into the backstage room. They sat down on the sofa together. The same sofa that Ryan had “had sex” with Pete on only hours before. Ryan stared into Jac’s eyes while she was talking about something that Ryan wasn’t paying attention to. And, at that moment, everything about Jac seemed repulsive to Ryan. Her fake nails to her fake hair. Everything.
“ - and I hadn’t actually talked to you in a while but Audrey really wanted to come to see Brendon so she was like -”
“Jac, I think we should break up,” Ryan said, interrupting whatever the hell Jac was saying. Jac didn’t say anything. She just sat there, her mouth slightly open, staring at Ryan in disbelief.
“I…I’m sorry. I just…I don’t think…I…” Ryan stuttered.
“…But……but why?” Jac asked. Ryan was silent.
“…Look, Jac…I just…I don’t see this going anywhere,” Ryan said, knowing himself that this was complete bullshit.
“What are you talking about?” Tears started forming in Jac’s eyes as she spoke. Ryan sighed, hating seeing her cry.
“I don’t know. I’m…I’m just really confused right now. And I think that it would be best if we -”
“There’s someone else, isn’t there?” Jac interrupted.
“No! Why do girls always jump to that! No, Jac, there’s no one else. I promise……”
“But I don’t understand!” Jac practically yelled just as a group of techs and roadies walked through the door.
“Jac…let’s go somewhere else to talk about this,” Ryan whispered, eyeing the techs. Jac stood up and clenched her fists.
“No! I don’t want to go anywhere else! I don’t care who witnesses this! You’re an asshole, Ryan! I don’t understand! Just last week you were IM-ing me every ten minutes just to tell me that you loved me and now you’re breaking up with me?! You were special to me Ryan! I LOVED you! Fuck, I STILL love you! And I thought you loved me too but I guess I was wrong! Well, fuck you, Ryan! Fuck you! Here, you can have this stupid bracelet! I sure as fuck don’t want it! And I see that you already took your off!” Jac yelled, untying the “Ryspoon” beaded bracelet from her wrist and throwing it at the silent, shocked Ryan. All the techs in the room were pretending to look occupied as if they were not hearing what was going on even though they were all listening intently.
And then Jac ran out of the room, wiping her tears as she went. All the techs turned to look at Ryan, still sitting on the sofa, trying to figure out what the fuck he just did. And then he got up and walked quickly to the door. He didn’t want it to end like this.
When he walked out, he could see Audrey and Brendon in the distance and Jac storming towards them.
“Audrey, we’ve gotta go,” he heard Jac say.
“What? Why? What happened?” Audrey asked.
“I’ll tell you on the ride home. Please. Let’s just go!” Audrey gave Brendon a reluctant look, and then turned back to Jac.
“Alright,” she said, then turned to Brendon. “I’m sorry,” she mouthed. Brendon and Audrey kissed before Jac dragged Audrey to their car.
And then everyone who had witnessed that turned to look at Ryan.

And then Ryan was on the ground. And he was crying uncontrollably.

And then several bodies were rushing towards him. And several pairs of hands were helping him to his feet.

And then he was back on that damn sofa. There were still several people around him. But he couldn’t see who they were or hear what they were saying.

And then all but one of them left. And then that one was kneeling in front of him. He felt a hand on either side of his face.
“Ryan? Ryan. Ryan, are you okay?” the face in front of him was saying. And then his eyes began to focus.
“Ryan?” Pete was saying, kneeling in front of him, a hand on either side of his face. Ryan blinked a few times.
“Oh shit…” he said, smiling a little. Pete raised an eyebrow.
“Huh?” And then Ryan started laughing. Pete backed away a little bit, looking extremely confused.
“I’m dreaming again, aren’t I?”
“…No…” Pete said. Ryan laughed some more.
“That’s what you said last time, too,” Ryan said. “So let’s get this over with,” he said, standing up and unbuttoning his pants. He pulled his pants down. Pete didn’t move. “Come on, Pete. Are you gonna fuck me or not?!”
“Ryan, put your pants back on. You’re not dreaming,” Pete said, reaching down to pull Ryan’s pants back on for him.
“Ohh, okay, I get what you’re doing! You’re gonna make me REALLY think that I’m not dreaming and THEN fuck me so when I wake up I’ll be even MORE disappointed that it was only a dream than the last two times! Am I right?!” Ryan almost yelled, pulling his pants back up and rebuttoning them.
“Ryan…I……I don’t know what you’re talking about but -”
“Pete! Shut up! I’m not stupid! Look…” Ryan said and went over to Pete. He grabbed Pete’s face and brought it to his and kissed him. But Pete didn’t kiss him back. In fact, Pete pushed Ryan away.
“Ryan! What are you doing?!” Ryan stumbled backwards. He smiled when he regained his balance.
“I’m not dreaming, am I?” Ryan asked. Pete shook his head. “Fuck!” Ryan muttered and he fell down onto the sofa. His body started shaking and Pete wasn’t sure if he was laughing or crying. Pete sat down next to Ryan.
“Ryan……what happened with Jac today?” Ryan looked up.
“I broke up with her,” he said simply.
“Why?”
“Because I’m in love with you.” Pete didn’t say anything for a while.
“Ryan, you’re not in love with me,” he said.
“Yes I am! Pete, I’ve NEVER thought about ANYONE the way I’ve been thinking about you! And I thought that seeing Jac today would make my feelings go away but…seeing her made me realize how much I love /you/.” Pete sighed.
“Ryan……why do you feel like this? I mean, why…why /me/? There’s so many people out there so much better than me…”
“But I don’t want anyone better than you. I want…you. But I think I’m starting to see that I can’t have you…” Ryan said softly. Pete sighed again.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. But I can’t…I don’t…”
“It’s okay, Pete. But…do you know how much it hurts to be /so/ fucking in love with someone and them feel…/nothing/ towards you?”
“…Yeah. Yeah, I know how exactly how it feels. And it hurts like hell.”
“And it’s not like I can get Jac back…it’s not like I really want her back anyways, though…”
“Hey, Ryan, let me tell you something…” Pete said softly. Ryan looked up at him. “I’ve never actually told this to anyone before but…since you just basically kind of made a fool of yourself…I’ll tell you. And it might make you…understand something and maybe make you feel a little better…”
“Okay…”
“Look…for the past…five years or so……I’ve been /so/ fucking in love with someone. And, well…I know that I will never, /ever/ be with that person. Because I know that that person will never have any feelings towards me. But even though I know this, I can’t accept it. And I won’t let myself be happy because I love them so much……….” Silence followed for a few minutes.
“It’s Patrick, isn’t it?” Ryan finally asked. Pete just nodded, not looking at Ryan.
“How do you stand it? I mean, being around him all the time? And seeing him and Anna together…?”
“I can’t. I can’t stand it, Ryan. It kills me every day. But I can’t get over him…”
“…I didn’t know that you were gay…”
“I’m…I’m actually not sure what I am.”
“Yeah, I can relate,” Ryan said.
“Ryan, I’m really sorry about all of this…”
“Things are going to be really awkward between us now, huh?” Ryan said dryly. Pete sighed.
“Probably,” he said. Ryan sighed and stood up. He stood in front of Pete and cupped Pete’s face in his hands.
“You told me not to fall in love with you lust a little bit too late,” he said and leaned down to give Pete a very small, final kiss before turning and walking towards the door. When he reached the door, he turned back to look at Pete, still sitting.
“See you around,” Ryan said and walked out the door.








Within a few hours, everyone who had not directly witnessed it, knew about Ryan’s breakdown. And they knew that Ryan had had broken up with Jac. Of course, no one but Ryan, Pete, and Spencer knew why.
And the day went on.

And the tour went on. For days after, Ryan and Pete barely made any contact. And no one mentioned anything that had happened.
It was a week later and Ryan hadn’t had any more dreams about Peter. But even so, Ryan couldn’t stop thinking about him. But now that Pete had told him, Ryan could suddenly see the way that Pete looked at Patrick. It was almost exactly the same way that Ryan looked at Pete. And Ryan couldn’t help but feel angry and jealous of Patrick. Pete was so in love with him and he didn’t even know. And even if he did know, it’s not like he would ever do anything. Patrick had a girlfriend. And he was straight. Ryan could not understand why Pete was wasting his time being in love with Patrick when Patrick had a girlfriend. But then again, Ryan couldn’t understand why /he/ was wasting /his/ time being in love with Pete when Pete was so hopelessly in love with Patrick. And then Ryan understood what Pete meant when he said that he couldn’t accept not having Patrick.
Because Ryan couldn’t accept not having Pete.